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I never knew how much of a cynic I really was until I watched the last half hour of “The Next Joe Millionaire.” Admittedly, I didn’t wanna see Dave Smith (aka Joe) suffer and get jilted after professing his undying love and affection for the dubiously “love”ly Linda, but I also didn’t want to witness another brilliantly (?) scripted FOX ending. I was sorely disappointed in many areas last night. The last of which was the preposterous ending which left David and Linda kissing (FINALLY) with actual tongue involvement on David’s newly purchased 19 acres in the middle of nowheresville Texas. Linda and David smiled “purty” for the camera and looked genuinely “in love” but I’m skeptical. How can 2 people who barely speak the Queen’s English or even bad American English fall in love when they can’t communicate? Am I missing something here? I understand the physical element, but love??? And this is how I know I’m a cynic because at the forefront of my mind I don’t believe that David and Linda’s love is pure. I think FOX orchestrated the Linda letters, wooed Linda back with tons o’ money, and Cat is really a double agent. (ok, the last one I just kinda threw in there because I couldn’t think of anything)
I wanted to dig the last episode because the previews looked so dramatically cheesy. The tense-filled mood aptly created with the appropriate “Joe M” theme music, Dave waiting for Linda to walk through the doors to profess her love, and all that ever after stuff, but this didn’t happen. Well, the “ever-after” supposedly did, but initially Dave had to suffer through more heartbreak upon realizing that Linda had once again left him. My surprise came from the fact that he was actually shocked that a woman who had left him before would actually hesitate in leaving him again. But, hey, I’m no Dave Smith. I also think Dave was a big FOOL to let Cat go. There was something very “foxy” (in Butler Paul’s words) about her and she was delightful to watch especially as she seemed totally incapable of carrying on a conversation with any of the other girls. She didn’t waste time mincing words or with any of the small talk that we here on Planet Earth have to plow through on a daily basis. She was her own gal and I could respect that. So, ok, she was a little harsh and rough around the edges, but she’s also German. I think speaking a language like that makes people bitter. (or bitte)
Alrighty, so now we know how the show ends and we know that Linda writes David another letter about how she couldn’t go through live without him and has come back for him. In return for this, she is given a quarter of a million and David is given the deed to a ranch and 19 acres. Sorry if this recap just ruined it for you, but hey, the show’s over. Get over it.
Now the ending I envision for the show is much more powerful and I know this because it came to me in my sleep last night. (like all great epiphanies) It picks up where the writers at FOX got lazy-the 9:30 hour where we were all staring at the screen going “ok, what’s going on??” as David waits for a no-show Linda. This scene is drawn out painfully to give the illusion that someone must be coming. So here’s what I came up with. Rather than have no one show, Olinda comes back disguised as Fembot Linda. She confesses that she was the actual writer of all the “Linda” letters and that the “real” Linda has been back in “Czech” since she left the show weeks before. David is remiss. He doesn’t know how to respond. He is having an existential crisis. Can he actually fault Olinda for her actions when he’s been lying all this time. In a tense-filled insomniac night, Davis tosses and turns with visions of Linda. In the morning, he must give Olinda his answer. Will he in fact give up his lifestyle as a ranch hand to move to Sweden to be Olinda’s love slave and her fashion victim? The noon hour approaches and is filled with more “Joe M” theme music. Olinda is waiting. Dave shows up in the buff and tells her he has had a spiritual awakening and that he was told to go with her. They leave. Naked. It’s not a purty sight. Olinda is leathery. The END.
See what happens when network TV just gets downright lazy? It’s a serious crime the places my mind can go, but at least it’s entertaining.
How do you like them apples?
Signing off as your commentator on “The Next Joe Millionaire.” Let’s pray there is never another one.
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