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by Caroline Roberts Published: November 21, 2005
This week, we learn the answer, which is "Not very well." Paging Dr. Ruth! Paging Dr. Ruth! Gretchen has always claimed that she isn't interested in sex, and it is quite clear that she isn't interested in sex with Danny. Danny tells Dr. Garry that his doctor at the rehab center warned him against taking two Prozac a day because it would kill his sex drive. When Gretchen found out, she said, "Start taking two a day." Obviously Gretchen and Danny have different views on how often a couple should have sex. There's no doubt that Danny loves Gretchen, and she clearly loves him in return, but they both have their hang-ups, and perhaps they should have therapy sessions with Dr. Ruth Westheimer instead of Dr. Garry. That's not to say that Dr. Garry is doing a bad job - in fact, he's really helped Gretchen stand up to Danny, but their problems are bedroom-oriented, and those problems might lead Danny back into his multitude of addictions. Since Danny has no outlet for his cravings, he is behaving in strange and inappropriate ways. Early in the show, he gives Gretchen a classic blame-the-victim line: "I'd feel much more in charge of the situation if you weren't so pretty." He later picks Dante up from school and asks Dante what he learned that day. Dante, who is occupied with some sort of toy in the backseat, doesn't answer. Danny brings the car to a screeching halt, walks to the back seat, and proceeds to shake an answer out of his son. Dante, being so small, thinks this is all delightful fun. Danny is joking, Dante is happy, and no one loses an eye, but this is creepy and doesn't bode well. As he drives away, Danny jokes, "If I knew that would bring you so much joy, I will stop and beat you often." Um, no. There are child abuse laws to stop that. And he was shaking his son when his son wasn't having a fit, he wasn't being naughty, he was just sitting in the back seat. Perhaps VH1 is setting up a reality show in the next decade, in which a bitter Dante sits on Dr. Garry's couch trying to get over the mess his father made. Believe it or not, Danny's behavior grows even more disturbing when he lectures Gretchen about how lucky she is. He declares that "The only thing I worry about is sex," and why can't Gretchen just go along with it? After all, "You're the luckiest woman in the world! I don't watch sports! I don't go out with the boys! I don't take drugs and alcohol!" He seems to have forgotten what landed him in therapy and rehab. The discussion veers toward Dante's fate. Danny is already rubbing his hands over turning Dante over to the "dark side" when Dante turns 16. Gretchen shakes her head, "Not my son. He's going to treat women with respect, and he's going to be a good boy." At the beginning of the season, Danny kept talking about how he didn't want his kids to turn out like him, and then when he's deprived of drugs, alcohol, and sex, he can't wait to live vicariously through his son. And he thinks his plans are hilarious. He taunts Gretchen with what he might do to their son, "I'll meet him halfway. He's going to rent women at a fair price." At this, Gretchen laughs and goes into the house. Slugging him would have been a better response. If he wants sex, he certainly isn't doing much to win her over. She says as she walks past him, "I love you," and he shoots back, "I can tell. It's just bubbling all over." It is as if he chooses every word to cut down Gretchen because he blames her for all his failings. Delusions of A-List Grandeur To make matters worse, Danny mixes the private with the public when he is back at the radio show. The radio station, Star 98.7, fired Danny recently, and it's easy to see why. He's a great DJ - he has a quick wit, he's sarcastic, and he's probably great at talking about nu-metal, but he keeps dragging his wife into everything. He complains that his wife doesn't want to "hit it." Hit it? He then announces that Gretchen won't let him "hit it" more than three times a week. Even the Howard Stern crowd has boundaries! But Danny has no boundaries, and VH1 is just fine with that. Right after Gretchen jokes with Dr. Garry about Danny's uncontrollable sex drive, VH1 cuts to a shot of Danny naked in the shower. He is sitting on the shower floor soaping himself up, and the naughty bits aren't visible, but you know he's naked. If we didn't get the message that he is a big baby, he hollers, "Gretchen, how do you make the shower work?" Then, to make sure that he gets Gretchen - and VH1's - attention, he announces with great pride: "Honey, I shaved my pubes!" Yes, Dante, a little boy, is far and away more mature than his father. Then again, Gretchen might have some scrambled priorities of her own. As she does her makeup, she asks, "Honey, want to go get Botox with me? Mine's kinda wearin' off." Is that serious? A sex addict and a Botox addict sure do make a great couple. The dynamic duo go out to a sushi restaurant, and Gretchen immediately announces that she's tired. She doesn't seem to do it in a way to discourage Danny from sex, it's more of a statement, but Danny thinks she's trying to get out of their three-times-a-week contract. What is she, some sort of sex slave? Danny also makes her feel guilty by saying that she shouldn't be more tired because he gets up at 3:45 every day. Wait - she forgot - nothing is as important as Danny. She is expecting a guest in town, but Danny lays a guilt trip on her. Finally, Gretchen bursts out, "It's crap - since you've been home, all you've been telling me is what you need, what you need, what you need." Danny says she should be flattered. All women should be so blessed to have an F-list, ex-child-star berating them all day long. Danny still thinks he is a star. He thinks he is bloody Brad Pitt. The constant attention of the camera and the press really has inflated his ego to unwieldy proportions. Whether this show is real or not, whether Danny is playing up to the camera or not, the narcissism of Hollywood is abundantly clear. In therapy, Danny asks, "So what do we do, Garry?" Dr. Garry isn't that useful. And how do you teach someone how not to be a narcissist? He just says "Oy," and pulls out "Understand who the person is that you chose to be married to." But Danny and Gretchen understand each other just fine. And they don't seem to like each other as a result. He is so demanding about sex with her that it hardly seems like a two-person event. If they ever did have sex, which, mercifully, the show does not reveal, it would be for Danny instead of an act between two people. And our parents always told us in their talks about the birds and the bees that sex is an act between two people who love each other. Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places Danny meets with his AA sponsor while Gretchen meets with a friend, and they kvetch about each other with their captive audiences. Danny talks about how "operatically" he is in love with his wife, but Gretchen informs her friend that she likes to cuddle. She is perfectly happy snuggling with him, and he takes snuggling as a tremendous insult. The AA sponsor is a touch more insightful than Dr. Garry and says, "The thing you need from Gretchen, she might not be able to provide." But what Danny needs is a constant bath of attention, sexual or otherwise. He wants someone there who jumps at his slightest command. Unfortunately, people can never know each other completely. Everyone is a little bit different. Everyone wants slightly different things. But Danny can't understand why someone would have different needs from his. In their private session, Dr. Garry asks Danny if it will be too hard for either Danny or Gretchen to change to make it work. Danny immediately holds up the woman he had an affair with as an example. During his six-month affair, Danny claims that the woman involved wrote him so many letters they would fill up a garbage bag. The comment smells like a patented Danny exaggeration. At this point, he will make the woman he had an affair with into a goddess solely to upset Gretchen. Besides, why is that affair over? Did he stop it because he got caught? Or did she stop it? If the affair was so great, then why isn't Danny with that woman right now? Dr. Garry then asks a good question, "Is there someone on the sidelines? Is there someone in the wings already?" The camera cuts to one of the fillies Danny is training, a hairstylist named Alicia who wants a "beach butt." His flirtation with her prompts a question - are personal trainers allowed to act that way? Is it all right for a trainee to run their hands through a trainer's hair? Is it ethical for him to take Alicia up on her suggestion that she go back to her apartment for a free, private haircut? What's up with gyms in LA, anyway? Dr. Garry warns Gretchen, "He's setting the stage for acting out sexually." Danny also has it set up perfectly in his mind so that when he finally does act out, he can blame it on Gretchen's lack of interest in sex. Of course, Gretchen says she will leave if Danny has an affair. Next, Gretchen and Danny have a conversation. The camera focuses on the back of the family car, so it isn't clear when or where the conversation was recorded. Gretchen complains to Danny, "You don't want to give at all," and she declares (correctly), "I wonder if just someone that can drop everything is what you need." In the next scene, Danny is in Dr. Garry's office, and he announces, "It's a sad day in Bonaduce-land. I'm gonna leave." It isn't clear if Gretchen's comment precipitated this move, but he says "she's not working hard enough," and he's made up his mind. Dr. Garry is nervous for all sorts of reasons. One, it's a sign that Danny will go back to the drink. Two, Danny hasn't told Gretchen yet, and Dr. Garry is bound to keep the secret from her. To follow up on his words, Danny applies for a studio at an apartment complex. He automatically assumes that the kids won't go with him and jokes that if the concierge finds Dante alone in the pool, someone better get the kid out. Again, Danny puts himself in the position of a child. Meanwhile, Gretchen, who doesn't know what Danny has planned, tells Dr. Garry that she is tired. She is always tired. It isn't clear what she does all day, but she's always on the go. Having two kids is a big job, but VH1 could make it clearer. Then, who can blame her for wanting a little sympathy? Dealing with Danny Bonaduce just as he comes off drugs can't be the most rewarding job in the world. She tells Dr. Garry that the family will soon vacation in Italy, but she's scared that Danny will start drinking again. But, given what Danny has said and what he plans to do, will Danny be on the family trip? At the end of the show, Danny and his Mutt-and-Jeff buddies meet with Alicia and her beach butt at a club. The club is full of go-go dancers and even more temptations. Danny's so-called buddies drink in front of him. To Danny's credit, he drinks Red Bull and water, but he might not be able to resist a second temptation - Alicia's hand on his leg. |
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