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ARTICLE
A Dose of Reality: The Next Joe Millionaire - Episodes 5 & 6
by Beth Gottfried Published: November 11, 2003
I’m breathing a big sigh of relief today. Part of the reason is that I’m officially done with my designated “Joe Millionaire” duties for the week (re: watching the show) and more importantly Leatherface aka Olinda has been given the boot. The bad news is this means the possibility of cattiness amongst the gals has been greatly diminished. The good news is that the lovely Cat no longer has to fear for her life. With the departure of Olinda and her villainous threats (“I just want to KILL Cat”), I’m thinking Cat can now sleep with both eyes half closed. I say “half” because the Dutch contingency is proving to be just a ruthless as Sweden. And Anique seems just as capable of Olinda (if not more so) of scaring Cat. Although, I’m pretty convinced that Cat can hold her own with these gals. (Petra in tow) I think I would have run off the show like Linda a few weeks back with my tail between my legs.
Speaking of David’s one true love, mentioning her on dates would appear to be a BIG turn-off. Just ask Krystina, the other Czech girl who got voted off in the week’s segment. Common sense would dictate that looking at your watch (VERY noticeably), yawning, and talking cow-tipping to a cowboy would not be serious turn-ons. I think Krystina wanted out. She also tried to slip David Linda’s number. All this leads me to conclude that she really wasn’t into him. Giada, our lovely Italian goddess promised to “explode like a bomb” if she was voted off and I for one was disappointed that this never happened. She left in one piece, walking out of the villa, cowboy hat on ready to ride off into the dusk I guess it really is all about the drama. Just ask Olinda.
With Krystina and Giada gone, David took the remaining 4 gals to Rome for highly individualized dates. In Rome, Anique and Olinda ate up the paparazzi (literally) loving every moment of their newfound fame. Petra felt a little “uncool” at first as Olinda berated her in an attempt to gain Anique’s friendship or just possibly because she is “SATAN” personified. Olinda even managed to alienate Anique at one point with her crazy threats (all targeted at Cat). If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that apart from all the drinking Olinda did on the show, there was some HEAVY drug use going on. First off, no one gets to look like (and I’m quoting a collegue here) “Goldie Hawn after a night of booze and heroin” at 26 and secondly, she’s a little too paranoid and obsessive for her own good. Admittedly Olinda and the other gals aren’t without reason to be jealous of Cat. Cat knows how to divide and conquer and win David’s libido. And for the record. (and not because I’m catty, but because I feel the need to be honest for all the men out there who are oblivious to this kinda thing) Cat’s breasts are NOT real. Nothing defies gravity like that, even when you’re 21.
Having said all this, Cat goes on a romantic evening date with David where she continues to seduce him and leaves the nite wanting more. So 2 hours later, she knocks on his hotel room door in her nighty, flipping her hair for the camera, and the rest is history. Or as they frequently do on television, we go to a commercial break. Petra observes Cat doing this and while she previously seemed the nicest of the 4, she quickly gets out the claws and buddies up with Olinda. And they start ragging on her. Anique joins in because I think Olinda slipped her some of her drugs and she starts acting suspiciously insecure and paranoid. Maybe she is simply frightened by the emotions she’s starting to have for David. And all that masculinity.
Not to quote one of TV’s dumbest characters of all time, but I think it’s only appropriate in this instance. “WOAH” (Joey from “Blossom”) That would be my cool response to David in a gladiator suit. “Oh my LORD!” was my actual response last nite when I watched him duke it out, Roman-style, on his date with Olinda. I’ve never seen a 6-pack that well defined and the definition definitely spread South from there. Not that I noticed anything beyond the pelvic region, but yeah, I can say this in the past I’ve been reluctant to admit that brawn can make up for a lack of brains, personality, and charm. But I have to say in David’s case it really may. WOAH!
Note to men: Gladiator costumes all the way! Worked wonders for Russell Crowe as well, but be sure to be HOT going into the costume. I don’t think it has magical powers.
K, So back to the rose ceremony or whatever it is they call it on FOX. In the best move of the nite, Olinda is not given a diamond pendant. And Anique replaces her in the race for biggest BYATCH of the “THE NEXT JOE MILLIONAIRE.” What is it about blond hair???? Remind me never to go light. Anique threatens Cat with a cool “Dutch against Germany” remark and Cat fends her off with a “Deutcheland Uber Alles.” I was confused at this point if she was referring to her “assets” or the actual country. But what I can say for certain is that the show is heating up and I’m curious to see if Paul pulls through…And what costume he will be wearing next week. I can’t be certain who is more repelled with the host, Alex. If it’s the gals or myself…But from the looks on their faces, I’m thinking it may be them.
Here are some issues I’m hoping to have resolved on next week’s episode:
Will Olinda be the ghost of Christmas Past and avenge the young Cat?
Will David use Krystina’s number to call Linda and beg to be rescued?
Will Anique pull a “SWF” on Cat and cut her hair shorter and dye it darker?
Will Petra admit to David that she smokes and break up their happy union with a single lie?
So many “wills,” so little time.
At any rate, be sure to tune in for next week’s episodes and more inconceivable hijinks.
Till then…I’ll be thanking the BIG MAN for not having to endure Leathery goodness each week.
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