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ARTICLE
...And in This Corner: ...And in This Corner
by Sean Conover Published: March 13, 2002
It's been a quiet, sunny Wednesday, and as you sit in traffic, listening to the latest Top 40 song for the fourth time today, you creep closer to the cause of the congestion: a 4-car pile-up. Police cars and flares line the side of the road. The emergency lights flash in your mirrors. The Fireman rushes past carrying his equipment. And as you inch forward at 5 miles-an-hour, making sure you don't run into the guy in front of you, you sneak peeks at the accident scene, trying to make sense of what happened, maybe catching a glimpse of something gruesome or shocking. Something you can tell your co-workers you saw the next day at work, because you know they are in traffic with you.
You know this scenario is not out of the ordinary. You know it has happened to you. And, fortunately for all of us Rubberneckers, so do the Executives at FOX.
This Wednesday, FOX presents what might be the "Rubberneck Boxing" match of all-time: Celebrity Boxing. Three boxing matches, pitting 3-pairs of tabloid-fodder (and I use this term loosely) "Celebrities" against one another: Danny Bonaduce verses Barry Williams, Tonya Harding verses Paula Jones, and in the main "event", Rob VanWinkle (a.k.a. Vanilla Ice) verses Todd Bridges.
You don't want to watch. You just want to flip past, maybe sneaking a peek...maybe catching a glimpse of something gruesome. But you know you will watch, because an hour this gruesome will be actually fun to talk to you co-workers about tomorrow.
Here's the scoop: three match-ups, each lasting a maximum of 3 rounds. The fighters will wear protective head-gear, and oversized boxing gloves. Other than that, the fight is as real as it's going to get. It's not for charity, it's a fight for the right to...well, cash, I guess, and the honor to say that they won.
As is common in all normal boxing matches, let's take a look at the contestants, and see how they measure up.
The Tale of the Tape
Match-up #1
Danny "Boom-Boom" Bonaduce Vs. Barry "The Brady" Williams
The Breakdown
In the Groovy Battle, Bonaduce of Partridge Family fame takes on Williams (Greg) from the Brady Bunch. I guess the syndication checks have fizzled, but Williams has at least kept his head held a little higher than Bonaduce over the years. To my knowledge, Williams has stayed clear of the law, while Bonaduce has dabbled in everything from drugs to talk radio.
The Hip Predict: Bonaduce's storied past, wild boy history, and a shot of Dick Clark's Dorian-Grey-potion will carry him past Brady for the decision.
The Breakdown
In the Tete-a-tete of Trailer Trash, Harding gets to whoop some ass, and not get in trouble! Originally scheduled to fight Amy Fisher (who couldn't convince the Parole Board that these fights were a good thing), Harding instead gets to take on Paula Jones, who successfully made Monica Lewinsky a household name over her own when she went to court for Sexual Harassment against former President Clinton. Come on. Of the two of these, only one of them really wants to be here, and mainly because she needs the money. If the winner gets a larger paycheck than the loser, Paula may need to schedule reconstructive surgery.
The IIOC predicts: As long as Tonya's boot laces don't break, the older Jones (and her recently-new nose) will be out faster than Jeff Gilouli on his honeymoon. Harding gets the TKO in Round 2.
Rob "Ice Ice Baby" Van Winkle Vs. Todd "Different Tokes" Bridges
Vanilla Ice
Birthdate: 10/31/1967 Weight: 165 lbs. Height: 5' 11"
(yes, those are his real stats!)
The Breakdown
In the Freak-a-Palooza Finale, two has-beens get to square off in what could be as close to a real fight as we'll see. Vanilla has been trying to beef up his "don't call it a comeback" career by proving his "hardcore" edge for years now, and Willis is just pissed at the world for having missed his chance with Janet Jackson when she was on Different Strokes. When the two of these idiots get in the ring, who knows what psychoholic, repressed memories it will bring up.
Mrs. Garrett Predicts: Both have shown a resilliance to come back from adversity. Willis was such a good boy, and what he did, he did well. Mr. Ice may be To the Extreme, but he's really just a skinny white-boy who could dance, and no Queen hook will save him here. As long as there's no pre-fight drug test to intervien, Willis will go the distance and win the decision.
* - Stats were not released prior to the fights, so hey, I made a reasonable guess. I only managed to track down birthdates and stats for Vanilla from a demented fan page for Vanilla Ice. Does it *really* matter?!?
