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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 30, 2005
Fraidy Brady On last week's My Fair Brady, creepy Puerto Rican restaurant owner Alberto asked Chris to propose to Adrianne that very minute. The uncomfortable Chris squirms like a bug and says timidly, "Not now." He promises to come back to Alberto's restaurant and propose, but he uses the same voice that a person uses when telling an unwanted suitor, "I'll call you." The meal at Alberto's restaurant was billed as an aphrodisiac, but neither Chris nor Adrianne are in the mood when they leave. They head back to the hotel, and Chris has a "splitting headache." He lolls around on the bed in true fuddy-duddy style. Adrianne cuts him some slack and looks on the bright side: "I'm like, whatever, I still want to get laid." Chris responds with a loud snore. Not even an aphrodisiac menu and America's Next Top Model decked out in lingerie can perk up a nearly 50-year-old man. Even though Adrianne is disappointed, Chris sees the Puerto Rico trip through his blurry spectacles, calling it a "touchstone" for their relationship. While Chris gets philosophical, Adrianne wants to party on the beach: "Look at all those asses! We're going to go down to the beach!" Yes, the number-one reason to go to a beach is to look at all the asses. Don't Go in the Water Chris and Adrianne may want to mingle with the local asses, but the locals might not want to mingle with Chris and Adrianne. Those two have no business swimming in a public location. First of all, Adrianne decides to - ahem - "greet" Chris when she dives underwater. At the same time, he unleashes his bladder. Guess what? Let's let Adrianne tell you: "Chris peed in my face, dammit! And he didn't even stop! He kept peeing in my face!" Not only is Chris old, boring, and non-committal, but he is also incontinent! Who pees in the ocean like that? It isn't as if Chris swam out into a private spot to relieve himself. Tourists were all over the place. Plus, most reasonable heterosexual men are not going to urinate if they think that a hot model chick in a dental-floss bikini is going to get a little closer underwater. Do people pee in the ocean? When that happens in local swimming pools, most people run. Remember what happened in "Caddyshack" when the Clark Bar turned up in the public pool? Citizens of Puerto Rico had a right to flee. And what about the poor cameraperson who had to shoot that scene? That poor person got splashed by a Brady, too. He or she should file a complaint at the local union hall. The poster children for gastrointestinal distress have topped themselves, and VH1 may have topped itself in terms of exercises in poor taste. Is this show really so bad that the leads have to pee on each other to stir up some excitement? It's a good thing Adrianne's synapses are a little sluggish because she forgets quickly when they return to the hotel. She is distracted by her sudden realization that her clothes match. It must have been hard for her to pull of that stunt because she gives Chris a little show-and-tell: "Blue shirt, blue panties, blue bra!" Lucky for Chris that she is so enamored of herself because his stomach issues persist. After leaving a present in the ocean, he leaves another one in the hotel bathroom and jokes, "That bathroom is going to be condemned now!" Perhaps these two are made for each other. Adrianne later asks, "Who loves you for everything about you, even your gas?" Maybe he should marry her because she's the only one who can stand him. Then the two of them go shopping, and Adrianne puts a ring on her finger and flaunts it. Naturally, he ignores her, and she starts thinking a little. She asks, "Chris isn't sure about our relationship, and we're sitting in the most romantic setting that I've ever seen in my life, so why am I here?" Another Romantic Meal, Another Fight, Another Yawn The two end their trip in Puerto Rico with a massage and what is supposed to be yet another intimate dinner. It seems like all these people can do is eat, drink, burp, and sleep! Oh, they get an outdoor massage, but that does little to alleviate the tedium. Before the meal, Chris has to tear Adrianne away from her Hustler. Why is she reading Hustler? What was she thinking? "Oh, there are cameras around, and I might look edgy if I'm reading Hustler!" When they finally sit down at the table, they could have had a good time, but they seem so bored with each other that someone has to stir up trouble. At first, everything starts off right. Chris has an ideal romantic setting, and Adrianne thanks him profusely for doing so much for her: "Nobody's ever done stuff like this for me!" Even Chris admits that there's nothing better than lavishing attention upon Adrianne. But he puts the brakes on it when he says, "The sad part of life is that I won't be able to do it all the time." The parent in him just can't let him have a good time. And how busy is Christopher Knight anyway? Adrianne also doesn't do her part to keep the mood light. After crying and expressing grand statements of love, she changes the mood abruptly and issues an ultimatum. If Chris won't marry her, she will move out: "I would be more comfortable in my own place until there's a bigger commitment." Both of them look at each other, thoroughly confused. Oh, and there are cameras around, so what are they supposed to do? Chris wanted her to move out, but now she wants to move out, but he doesn't want to move out, and they've made a big fat mess of things. Cue the tears! There's Brady crying. There's Supermodel crying. There's stuffy noses. Chris still can't make up his mind, and, after this entire show, one wonders if Chris can decide between chocolate and vanilla ice cream. Next week: The season finale! Yet another intimate meal and more fighting. At least there's no sign of Chris in swim trunks. |
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