Print this article E-mail this article More articles by this author

Related Sites: · Official Site · SirLinksalot: Dancing with the Stars Kristi and Mark's Thrill of Victory ŠABC

We don't often get on our high horse here, but I just had to put in my two or three cents about a tidbit I saw on the sleaziest of Tab TV tonight. It was implied that the producers of Dancing With the Stars had decided to hire only heterosexual male dancers, fearing that if they were not, the chemistry between them and their celebs would not be there. Excuse me, some of the sexiest men I have ever known were gay. Even if it was only a rumor, we cannot believe the lowness that these shows go to in the name of ratings.

That being said, it's on the to the Finale. I gotta admit, I am pulling for Kristi Yamaguchi. Not only is she the best dancer of the three, but it would be nice to have a female win for a change.  Wanting Kristi to win is probably equal to me wanting to see, in my lifetime, a female president. (Don't let anyone tell you that writing is not cathartic.)

Stretching Out the Inevitable

Usher is up first singing "Love in This Club" from his Here I Stand album. I wonder who does his choreography. It's a veritable live music video. It's about time a singer on a dance show did more than stand behind a mic. Kudos to the performer and his entourage of dancers. Then former competitors waste some time saying who they want to win, edited to create fairness between the couples.

Third Place: Cristián de la Fuente and Cheryl Burke

It's time to eliminate the couple, and take the trek down memory lane. At least they get to perform their pasa doble one last time, all shiny and slick. And that is not just referring to their costumes.

Stretching Out the Inevitable

Look, Penn Jillette is back with his cha-cha and Kym. He again trips going up the stairs and Tom finally realizes the first time was fake. Next it's the painful mambo with Monica Seles and Jonathan to "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It.)" I can't believe that we have to go through more agonizing minutes of some of the earlier losers. That would include Steve Guttenberg and Anna's tango, which is next.

On to Week 3's eliminated Adam Corolla and Julianne, and their Zorroesque pasa doble. Methinks the man overacts too much. Note how he Shamelessly  Promotes his radio show and Julianne's CD.

The Ballroom Kids are back to decide which of them wins in the mini-division. Brandon and Brittany are chosen as Junior Champs. Brandon must be pleased that the mini-globe is presented by some of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, leading Tom to comment that the junior grew up a little tonight.

Back with their tango is Priscilla Presley and Louis. Ho-hum. This is followed up with a bit about the bromance between Cristián and Jason Taylor, which is only slightly more amusing. Marlee Matlin and Fabian recreate their mambo and Marlee admits that while people call her an inspiration, she thinks the program is more so.

Next up, with their quickstep to "Swing With Me" is Shannon Elizabeth and Derek, one of their better performances. Mario returns with Karina and their mambo, then Marissa Jaret Winokur and Tony also mambo, followed by the judges assessing for the nth time who is going to win. I am keeping track here, ABC. During the last 90 minutes extravaganza, we have had a total of 4 minutes of originality, including Usher's performance.

The singer returns with a new rendition of "Yeah!" with the accompaniment of both his dancers and the pros. Excuse me, is he lip syncing? I swear there were a couple of extra words in there without lip action. If that's the case, then I take back my comment about originality.

Lots of glitz here as the two remaining couple come out to the "Theme from Rocky," ballroom style. Kristi and Mark redo their jive to "Rip it Up." Len thinks she is the most consistent performer in any season, Bruno agrees, and Carrie Ann says they set the standard. Backstage, Sam gets Kristi to realize the finality of the show. Here comes the last minute waterworks and bonding with Mark.

Score: 10 - 10 - 10 + 60 = 90

Jason and Edyta reprise their quickstep to "The Dirty Boogie" for the final dance of the night. Bruno says they moved like angels, Carrie Ann calls him a force of nature, and Len thinks he is the people's champion.

Score: 10 - 10 - 10 + 51 = 81

At last, it is time for the tackiest award in television and the honor goes to Kristi and Mark. In one of the most spread out and dull finales we have ever seen, we won't belabor our thoughts but simply, for the last time, and to the tune of "I Feel Good," fade to glitter...

Best Samanthism:
"You did a great job so it comes down to ya."
Best Shameless  Promotion:
Helio Castaneve's run this weekend at the Indy 500.
Best Backstage Comment: (Jason, after getting a perfect score of 30)
"Hey Kristi, it does feel good!"
Best Overall Comment: (Cristian, referring to his lack of coordination)
"My Latino-ness is not in my hips."
Best Rehearsed Adlib: (Adam Corolla, referring to why terrorists are scared of the U.S.)
"We got gay, straight, and Guttenberg all working together. God bless Dancing With the Stars and God bless the USA."

Previous Episode Recaps:
Week 10
Week 9|Week 9 Results
Week 8|Week 8 Results
Week 7|Week 7 Results
Week 6|Week 6 Results
Week 5|Week 5 Results
Week 4|Week 4 Results
Week 3|Week 3 Results