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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 10, 2005
Welcome to the Gastrointestinal Distress Half-Hour! Truly, if advertisers like Pepto and Kaopectate aren't burning up the VH1 phone lines, they are missing a golden opportunity. All Chris and Adrianne can do is pass gas out of both ends, and that includes all their talk about where the relationship is going. Chris will be meeting Adrianne's Daddy this week, and we don't expect Daddy to like him. However, he will most likely hate Chris not because Chris is too wild but because he is more dad-like than Adrianne's dad. He might be jealous of Chris' parenting skills. The dynamic duo flies out in time for her father's girlfriend's birthday. It will be a classy affair, as Adrianne plans to pick up some booze in Joliet along the way. It is a sign of things to come as Chris travels to the great Midwest. The two torture yet another limo driver on the way to an airport when they get into it over marriage. Chris pops the balloon and tells Adrianne that he wants to make a home together. However, Adrianne doesn't like it because it doesn't involve the word "wedding." Adrianne yells, "Are you blind to the huge chemistry and spark between us?" Actually, the audience is. Adrianne howls, "I wanna make a home with a fiance or a husband, not a boyfriend who can leave me in six months!" Chris wisely answers that fiances and husbands leave, too. Adrianne seems to think that once she marries Christopher Knight, he will magically turn into Peter Brady. A Limo in Joliet The two land in Chicago and head to Joliet. Yes, Joliet as in the Blues Brothers. Adrianne burps out "Prison town, bitch!" The two roll into town in a limo, which means they are not going to fit in. Adrianne describes her father as a "7-foot-tall f**kin' hillbilly." He looks like a retired pro-wrestler. He also has quite the collection of swords. One wonders how a man who looks like him gave birth to a woman who looks like Adrianne. Adrianne only stirs up trouble between Chris and her dad. She tells her dad, "Your hair got really long! Why don't you dye it like he does?" And she looks pointedly at Chris. The family then takes the limo to Uncle Richie's Biker Bar. A limo in Joliet for anything other than a prom is just downright trashy. These poor limo drivers just can't get away from Adrianne and Chris. At the biker bar, Chris is grossed out by a dirty table, and he insists on wiping it down with a towel before sitting. Even though he is downright fastidious, Joliet residents flip out to see Christopher Knight at the biker bar. They must not see celebrities much. VH1 cues up a montage of people taking pictures of him. Chris jokes that "being a Brady makes you an honorary Midwesterner. These are my peeps!" Adrianne would like the attention to be on her, but it's not wise to take a pseudo-celebrity to the local bar. That's what celebrity is about, sister. If you wanted a private moment, you should have ordered pizza. The Family That Burps Together, Stays Together In a more private restuarant, Adrianne shows Chris where she and her ex-boyfriend carved their names into the wall of another restaurant. To guarantee that the attention stays on her this time, she takes a butter knife to scratch out her ex-boyfriend's name. She spends a long time scratching his name out. A really long time. She goes at that name with incredible gusto. Dan from Joliet, Illinois, Adrianne Curry hates your guts. Instead of her dad getting up and telling her to stop scraping Dan's name off a wall, Chris makes her stop: "That's a personal thing ... this is someone else's restaurant." Surely all of our parents have said that to us at least once. At least she carves Chris' name into the wall later. Unfortunately, Chris falls asleep in the limo on the way home, and then Adrianne's father locks himself out of the house, which leads into the entire family breaking in. At least Adrianne has inherited some useful skills. Adrianne and her daddy meet on the porch for a pow-wow about Chris. Adrianne proves that the family who burps together, stays together, and she greets Big Daddy with a big one. Adrianne points out, "Like you, he's been married twice." Her father advises her not to be so uptight about divorce because you can't rush things, which is proof that all her talk about her family wanting her to get married has been nothing more than exaggeration. Adrainne's daddy offers some Joliet wisdom: "You've got to love each other, and as far as I'm concerned, it's gotta be 50-50. That's the way a relationship works. Now, 60-40, you have to care about the other person more than you care about yourself. Don't jump at nothin'. Don't make no hasty decisions. Think about it, and make up your own mind. You gotta use a little brain matter to go with it." Her father's reference to "brain matter" is the smartest thing anyone has said on this show. When he returns to the bedroom, Chris seems to getting comfortable in Joliet. He farts as she prepares for bed. Her response? "Fire in the hole!" It could have been a perfect moment for product placement. As for the audience, there is no snack break this episode, as viewers are likely to be nauseous. Next week: Chris goes fishing with Adrianne's daddy and puts his foot in his mouth with Adrianne's mother. VH1 proves how far it can stretch one episode. |
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