 |
|
| Home · Reviews · Interviews · Contests · Blog · Forums · Follow Us On Twitter |
|
by Caroline Roberts Published: October 10, 2005
Omarosa versus Janice Dickinson is even better than when Joan Collins and Linda Evans wrestled into the swimming pool on Dynasty. Tonight, their simmering rage will conclude in the season finale of The Surreal Life. Janice talks to her lawyer, kicking off a flashback from last week, when Omarosa called Janice high and drunk and a bad mom on Sally Jessy's Dirty Laundry. Janice is proud that "my attorneys are already on it," and she wants a public retraction, or she'll sick the lawyers on Omarosa. Off-camera, Janice and Omarosa chat in the bathroom, and Omarosa apologizes for something, but it isn't especially clear. It isn't clear if Omarosa apologizes for what she said or for the behavior of the audience toward Janice. Either way, Janice wants it to be public. Meanwhile, Jose is doing his best to get some love from Caprice. He wants a kiss from her. Bronson wonders if it should be open- or closed-mouthed: "You want that garage door to open!" Jose says, "I wanna drive in, too!" Caprice, who apparently resembles a garage in some vulgar way, gets the Surreal Life tabloid and announces the last supper at home. Janice spaces out and makes Caprice repeat it, which she does slowly because all that Botox is seeping into Janice's brain. Everyone looks good, but Janice shows up looking like a scarecrow wearing a scarf. Janice Melts in Every Way The group sits down at a lavish table covered with pictures from their "surreal" experience. One item is "caprese salad," prompting a joke about having Caprice as a side dish. Omarosa delivers the grace, and VH1 cues the heavenly music. Janice crosses herself and declares, "I just say, rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub!" She acts like a five-year-old at the dinner, insulting Omarosa and sneering, "Just sit there and take it, Lady Di!" Janice fakes puking after Omarosa mentions kissing Jose on the lips. Janice tries to kiss him and falls right over on him. You'd be afraid if you saw a human-sized melting candle tumbling toward you, too. Janice then fakes stabbing Omarosa. Omarosa actually stays cool, and Janice, well, she melts inside and out. To remind viewers that there other people on the show besides Janice and Omarosa, each "Surreal Life" cast member is given an envelope asking for "one last thing." At this stage, each person must answer an intimate question. And it isn't a playful question. Poor Bronson is asked to talk about his father, a violent man. Bronson breaks down crying when he talks about his father's at Christmas time. Caprice calls the moment "heavy." Then Caprice gets her one last request, which is "do him a favor, flash Bronson." She hugs him, and her shirt slips a little, so by golly the whole table gets a side of Caprice! Jose must discuss the night he considered suicide. He talks about learning his second wife cheated on him. He says his baby daughter saved his life, but Janice's theatrical bawling drowns out his low voice. All Janice can say is, "That's like, so deep man, with your daughter. It really touched my heart." Carey gets an easy one and talks about how he really feels about Pink. He talks about losing her and being seriously injured at the same time, but he has pulled his life back together. Janice is eloquent in her own special way: "I wish I could be you, man!" Omarosa talks about her marriage. Omarosa is quite nice to her ex, saying they grew apart. Janice isn't satisfied with the answer and tries to drag out a little more dirt. Every single exchange must end with Janice, Janice, Janice. Then Janice gets her last request. She hollers "Ladies and genitals!" before asking Omarosa for an apology for all the names she called her. Omarosa says, "Absolutely not." Janice brings up the lawyers. Omarosa replies, "I'm doing you a favor. Get help." Omarosa continues to slice and dice Janice: "I like a good fight, baby. Particularly if it is saving your life. Bring it on. You need help for your kids! It's about your kids! Do you care about them? Then you'll stop it." The fight is an object lesson that the person who keeps his or her cool in a fight will win. Janice asks everyone, "Do you have any character? Do you have any character?" Bronson screams, "What about us!" Thank you! And his agent applauds. As Janice breaks anything she can find in the kitchen, Pepa gets up to try to help Janice. She has the right to be angry. Did Pepa ever get to answer her question? She got the shaft, and her agent should put in a phone call to VH1. Pepa goes above and beyond reality-show duty as she tries to keep the diva from climbing out the window. Even though Pepa holds tight, Janice manages to squeak her scrawny bod out of Pepa's grip. Pepa pushes herself through the window and lets Janice cuss up a storm. Pepa admits to the camera that Omarosa's dragging Janice's kids into the brawl wasn't right, "Just because you have a problem doesn't make you a bad mother." Janice tries to walk off: "I will go, and I will hitchhike, and I will get a ride at the bottom of the hill." Pepa knows this is a liability issue. Omarosa is thrilled that Janice is gone: "I have exorcised her out of the house." Bronson goes after her and tries to talk some reason into her. She talks about all the sacrifices she's made, what a great mom she is, and how she handed her modeling career to Cindy Crawford on a silver platter. Then again, Cindy Crawford probably didn't need Janice's help. She finally stumbles out of the house and goes to wherever it is the scarecrows go. Only the Sane Remain The rest of the crew isn't happy that Omarosa brought up Janice's kids. Omarosa tries to defend herself, but Carey thwarts the drama and starts a food fight. Everyone starts shoving cake in each other's faces. Instead of Omarosa and Janice finally having a catfight, the castmates have a cake-fight. Caprice admits, "Maybe this is wrong, but once [Janice] was gone, we had a great time." As the show wraps up, each cast member reflects on what they have learned from the "Surreal Life" experience. Bronson and Caprice reflect on their relationship, which began with Bronson acting like a lech and turning into a friend. Caprice reveals some insight into the reality-show game: "We all need to play as a team and create a story together." Yeah, but you guys let Omarosa and Janice run away with the script. The men in particular are sorry that they got stuck with those two. Jose is relieved to escape Janice and Omarosa: "This war between two alpha females is not over, but we won't be a part of it." Jose vows, "I will never again live with four women." Bronson takes what Jose says a little too far, as usual. He compares his experience to living in a vagina (no, I am not kidding): "It was like climbing inside and being poisoned with the bad estrogen." Omarosa declares yet again that she will continue to be the biggest villain in reality television. As she leaves, she winks into the camera, and an evil laugh echoes through the canyon. If that is indeed her goal in life, she is doing a darn fine job. |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Copyright © 1997-2009 Burlee LLC. All rights reserved. | Reprints | Privacy Policy | Disclosure | About Us/Contact Us | RSS Feed |