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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 23, 2005
Since Chris feels his trip to Joliet with Adrianne wasn't exactly a smashing success, he wants to make it up to her with a trip to Puerto Rico. He has a lot of making up to do, as her boozy mom responded to his farewell with an angry "Whatever." The only good thing out of the trip is that Chris doesn't want Adrianne to move out. When they return home, a guy named Ed Dolce calls with information for Adrianne's apartment-hunting. Ol' Wishy-Washy isn't sure what to make of it: "Part of me was proud of her for finding someone to go look at an apartment. I at this point don't want her to move out." He tells her, "You're captive!" and promptly erases the message. Adrianne's brain cells start to fire. One can only imagine her internal conversation following her boyfriend's mixed signals. There's only one problem: Adrianne has won an important battle in the relationship and gets to stay in the apartment. Even though she doesn't have a wedding ring on her finger, most of the conflict driving the "plot" (for lack of a better term) of the show is eliminated. What is VH1 to do in the face of dead air? Easy. Ask Adrianne if the VH1 crew can film her taking a bath. A healthy percentage of this show has been devoted to gazing upon Adrianne as she washes herself, Chris, her best friend, and the car. She is going to get bath-wrinkles if she doesn't cool it. However, VH1 plans to give Adrianne all the water she wants when Chris surprises Adrianne with a romantic getaway to Puerto Rico. The plot is saved! Plus, Adrianne's stupidity guarantees some great ditzy one-liners: "I don't know where Puerto Rico is!" At this point, we at The Trades would like to announce the Adrianne Curry Brain Cells Fund. We will collect small donations from Trades readers so we can purchase "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" software. With this software, we intend to further the geographical education of Ms. Curry. Puerto Rico - Where Monkeys Do It! Adrianne is thrilled at all the options of her travel destination, including watching monkeys "do it." Yes, Adrianne, Puerto Rico should adopt that as a tagline for their upcoming vacations: "Puerto Rico - Where monkeys do it!" Oh, and she also hopes that Chris will realize he wants to marry her. Chris just wants to prove his love, but it ain't got that zing if there's not a ring! For the rest of the show, Adrianne attracts attention with a dental-floss bikini, and Puerto Rico locals were most likely wondering "Isn't that girl a little old to be sitting on her dad's lap?" Chris also takes Adrianne on the "War Eagle," an enormous yacht stocked with every vice one can imagine. Adrianne says, "My day overall ended up being the best day of my life." Chris even breaks a coconut for Adrianne on the beach, and lo and behold the two are not fighting for once! They seem only slightly less annoying, but Adrianne soon takes care of that when she says goodbye to the beach as if it were a person: "Goodbye beautiful beach! The most amazing, wonderful, awesome beach I've ever been to in my life!" After their day on the water, they head to a romantic restaurant where the drinks flow freely and the potential of - ahem - "role-play" is discussed. Adrianne then tells Chris: "We will make a pact. We will never fight like we did before. Have I been doing better? Because I've been trying!" Honey, he is not your dad! Of course, Chris talks down to her like he is Mr. Romantic-Know-It-All. At this point, things get a little, um, nasty. Back at the hotel, Adrianne wears a see-through teddy and then lets out a burp. We're back to the Gastrointestinal Distress Half-Hour! Only this time, it is the audience who becomes queasy. Adrianne tells Chris, "I just smelled gas that came out of your butthole … rectum!" Where the heck else is it gonna come from? This show is rated R, but it is the most unsexy rated R show in the universe. The next day in Puerto Rico looks to be just as nice, but Chris has plans that don't involve drinking and snogging. He actually wants to see some of Puerto Rico, which Adrianne thinks is boring, but Chris has his silly little "I'm actually smart" glasses on, so you know he's going to try to turn it into some sort of history lesson. Remember, Chris, take it slow with Adrianne. She just learned where Puerto Rico is at the beginning of the show! His fast intellectual pace frustrates Adrianne, and she is irate that Chris is reading a book on Puerto Rico as they drive. The two stop off at a restaurant that has an aphrodisiac menu, and Adrianne's brain cells work for the second time in the show. She explains to the audience, "The restaurant had an aphrodisiac menu - meaning food that will get you horny!" (Cue the bright lights and orchestral music. She knows what "aphrodisiac" means!) As they sit in a restaurant, this creepy guy - Alberto, the owner of the restaurant - sits down and proceeds to stick his nose in their business. He tells them, "You are the rock-kite relationship. You are the rock, and she is the kite!" Then marriage comes up, and Alberto proceeds to push the marriage on Chris like he's a used-car salesman. Chris isn't going to budge, not even when Alberto asks Chris to propose right then and there. Voila! A cliffhanger! Next week: Adrianne has cause to call Chris a "dirty rotten son of a bitch." Guess how that cliffhanger turns out? |
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