A Dose of Reality: Reality Roundup: Week of September 30th
by Caroline Roberts
Published: October 8, 2005
Immature behavior reigns this week, from Danny Bonaduce slipping alcohol into his
Ocean Spray to Adrianne Curry forgetting her social security number to Judd of
"Survivor" throwing one of his own teammates to the wolves. It's time for a little
discipline, which Dr. Garry and Martha Stewart are only too happy to provide.
In the opening moments, actor Harry Hamlin is Danny's guest on the Star 98.7 radio
show, and Vicodin-addled Danny immediately asks Harry how he keeps his marriage
happy. Harry says that after 9pm is "our time." Danny announces that he hasn't been
"laid since the Carter Administration." He demands the producers to call Gretchen
for another humiliating public exchange. As usual, what is supposed to be an
interview in which Harry Hamlin promotes his role on "Veronica Mars" turns into the
Dr. Garry asks Danny about his sex life with Gretchen. He claims that Gretchen
"pencils him in" for brief appointments. Gretchen is planning her birthday party,
she is buying and selling the house, and she says that Danny "doesn't understand how
busy she is." But Danny wants a little intimacy, and he throws a fit that she can't
spend time with him.
In Dr. Garry's office, Gretchen bursts out crying right after Dr. Garry asks "How
are you?" Dr. Garry explains that Danny is finally asking for intimacy, which is a
good thing. (That all depends on if you consider being intimate with Danny Bonaduce
a good thing, of course.) Danny blames Gretchen's sadness on Dr. Garry. Dr. Garry
just says that it's time for Gretchen to deal with her issues, in that she is using
her busy schedule as a defense against Danny. We don't blame her for avoiding him
Dr. Garry tells Gretchen that she needs to slow down, that she is more of a machine
than a human being. She takes his advice and heads to the spa with the chattiest
hairdresser in the world. They start dishing about the woman with whom Danny had an
affair. Gretchen says, "Such a piece of trash!" The hairdresser shoots back, "She's
a slut, obviously!" The scene is proof that when a person pays for a pricey haircut,
they're really paying for a gossip-buddy. It's never that much fun at Supercuts.
When Gretchen tries to leave for band practice, Danny comes after her, and we have
the first view of the camera crew. Danny starts acting strangely, taking his
skateboard out to the street and pouring liquor into a juice bottle. He proceeds to
drink the entire concoction. And drink. And drink. He manages to knock back a fully
loaded Ocean Spray juice jug in 30 seconds.
The man doesn't need Gretchen. He doesn't need Dr. Garry. He needs a
At this stage, VH1 veers into blurry ethical territory. The crew watches him go out
on the town drinking. He drinks tequila. He drinks martinis. He shoots steroids into
his behind. It isn't clear how long this binge goes on, but they let him get away
with far too much.
Dr. Garry tries to be delicate with Danny about the drugs, and Danny gets all
"meta." He says he never wanted to help people, that he wanted the paycheck, and
it's "another crap reality show." (The most truthful thing the man has ever said!)
Then his tough-guy persona starts to crack. He cries, and he earns a hug and some
back pats from Dr. Garry.
Gretchen's birthday party is happening at a moment of maximum tension in the
Bonaduce household. But there's nothing that's going to stop Gretchen's friends from
showing up at the W Hotel for a Girls' Night Out. Danny goes out with his buddies Scott and Michael. Luckily, they take
a limo, and the limo driver conveniently has "no rules." Gratuitous Bloc Party
plays, suggesting emotional tensions to come. (Reality show emotional tension? Cue
the Death Cab or Bloc Party!) Gretchen has an innocent time singing hymns and eating
cake. Cut to Danny and friends mixing drugs and alcohol.
It's not the right moment to tell Danny that Gretchen's friends have ordered strippers
for her, but his so-called "buddies" do it. Danny starts ordering around the show's
production crew, telling them to stop the party at any cost. Danny tells the crew to
leave. The crew finally gets responsible, and they say they won't take him to the W,
which means Danny gets agitated.
Next Week: Danny crashes the party and tries to wreck the show to boot.
My Fair Brady
Ah, finally. VH1 gets to the point and makes the old fogey leave town so young male
viewers can watch Adrianne get naughty. Watch the ratings soar! Or maybe not.
Adrianne's best friend Andrea is in town, and Chris is out of town, so this will be
"Girls Gone Wild" for the VH1 set. Adrianne tells Andrea, "It's nice to hang out
with someone my age." They get really wild ... so wild that they take the limo to a
fast-food joint because Chris doesn't like fast food. Cue the sexy eating of burgers
and yet another bad burping sound effect.
After a photo shoot for Sync magazine, Adrianne decides that she will buy a
car, which is precisely what Chris does not want. Chris checks in with his kid -
oops, girlfriend - and she gloats that she is going to test-drive some Mini-Coops.
Chris doesn't like it because she's never bought a car before. His Dadness radiates
over the cell phone.
Enter "Shep," the Mini-Coop salesman. If only we could tell Adrianne that you can't
trust a car salesman named "Shep." Adrianne sees her dream car and has a Biblical
moment: "Like Moses walking up to the burning bush was this car to me." The Shepster
asks Adrianne overall personal responsibility questions - checking accounts, social
security numbers, et cetera. She knows none of it. Chris conveniently calls as she's
working out arrangements with Shep. VH1 ratches up false tension by cutting back and
forth between Adrianne and Shep as he tries to close the deal. But coping with
space-cadet burgeoning models is not usually part of the salesman's training.
Believe it or not, the salesman actually sells the car to a woman with no checking
account and no permanent address. Perhaps it isn't a cliche that car salesmen have
no morals. Andrea and Adrianne celebrate by taking a shower together. Isn't that the
way most people celebrate major purchases?
After a night on the town, in which the girls dance and grind it up at the club,
Adrianne decides to drunk-dial Chris. He tries to reason with an emotional model: "I
want some breathing room, and I want you, and I don't think that's unfair." Adrianne
doesn't like it. He says, "I love you from my feet to the top of my head, where the
hair is falling out." That seems as if he's trying to drive her away!
But that's not the best part. No, no, no. The best part is what Andrea says just
before she leaves Los Angeles. Take note, because this is the strangest reality-show
quotation of all time:
"I'm spreading cheese on a cracker. I've never done that!"
After Andrea leaves with her cheese and crackers, Adrianne decides to make her car
purchase a little easier on Chris by holding a When one-woman bikini car wash in
front of the house. He sees her and suddenly decides that maybe having a hot model
in the house isn't such a bad thing after all.
Next week: Chris and Adrianne fly out to meet her dad. And her dad looks like one
The Amazing Race: Family Edition
It's Mother Goose time! The teams must go to the Giant Shoehouse of York, PA. Family
tensions are starting to show - and not just with Mrs. Paolo, Larry, Daryl, and his
other brother Daryl.
The Gaghans are the first to the Shoehouse, and they must go to the reflecting pool
before the US Capitol for the next clue. All the other teams are unusually enamored
of the shoe. "Wow, it's a shoe!" "What a cute shoe!" "Durrrr!" (That was from a
Paolo.) You'd think these people have never seen a shoe.
The pressure rises in the Rogers car. Mr. Rogers gets heavy on his son for missing
the 83 South. Perhaps Mr. Rogers should join the Paolo family because he is becoming
quite the pain.
The Weavers are rocking the house, running to a limo to pick up a briefcase that
they must take to the Tidal Basin. Other teams get thrown off by going to the
reflecting pool at the Washington Monument instead of the pool at the US Capitol. A
wicked red herring! Once they reach the right reflectng pool, the team members must
exchange a briefcase with a spy's briefcase by saying "The sky is blue" and hearing
"The sea is green" as a response. This is a sure way for people to think you're
crazy. The last thing you need is a goofy "Amazing Race" player asking for your
The Paolos rumble over finding gasoline, and the Rogers still haven't hit Washington
DC. It hasn't even occurred to the Gaghans that there is a second reflecting pool.
By the time they figure it out, the meandering Rogers have finally made it - to the
wrong pool. The family even gets lost on the way to the Tidal Basin for the
briefcase, and the Rogers dad has turned into one big fat neurosis. It's a miracle
they get to say "The sky is blue" at all.
The Weavers make it to Wellbourne Manor, where they encounter civil war reenactors.
They face a detour - transporting "wounded" soldiers on strechers or rolling a
barrel to an oil station and filling lanterns with the oil. There's a lot of "dead"
soldier toting, and the Linz and Godlewski posses are remarkably handy with their
stretchers, but the Weavers are on fire - literally - as they light their
At the Pit Stop, the Weavers win a trip for four to Bermuda for being number one.
The Linz Disco Party Train is second, and the tired Godlewski family follows. The
Bransen and Aiello families struggle with two out-of-shape old guys, and Bransen
Senior suddenly announces he can't carry any more bodies. The
wounded soldiers aren't enjoying an especially comfy ride.
The Schroeders make it, and the families with Old Dad in tow - the Bransens and the
Aiellos - make it. The Gaghans show up. That leaves the Paolos and Rogers in
Dysfunction Junction. Mrs. Paolo tells Larry, Daryl, and Daryl that she can't tote
the cart, but she discovers her Paolo Power and starts lugging. The Rogers have to
switch because they can't hack the stretchers, and Rogers Jr. looks like he's ready
to pitch a fit. The race gets tighter and tighter ... for the most dysfunctional
family, and it looks like the Rogers are the winners! Actually, the biggest winner
might be Mrs. Paolo, who receives a compliment from her son - that she's a
complainer, but she's also a fighter. Perhaps the Rogers are more deserving of a
free trip to the shrink. Dan Weltin has the full summary here.
The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Early on, Martha declares, "This next task is really gonna knock 'em dead!" She
emphasizes "dead" with an especially brutal glee. She tosses the teams into the
brutal wedding industry, and each team must bake a cake at the Culinary Arts
Institute. Then they must sell the cake at the Michael C. Fina Bridal Expo. Like
last week, the team who makes the most money wins.
Even though Primarius has a few problems and wastes a little time in the
market-research phase, Matchstick sets itself up for failure yet again. More
specifically, Shawn puts herself on the chopping block. She tells Charles and his
cigar, "If we don't win this one, you can fire me personally."
As the audience waits for Shawn's statement to bite her in the behind, Primarus
finally reveals some chinks in the armor when Howie unleashes a torrent of rage on
his team. Crazy Jim of Matchstick also receives word that his wife had a baby girl.
He tells her, "I feel a little bit sad that I can't be with you." A little bit? OK,
then. Emotions run so deep on reality television.
Jim immediately switches from celebrating the birth of his child to selling some
cake. Marcela bakes a lovely asymmetrical cake, which Shawn, Bethenny, and Jim are
supposed to sell. However, Shawn treats the cake like a smelly pair of underpants
and sells it like a smelly pair of underpants. When Charles announces that
Matchstick didn't sell any cakes, it's hardly a surprise.
Primarius wins yet again and celebrates by having dessert with "The" Donald and
Melania Trump. Meanwhile, Martha sharpens her claws for her third meeting with
Matchstick, and she's out for Shawn's blood.
Shawn tries to defend herself: "In my business, they say 'Fake it until you make
it.' " Shawn formally retracts her earlier statement, but Martha has her stern face
on. Even though David chooses Dawn and Marcela to join him in the conference room,
but Martha calls everyone back because she already knows who she wants to fire, and
she lashes out at Shawn with all the fury of an ex-con:
"There was another thing that happened tonight that really bothered me. Tonight you
said, 'Fake it until you make it.' In my business, there's no faking it. If we tried
we couldn't fake it. We wouldn't think of faking it.... In business you should think
before you speak and don't say things that you're willing to retract so easily. And
being part of this awful sales team is the icing on the cake."
Martha can't stop dishing on Shawn after she's left: "She has hopes of being a
television personality of some sort. She's young, inexperienced, or just doesn't get
what even being a newscaster means." There's nothing like the mean Martha! Read the
extended summary here.
Trick or Treat comes early for both Yaxha and Nakum when they gather for the Reward
Challenge. Jeff gives treats when he invites the teams to vote for the members most
in need of nourishment (Jamie and Danni), the members most in need of a shower (Gary
and Bobby Jon Joe Bob - hardly a shocker), and the members deserving of an afternoon
picnic. Amy, Gary, Judd, and Margaret get the picnic. Finally, Jeff asks who has the
most tribe pride. Brian and Cindy show their colors.
Here's the trick. Jeff promptly turns the remaining Yaxha into Nakum members. Voila!
Alliances are in peril. The larger mass of Nakum members draw buffs to see where
they fall, and the picnicking partners are going to see some new - and not
necessarily welcome - faces upon their return.
The rest of the episode is all trick. The personality clashes are ripe. Here's a
summary of who is where:
Yaxha - Bobby Jon Joe Bob, Blake, Brandon, Danni, Gary, Amy, and Brian
Nakum - Stephenie, Margaret, Jamie, Lydia, Rafe, Brooke, Cindy, and Judd
At least the playing field is more level, and Yaxha doesn't look as pathetic as it
used to. Both tribes will paddle boats out, grab bags, and take out Mayan war clubs.
They must throw the clubs to break tiles. Like last week's building challenge, this
game is tailor-made for Gary.
Nakum shows a remarkable lack of sportsmanship by shoving Yaxha out of the way with
their paddles. That's what most people call cheating, and when Yaxha wins immunity,
they deserve it. Besides, Judd hogged the clubs over at Nakum. This macho-man
routine is getting old.
Nakum must choose someone to toss, and they follow the usual pattern of voting off
another young woman. They all stick to tribal loyalties ... except for Judd, who
buddies up to Stephenie's crew and acts like he's just been inducted into the
popular group at school. They are picking the women off one by one, but some of the
guys are mighty deserving of the boot. Jamie is an incoherent whiner, Blake is
probably off puking somewhere, and Judd is full of himself. Oh, and Bobby Jon Joe
Bob smells. Let's get the men and stop agonizing about Lydia's physical fitness. If
you gave her a chance, she could certainly beat some of the men on the teams.
We're still reeling from the death of Nipsey Russell, so excuse the lack of
enthusiasm. He could have been a contender on the "Surreal Life." The best reality
news of the week was that "The Apprentice: Martha Stewart" exceeded expectations in its new time
slot and drew more viewers this week than last week. It's proof that revealing
her anger is indeed a good thing.
The Amazing Race
4 - Full summary here.
Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Extreme Makeover: Home