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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 6, 2005
The ratings for "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" slid even more in the second week, but the Dennis Hopper/Benjamin Bratt extravaganza that is "E-Ring" seems to be a wildly inappropriate lead-in. What were the NBC execs thinking? "Let's hope that all the testosterone-fueled action-adventure fans watch a show about people who love to bake?" This decision does not bode well. Matchstick Prepares to Purge The plotting begins fast and furious, yet Crazy Jim is not at the center. Young David - who has wisely played under the radar thusfar - is utterly embarrassed by Jim and Dawn, and he's convinced everyone that their dynamic is bad for the team. Marcela says outright, "We need for Dawn to go home." All of them are hoping that either Jim or Dawn won't be back. When Jim and Dawn return without Chuck, melodramatic Bethenny announces, "I want to throw up." Then we find out that Crazy Jim impacts more people than the other Matchstick members. He has a wife (poor woman) who is pregnant. She calls and mentions a possible false alarm. Instead of rushing home, he stays on the show because denying the spotlight to a reality-show personality is the equivalent of draining him of blood. Meanwhile, Martha, Alexis, and Charles plot the next task for the teams. Martha declares, "This next task is really gonna knock 'em dead!" She emphasizes "dead" with an especially brutal glee. Are we going to get a Mean Martha this week, just in time for a ratings push? Not So Easy-Bake Oven The teams dive into the profitable wedding industry, and each team must bake a cake at the Culinary Arts Institute. Then they must sell the cake at the Michael C. Fina Bridal Expo. Again, the team who makes the most money wins. Howie, also known as Mr. Fix-It, is the Primarius Project Manager. They immediately research the popular cakes and flavors. The audience gets peckish. Howie sends Jennifer, Sarah, and Ryan to the New York Wedding Center for ideas. The wedding center focuses on Chinese weddings, but that's not what Primarius has in mind. Primarius, who has been rather spoiled, gets frustrated because they think they've wasted time. Wasting time! They haven't had to cope with Crazy Jim! Young David is the Project Manager for Matchstick, and he splits the team up. Bethenny, Marcela and Dawn are in charge of the design. David, Crazy Jim and Shawn are researching cakes. David already scores points for separating Crazy Jim and Dawn. Shawn contacts cake expert Sylvia Weinstock, who says cupcakes are bad, but pink icing is good. Marcela, a cooking instructor who knows of what she speaks, plans an oval cake, which causes a bit of a stir. In the midst of these preparations, Shawn raises the stakes when Charles visits, telling him "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally." Matchstick's issues are mild compared to the problems of Primarius. Howie, who is a classic type-A, loses it when he finds out that Jennifer, Sarah, and Ryan didn't get a cake stand when they went out on their shopping expedition. Sarah defends herself and hollers at Howie for sending them to an Asian wedding center. (The way she talks, one would think people never have a traditional Chinese wedding. Does this woman leave the house?) Yet Sarah and Howie eventually kiss and make up. Alexis and her cleavage show up to boost Primarius' morale. Jim receives word that his wife had the baby. He tells his wife, "I feel a little bit sad that I can't be with you." A little bit? OK, then. He reassures the audience that he is doing the show for his family. Ah, Jim. Always willing to make the sacrifice. The Matchstick cake is pretty foxy and the product of Marcela's hard work. But Shawn doesn't like it and makes way too big a deal out of it. She makes a face as if she has smelled something vile. Matchstick must then transport the cake to the car, and for some reason Young David makes the unwise decision to let Crazy Jim and Queasy Bethenny carry the cake. Cue the dramatic music and a sudden squeal from Dawn. After the commercial break, we find that Bethenny mistook the sheet cake for the van's seat. Here's hoping that the cake doesn't taste like the van seat. At the Bridal Expo, the teams run into some fussy brides-to-be. Shawn treats the cake like a smelly pair of underpants and sells it like a smelly pair of underpants. Over at Primarius, Ryan is much more clever and really chums up with a couple. This is Ryan's first big moment on the show, and he's as smooth as silk. Dessert With the Donald Back at the conference room, Martha announces that Jim's wife had a baby. Everyone claps. That will be the last time everyone claps for Crazy Jim. Martha has been tasting the cakes herself and praises both cakes for tasting "homemade." Charles announces that Primarius made $3,658, but Matchstick sold zero cakes. Zero cakes. Martha rubs salt in the wound: "This is really not a good thing." Primarius celebrates with "The" Donald and Melania Trump. Charles gets in a zinger about The Donald: "He's chosen a lot of wedding cakes." Ryan is unusually excited about glimpsing Mrs. Trump, and his eyes bulge out of their sockets once he sees her. Ogling The Donald's wife probably means you won't get hired. Martha rings The Donald and the Mrs. at the restaurant. Carrie considers Martha's phone call a "completely surreal experience." Could it have been because Martha was under house arrest? Heavens, no! Discipline and Punish Matchstick tries to figure out who will shoulder the blame for the cake. They should have fired Sylvia Weinstock, but they lean toward the person who contacted Sylvia Weinstock - and that was Shawn. Note this for future episodes: Young David smoothly shifts blame off himself and onto someone else. In the conference room, Martha declares, "You can't sell something that wasn't universally acceptable." Martha asks if Matchstick did their research because MSLO "did only one asymmetrical cake. Do not limit the audience." Martha then says, "I have sold more cakes than Sylvia Weinstock - she targets a very specific audience." Charles reminds Shawn of her earlier statement, and Martha and The Minions start to target Shawn. If there's one thing Martha can't stand, it's cockiness. Shawn tries to defend herself: "In my business, they say 'Fake it until you make it.' " Shawn formally retracts her earlier statement, but Martha has her stern face on. She smells a rat, and she senses that the problem wasn't with the cake. Yet, for some reason, David chooses Marcela and Dawn to return with him to the conference room. As soon as they leave, Martha declares, "This is about sales! I want to call them back! This is not right, and I just don't feel good about this at all." Remember that Martha is the boss, and she's gone a long way on her instincts. Plus, she never once said that she disliked Marcela's cake, and Dawn's name never came up in the conference-room conversation. And this is why Martha Stewart is Martha Stewart, and everyone else is a wannabe. She informs the three who were on the chopping block that "sales didn't perform," and they're the ones who should be up for dismissal. Or, more specifically, Shawn should be up for dismissal. Martha's claws are bared the second Shawn walks into the room. Martha's entire speech is worth recording for posterity as television's longest string of insults: "There was another thing that happened tonight that really bothered me. Tonight you said, 'Fake it until you make it.' In my business, there's no faking it. If we tried we couldn't fake it. We wouldn't think of faking it." Then she rails on Shawn's promise that Martha could fire her if Matchstick lost again: "Remember this is a job interview. You wouldn't say that to a potential employer. You just wouldn't say it. You're not here to lose, you're here to win! In business you should think before you speak and don't say things that you're willing to retract so easily. And being part of this awful sales team is the icing on the cake." And Shawn unceremoniously gets the boot. Charles even aims his cigar toward the door as Shawn leaves. Martha sighs in an exasperated tone, "Ai-yi-yi." Martha can't stop dishing on Shawn after she's left: "She has hopes of being a television personality of some sort. She's young, inexperienced, or just doesn't get what even being a newscaster means." Now that's more like it! A stronger dose of Mean Martha is the kind of medicine the show's ratings need! |
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