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After we learned the touching and tawdry ways in which our beloved dramatis personae spent their summer vacation, it seemed there might be fodder for some long-term secrets and lies to keep us wondering. But leave it to Gossip Girl to let the cat out of the bag at the most delicious moment possible.

But not just yet. Because we're about to see a whole different side of Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) -- mainly the needy, fawning side, when she learns that her rebound romance is secretly British royalty in the form of Lord Marcus Beaton-Rhodes (Patrick Heusinger). And here she thought she'd make Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick) jealous when her new beau was a nameless Princeton boy! Problem is, Blair really likes this fellow, and will now do anything to impress him this side of getting a transfusion of Lady Di's blood! Especially when she thinks that Marcus's reluctance to introduce him to his parents -- the Duke and Duchess -- are because he somehow doesn't feel she's worthy of meeting them.

My Sweet Lord. Blair's new beau is royalty! (L-R: Heusinger, Meester)

So while Blair preps the world's most boring bash in order to show how high class she is, Nate (Chace Crawford) learns just how badly things are going financially for the House of Archibald in the wake of his father's going on the lam. The feds are doing inventory of their belongings -- could there really be an upper east side yard sale in the offing? Not if Nate's mom has anything to say about it. But her source for funding rubs Nate the wrong way. Fortunately for Nate, he has another way of getting his hands on some cash -- using his assets to keep his older gal-pal, Catherine (Mädchen Amick) happy. Aren't there supposed to be laws against that?

In the world of true love -- or, at least, undeniable animal attraction -- we have Serena (Blake Lively) and dear old Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgley), having reignited that old flame last episode. They're doing their best to keep apart and think things out with their heads, but fate continues to conspire to throw them together, which makes them think a lot more with other parts of their bodies. I thought I had taken a hot bus ride before, but it was nothing compared to Serena and Dan's trip back to the city! Chocolate covered strawberries may never be the same again!

But the real fun of this week's episode comes, as always, at the hands of Chuck, who is determined to get the goods on Lord Marcus, find out his weak spot, and exploit it fully to get Blair back to himself. It turns out that weak spot is the Duchess herself -- it seems she's a bitch of the highest order, and runs off any girl Marcus gets hooked up with, which is why he wants to keep Blair out of her line of fire. And when Chuck arranges the introductions, the sparks really start to fly. So who can be the bigger bitch -- some hoity-toity duchess, or Blair Waldorf. We think you know the answer to that one! You know you wanna see how this all falls out, and the in flagrante delicto scene that will have you exclaiming "Oh my effing God!"