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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 17, 2005
The two least charismatic pseudo-celebrities on television are still in Joliet, Illinois, and Chris is ready to go fishing with Adrianne's big biker daddy. If Chris wants to dress to impress, he doesn't start off right. He insists on wearing that neon-yellow, splash-paint tee-shirt that he has already worn once on the show. Perhaps the world's ugliest shirt, this number wouldn't even impress the easily impressed residents of Joliet. The fishing expedition is one of the most ridiculous moments in the history of VH1's "Celebreality" because Chris and Adrianne's dad take a limo to go fishing. Who thought this was a good idea to ride in a limo to the local fishing hole? Was VH1 so short-sighted that they couldn't get a camera into Adrianne's dad's car? Talk about missing out on comic gold. Wouldn't it have been lovely to see Mr. Fancy-Pants Brady-Bunch Ugly-Shirt riding around in a pickup? Right off the bat, Chris slips and falls on his behind while trying to get into Big Daddy's dinghy. The fishing hole isn't exactly rustic either - the water is bordered by the interstate and power lines. The moment is dead, and Chris and Adrianne's daddy don't make it easy on VH1. Chris also doesn't try too hard, harping on how different he is from Adrianne: "She's built from different stock." Chris may as well have called Adrianne's daddy "white trash," and her daddy would have been justified in tipping the boat over. Either daddy didn't get it or he is a genuinely nice guy, but it's understandable when he tells Chris, "You break my baby's heart, and I'll come gunning for you." At least Chris caught a fish, but one wonders if VH1 didn't fill the pool just to make him feel better. Don't Drink Before Meeting Mom In the show's parallel plotline, Adrianne stops by her mother's house. Conveniently enough, her mother, who is also named Chris, is holding a BBQ attended by Grandma, her best buddy Andrea, and heaps of random people. Adrianne's mother can be explained in two words: "Well, whatever." Everything is "well, whatever," and she seems to be one of those moms who always expect the worst. At one point, she says, "As you know, life is a crapshoot, is it not?" This is a woman who has seen disappointment, expects disappointment, and will most likely be disappointed. Of course, Chris disappoints. When Chris shows up in the limo, it looks like the entire town of Joliet is in the backyard, and supposedly they are all members of Adrianne's family, but plenty of people just want to meet a Brady. Chris sticks out like a sore thumb. Then again, so does Adrianne, prompting the question yet again of how Adrianne came to be. Adrianne's mom also knows how to greet Chris with just the right amount of negativity: "Get your hand off her ass!" That was before "hello." Adrianne isn't thrilled with Chris either because he isn't with her every second, which is usually what happens when people demand autographs. Supposedly everything will be more relaxed and intimate when the limo carts Chris, Adrianne, Adrianne's mom, and Adrianne's mom's best friend to yet another Joliet bar. Chris is worried: "There's only so much drinking one can do." Perhaps he should have stopped, because he runs his mouth in a rather un-Brady like fashion. Mom isn't that great either. As a matter of fact, she baits Chris: "Let's rip on Chris for a while - are you going through menopause?" If she wants to be disappointed, then by golly she'll be disappointed. When she asks, "What are your true intentions?" there's more than a little slurring in her voice. She's far more slurry than Chris or Adrianne, and Chris thinks she's kidding around. Chris does not see the trap before him and jokes, "I'm totally about taking advantage of her!" Mom slurs, calls him disrespectful, and asks, "Is this arm candy to you?" Chris then drops a bomb that enrages Disappointed Mom even more: "I will marry your daughter when her communication skills catch up with her sexual maturity." Here's a clue, Peter Brady: I don't know what you learned on the 'Brady Bunch' set, but most parents do not like to think of their children as sexual beings. He also isn't clued into classic psychological traps, but Adrianne's mom is even scarier than Adrianne's dad when she growls, "I could knock any man's dick in the dirt!" What that means, I cannot say. Mom starts crying, but she's smiling. Could it be that she's thrilled to have a camera on her? Hmmm … Either way, the trip home doesn't end on a good note. Next week: Adrianne takes in a geography lesson when the dynamic duo goes to Puerto Rico. |
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