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by The Trades Staff Published: June 15, 2004
JAMIE - "RESPECT" Millie: Nothing says "Respect" like a Victoria's Secret Wonderbra paired with a miniskirt with chains, and nobody sings "Respect" like Jamie. Last week, Jamie had to follow three great performances. This week, she starts things off, and throws down the gauntlet for the others. Dane: She's got the patented "Here We Go's" like that Fantasia girl on that other show had her "Yeah Yeah's." But give Jamie some respect, she urbanized this Motown classic and brought it up to date. Howard: All I'm asking for is just a little S-I-N-G-I-N-G. Is that too much? The outfit, the heels she couldn't walk in--it was like karaoke night in a strip club! And the audience claps. Just horrible. And she doesn't want people to focus on her bosom, so howzabout we let the pink lace bra play peekaboo with the cameras? Still she's so damn perky... erm, happy about it, you just don't want to tell her how awful she is. MARIO - "I DON'T WANT TO MISS A THING" Millie: Ordinarily I take notes on the individual performances. But on this one, I couldn't. I just didn't want to miss a thing. When Mario lurched out at the start of the song, like a hero returning from battle, I choked up. Dane: I don’t want to miss a moment of Mario! I made sure all three of my VCRs and my TIVO were working properly to ensure I captured every second. And just like Sears, tough guy Mario let me in to his softer side tonight. He is a powerhouse! Howard: Such a good start. Then came the sixth word. Mario could probably handle something in a medium, soft range. But--OH GOD--he tries for one of those high notes and suddenly it's puberty all over again! Cracking, straining... I wish I could have missed all of this thing. ROSA - "BOOTYLICIOUS" Millie: Move over, Destiny's Child -- it's time for Rosa, the Woman of Destiny, who's all grown-up and bringin' jelly for the 21st Century. I just wish that Rosa had asked me if I was ready for her jelly, because with a hot, hot performance like that, I can use a little prep time. Dane: I can't handle it. I just can't. What exactly was she singing? Was I supposed to work my jelly? Well, I did. I made two sandwiches before she was done. And boy were they good — the sandwiches…and the singing! Howard: "Want your jelly?" "Work your jelly?" Huh? Is she in pain? Is she orgasming? Is she singing? Is it over? THE ELIMINATION Millie: Rosa's gone. What's there to say? Three outstanding performers. Two slots. Someone had to go. But with the way Rosa had the crowd chanting her name tonight, I'm sure we'll be seeing her again soon! Dane: Bogus! I think Briggs needs to get his head out of his ass (or maybe Jamie's) and out of the gutter. Jamie will not sleep with you if you pick her. Rosa was clearly the Superstar tonight. I want my Latin Diva! Hell, I'm going to sign her myself. Once I find some cash. Howard: Mario and Jamie. At this point, I'm dumbfounded, because I want to say that, with Rosa going, the judges had some sense. But then I have two examples on the other hand to contradict that thought. THE DUET: JAMIE AND MARIO - "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" Millie: Ebony and Ivory. Peanut butter and jelly. David Gest and Liza Minelli. Some things are just made for each other, and so too were Jamie and Mario's voices on this duet. Truly the epitome of everything that "Superstar USA" is about! And did anyone else see some sparks fly between Jamie and Mario? Mario's fiancee had better watch out! Dane: What a blended harmony. Mario on the down low, and Jamie hitting those high notes. It was pure bliss. I did turn my back at the beginning out of protest for my queen Rosa, but I got to admit, their magic turned me around — literally. I smell a variety hour in their future. Howard: Surprisingly, they both start out fairly well--Mario has the the soft tones he needs, and Jamie doesn't have to stretch for the notes. But then Jamie decides "Here we go," and she goes all asynchronous and throws the whole performance out of kilter. Flip a coin. Pick one. I don't care any longer. THE WINNER - JAMIE Millie: Brava, Jamie, brava! Your joie de vivre, your talent, and your natural ... gifts have charmed a nation. With Jessica Simpson caught up doing television work, and Christina Aguilera going dark, there's a distinct shortage of blonde singing divas, and you're just the one to fill the bill! Dane: Mario is not having any of it. And I don't blame him for walking out in a pout. Jamie is not my Superstar USA, either. But I guess I need to get over Rosa's premature departure. Props to you Jamie. Whenever I hear your sweet voice, I'll be reminded of your two best features. Howard: I thought I wanted on a roundtable. God, this was tough. Next time, I better get the Idol job. What, is this the initiation job you give new round-tablers or something? THE REVEAL Millie: What? It was a sham competition? The WB was really selecting the worst, and not the best? We're shocked! We're aghast! We're ... forced to admit that we, too, have been deceiving you, gentle readers. "Byron" and "Millie" are actually "Brian" and "Molly", both veterans of The Trades' American Idol roundtables. "Dane" is really "Dan", who displays his good taste in his analyses of "The Restaurant." And "Howard" -- well, yeah, that actually was "Howard." Maybe he'll get it next season. Howard: Okay, how many of you thought I'd lost my mind during these roundtable discussions? Raise your hands. I see that one... and that one... and... wow, that's a lot of hands. Of course I knew it was a joke. Our joke was that I was going to pretend to be the lone voice of reason. Hope I kept you entertained, and hope to see you back for the next season (if there is one) and for all the other entertainment bits we publish. Ciao! Superstar USA's Official Site | SirLinksalot's Superstar USA Page Talk about "Superstar USA" on our Reality Forum! |
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