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by Caroline Roberts Published: November 28, 2005
Your Cat Doesn't Bark Last week, we left Danny partying with Alicia the hairdresser and her beach butt. In a dramatic move perfect for the show, Danny tells his buddies that he's going to the bathroom, and then he flees the scene in the limo. Alas, there's no reaction from Alicia, and it might have been interesting to see if she breathed a sigh of relief or was genuinely disappointed that she got ditched. Danny acts like he should get a Boy Scout Badge for leaving a party situation that he set up in the first place. When he tells Dr. Garry about the episode, he is practically puffed out with pride. Well, big whoop. He didn't sleep with a woman who isn't his wife. Then again, he's not supposed to have sex with other women in the first place. But Danny's had an epiphany, and he shares it with Dr. Garry and the audience. He's been reading Wayne Dyer and now wants to "manifest his own destiny." Despite all his problems in the past, he says, "I manifested a beautiful wife, beautiful children, good job, nice house … holy geez, I have that!" In short, Danny has realized that if he is a husband, he'd better act like a husband. But he still isn't happy about the amount of lovin' he's getting. "We have taken the sex and completely reduced it to functionary." Suddenly, the lightbulb goes on for Dr. Garry. He realizes what Danny is looking for - a "conflagration of emotions" from his partner. (For the layperson, that means sparks in the bedroom.) Then Dr. Garry kills the mood with the strangest line of the entire show: "Your cat doesn't bark!" He finds this line so insightful that he must repeat it. Danny in a Dog Collar Well, Gretchen might get ready to bark when she gets a phone message from the guy at the apartment complex. She has every right to be upset since Danny didn't give her any warning, and she tells Dr. Garry, "I didn't see that coming at all." But she stays completely calm. Then Dr. Garry has his best insight into Danny's mind yet: "We're approaching the end of the filming, and Danny might have thought it would be great for the end of the show to have a big cliffhanger happening at the end." Gretchen immediately denies that option and explains why she isn't too upset about Danny's apartment spree because it is yet another "tantrum." She admits that she's been handling Danny in the same way she handles her kids: "That's what you do with a child. You let them throw a tantrum." Gretchen is on to him because she thinks that if he were serious, he wouldn't have given the apartment guy his home phone number. Gretchen also has another idea - that she and Danny have somehow swapped genders: "Danny is more of the girl by leaps and bounds than I am. He's like a little girl and he needs so much all the time." This gender swap will be the theme of the rest of the finale. When Danny tells her later, "I was only going so you would beg me to come home," it's hardly a surprise. Danny operates by testing his boundaries and seeing how far he can go, and it looks like he truly wants someone to stop him before he goes over the edge. Perhaps someone should have stopped him before he tries to electrocute himself. The "finale" could have been taken literally when Danny plays with electricity. Danny puts on a shock collar that is designed to keep the family dog inside the house. He's giving himself shock therapy on national television! This might beat the time he shot himself in the behind with steroids! Danny even lets Dante shock him over and over again. Dante runs off with the remote control button as Danny grunts, "It's not funny!" At least Danny has landed some attention, but he's gone to nerve-frying lengths to get it. Back in Dr. Garry's office, Dr. Garry motivates Gretchen: "You don't take it personally because you have the ability to have some detachment. That's what drives him crazy. He wants to have an affect on you." Then Dr. Garry, who hasn't pressured Gretchen much during the show, tells her that it's time to show Danny a little emotion: "I really feel like you need to get on board about that." Meanwhile on his radio show, Danny Bonaduce talks to actress Rosa Blasi, and he unloads on her about Gretchen: "I need more foreplay, she wants it over with as fast as possible." Yes, Gretchen is the big bully who can't give love, as usual. But it seems that Danny is starting to see patterns in their relationship that he never realized before. Dave Grohl: Marriage Counselor Gretchen uses Father's Day as an opportunity to reach out to Danny. Gretchen enlists the kids in making a present for Danny by decorating a mirror with little fake gems and writing the lyrics from the combative Foo Fighters' song "Best of You" on the glass. Gretchen finds it meaningful and beautiful. In reality, it is about as meaningful as Van Halen's "Jump," but she's making a genuine attempt to reach out to Danny. The kids give their presents to Danny, and then they unveil the mirror. Danny looks perplexed. Either Danny doesn't like the Foo Fighters, or he takes song lyrics way too seriously. He says, "This is a whole song about leaving me!" Perhaps Gretchen shouldn't have picked a song with the word "noose" in it. When you want to suggest romance, you go with Barry White, you don't go with the Foo Fighters. Unfortunately, Danny is so upset about the lyrics that he doesn't mention the job the kids did on the mirror frame. It may have been edited out to emphasize Danny's reaction to the lyrics, but Danny's focus is clearly on the message he thinks Gretchen is trying to send. Danny unloads about the mirror when both of them visit Dr. Garry. And the Foo Fighters are at fault. Danny asks, "How can you be this much of a misfire on Father's Day? How could you have taken a Sharpie and written the words of a song that has no meaning to us?" Even if the lyrics are decidedly unromantic, Gretchen felt that the song definitely had meaning, but Danny's got another song in mind - "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton. Dr. Garry saves the day: "It sounds like you were trying to speak Danny's language." Could it be that the cat is beginning to bark? Or at least sound a little like the Foo Fighters? Danny asks, "Who are the Foo Fighters?" (They are actually a perfect band for a guy like Danny, and shouldn't he know that since he's a radio DJ?) Dr. Garry cringes as Danny continues. "The woman doesn't have a romantic bone in her body. But that's the good news. I'm still broken-hearted over not getting a letter in rehab…. She doesn't speak the language, and I can't ask her to do something she doesn't know how to do. The mirror with the Foo Fighters song is the same thing as carving the words to 'Wonderful Tonight' in ivory. It's like asking you to speak Yiddish. You don't do it, and I can't demand it." He caps off his speech with a message to Dave Grohl: "And thank you to the Foo Fighters." Dr. Garry is floored by Danny's sudden insight, not to mention the way it came about. He beams and admits that Danny has in fact come a long way. Of course, VH1 blasts out the Foo Fighters number over a shot of Danny and Gretchen kissing and dancing. The ending is perfect for them in that Danny has come to accept Gretchen for who she is, but the wrap-up is so fast and tidy that it leaves the viewer hungering for more. And since when have the Foo Fighters been marriage counselors? Either way, Danny and Gretchen get their beautiful ending, and so do the audience. And there's not an electric dog collar in sight. Since all reality shows are heavily edited, we see only a slice of "real life." So who knows what we are missing? For fun, I would love to find out what you, dear reader, think about Danny and Gretchen's chances. Did this show help them? Send along an e-mail to me with your thoughts, and I'll tally them up for this week's "Reality Roundup"! |
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