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by Caroline Roberts Published: December 10, 2005
But Can They Sing? The entire cast reunites to sing "Bohemian Rhapsody." Michael Copon gets to sing first as Freddie Mercury, and he struts the stage while wrapped in those red bandages that you get after donating blood to the Red Cross. Morgan and Carmine get their turns at the song. The rejects, with the notable exception of Joe Pantoliano, who didn't show up, are banished to the choir. However, Bai is rebellious, and you can see red boots sticking out from under her robe. Eventually, the rejects get to sing a brief piece, but nothing beats Larry Holmes attempt to hit a high note. The finalists, Morgan Fairchild, Michael Copon, and Carmine Gotti Agnello, get their chance to sing one more time. Morgan's final song is Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker." She steps out wearing a motorcycle-chick shirt emblazoned with the words "AMERICA ROCKS," and the rock thing is very much not working for her. She is not the kind of woman that you'd find at the Hotsy Totsy, if you know what I mean. Michael Copon hits the stage with JC Chasez' "Blow Me Up With Her Love," which is a terrible song any way you cut it. Not to be all Meow Mix, but credit goes to Copon because I think he sings it better than Chasez. With that performance and his rock-hard abs, he looks to be the favorite. Carmine Gotti Agnello is the last to go. Again, he chooses a rap song because he's proven that he's okay at rapping and horrible at singing. At least he gets one of the best songs that's been featured in the program, Kanye West's "Golddigger." He butchers it, but the ladies go absolutely hog wild. After the performances, Ahmet announces that the third-place celebrity is Morgan Fairchild, which suggests that teenage girls - and Ant - have been burning up the phone lines with their votes. Copon clearly has the competition all locked up because he and Carmine share the same hotness factor, but Copon has indicated the faintest glimmer of talent. Alas, the winners are upstaged when Bai Ling returns for an encore performance, and, if you thought the Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated" was a perfect fit for her, then you will go absolutely wild when she sings the Divinyls' "I Touch Myself." If you can't handle the title of the song, then you best stop reading now, as this performance might cause more prudish readers to faint. She starts off in a curly blonde wig, a silver bikini, and a flimsy, feathery pink robe, and she doesn't waste any time stripping off what little she has on. As far as singing goes, the Divinyls she ain't, but she's Bai Ling, and VH1 would be wise to put her in any of their future Celebreality projects. The only other celebrity on But Can They Sing? to make an impact was Ant, whose lines were always memorable. As a tribute to Ant, here are his best lines of the finale: (to the entire crew after they sing Queen) "I have no idea what the band Queen thought about that, but this queen frickin' loved it!" (to Morgan Fairchild) "You are my MILF!" (to Michael Copon) "Come to my dressing room later with that Power Rangers suit!" (to Carmine) "Who the F%&$ cares? These girls love you!" (to Ant, who covers up Bai after her performance) "This is a family show! We need a stripper pole!" The Amazing Race: Family Edition Speaking of family shows, Phil taunts the teams when they arrived at what they thought would be a Pit Stop, and he informs them that they are still racing. The Bransens and Weavers bolt off, while the Godlewskis are gnawing on each other and the Linzes are still suffering from the "production error" that forced them into last place. The Godlewskis show up last, and Michelle Godlewski (the big, burly one) is grating on everyone's nerves. All she does is jump on Christine, the whiny sister. Christine is whiny, but Michelle hollers at her way more than she deserves. All the teams are forced to wait overnight at Turtle Ranch, and the Weavers lock themselves up in their camper because they don't want to be tainted by other teams. We don't blame them for hiding from Michelle Godlewski. She scares us, too. In the morning, the teams face a Detour in which the teams can assemble a covered wagon and drive it. Or, they can build a teepee. The Godlewskis try the teepee, and the guy dressed as a native chief was probably having a hard time not laughing as they struggled. The Linzes have no trouble using their brains and brawn to vault into first place, and the Linz boys brag that they are "urban cowboys." After the Detour, the teams head to Cody, Wyoming, and the Irma Hotel, which is named after Buffalo Bill's daughter. The main challenge is that the teams must figure out the name of Buffalo Bill's daughter first. The teams just have to dress up in period clothes and take a picture with a guy dressed like Buffalo Bill, Buffalo Bill looks a little too happy to see the Bransen girls in those poufy dresses. And the Godlewski Girls are a little too happy to see Buffalo Bill. They wrap their feather boas around him and wriggle around on his lap. Next is the Red Lodge Mountain Golf Course in Montana, where a Roadblock awaits. In the Roadblock, two members of each team must choose a colored flag, attach it to a golf cart, and search the back nine for golf balls the same color as the flag on their cart. Megan Linz asks incredulously, "All they do is search for balls?" What, you didn't notice that the production staff ran out of ideas about five programs ago? The Bransens make quick work of it. Sharon and Michelle Godlewski get into an "You did, too!" "I did not!" kind of fight, and Sharon hates Michelle's driving so much that she hops out of the golf cart. It's a miracle they even finish. Since they aren't fighting, the Bransens have no problem making it to the Pit Stop. They make it first and win a Buick Lucerne, the official car of the entire reality show season, as a reward. The Linzes follow, and the Weavers are on the way, except a speeding Weaver raises the hackles of Wyoming's finest. The family flips out and starts praying, but God might be worried about more than those who don't drive 55. Alas, the Weavers don't fight the law for long and get off with a warning. The Godlewskis are eliminated, and they don't cry much. They seem to accept their highly dysfunctional family. Christine says that she is surprised at how she was treated, and one of them admits, "Our relationship will be exactly the same when we get home." Burly Michelle said she was glad it was over, perhaps because it interfered with her feeding. It's sad to watch Christine Godlewski lose because she actually tried, whereas the other sisters displayed the energy of potatoes. During the teepee construction, small Christine lifted one of her heavier sisters on her shoulders to finish (as Michelle stood off to the side). Even if the Weavers hate other teams, at least they are remarkably tight as far as blood relatives are concerned. The Godlewskis easily out-annoyed the Weavers and DJ Paolo this week. The Apprentice: Martha Stewart This episode teaches one important on-the-job lesson that has nothing to do with creating, delegating, marketing or selling. The lesson of the week is "Don't get drunk in front of the boss." You might think that Jim would be the one to commit this egregious error. Even though Jim leaps up on the top of a counter and acts like an orangutan at one point, he behaves in this way while completely sober. When Primarius is on a plane making an in-flight promotional video for the low-budget airline Song, Jim threatens to partake of several cute little liquor bottles. Dawna kicks into full-on Prohibition mode, asking a Song employee: "We're not getting real martini drinks, are we?" She is adamant that Jim won't touch a drop: "We can't have Jim drinking any. No alcohol for him! No! He's already crazy as it is, and he doesn't need any alcohol in his system. We're getting real alcohol, and Jim does not drink any. I'm serious." Thanks to Dawna's vigilance, no little bottles of liquor were harmed in the shooting of the video. No little bottles of liquor were harmed during the making of Matchstick's video, either, but many bottles of beer went gently into that good night. Marcela and Ryan, the remaining members of Matchstick, decide that they're going to have fun with the project, and Ryan takes his idea of fun to the limit. First of all, he decides to reject the idea of marketing to the target audience (mistake number one), to go with a video about a baseball player who is late for a game (mistake number two), and to act in the video himself (mistake number three). The video is childish, but at least Marcela and Ryan seem to be having fun. If Matchstick loses, they'll have a good time doing it - a really good time. After finishing the filming and during the editing session, Marcela and Ryan find beer in the fridge, and Ryan acts like a kid in a candy store. He thinks it is okay because "The guys who work in that business, they drink beers and edit!" Marcela, who is reasonable and stops with one beer, tries to shush him, and clunky music plays, but Ryan soon reveals what kind of drunk he is. You know how there's a Sad Drunk, a Silly Drunk, or an Angry Drunk? Well, Ryan is a Genius Drunk. Between "the fourth Sapporo and before the fifth Heineken," Ryan thinks up a tagline for the commercial: "Need we play more?" Uh, cute, but it's a pun on the baseball and has nothing to do with the airline. Marcela hates the idea, but Ryan is convinced that he's discovered gold. Ryan tells the camera, "Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off and made some beautiful art. So I'm having a couple of beers and making a video, you know?" Incredibly enough, Ryan doesn't polish off that line with a burp. When the teams roll the in-flight videos, Primarius has great graphics and good actors. It is slick - a little generic, but thoroughly professional. Bethenny's tag line is clearly a hit. On the other hand, Matchstick's video looks like it came from your Uncle Jim's trunk full of VHS tapes. Despite the professional editing crew, Ryan's bad acting drags down the video, and the lame joke at the end - "Why fly with the team when you can fly song?" - falls flatter than a Police Academy sequel. Primarius conquers, yet again. In the conference room, when it's time for Ryan to explain his drinking, his reason is priceless: "The beer was free." Martha uses her tried-and-true method of weeding out contestants by asking Ryan why he wants to be her apprentice. He responds with, "I like business. That's the calling for me." That and an open bar. Martha gives him an alternative to reality television: "Maybe you should go to business school and get more education." She finishes him off with "You started off strong, and you ended up badly." Martha also boots Marcela for not taking the keys, calling a cab, and taking a stand. Marcela is too much of a "yes-person" to succeed as an executive. Martha says, "I'm just not seeing any real passion in your approach here. Here at Martha Stewart Living, you have to push to get your ideas across." That and maybe not get drunk during a project. Survivor: Guatemala - The Mayan Empire Camp might as well be called Rafe and the Guatemala Gals now that Judd is gone. You'd think that things would be all sweetness and light in comparison, but bitterness erupts after Cindy wins the obstacle course Reward Challenge. As usual, Jeff offers a prize with a catch. She can have a car ... or she can give up the car, thereby giving the other four contestants cars and earning their loyalty. Given how nice most of the group seems, giving up the car would have probably had an impact on everyone except Stephenie. Cindy picks the car - and who can blame her? It's a guaranteed car versus a mere chance at a million dollars. But Cindy has her cranky, awkward personality working against her. Everyone talks about the "Curse of the Car," but Cindy could have avoided it by being a little more subtle about her victory. She should have gotten the hint that she was in trouble when no one told her about the plot to oust Judd, and she could have won back everyone's good graces with the cars. She also makes matters worse by choosing Stephenie to join her on the Immunity Challenge. She picked Rafe before, and she could have cemented an alliance of Resident Camp Dorks. But she tries to hang with the Popular Chick, which frees up Rafe to strengthen his ties with Danni and Lydia. Being likeable is not a guarantee that a person will win Survivor, but she could have at least tried. Stephenie also won her first Immunity Challenge, but who cares? The big news isn't even Cindy and the Car Curse, it's the fact that CBS provided a hint of who would win the next Immunity Challenge. Several sites were all over it. Reality Blurred has a nifty trick that reveals the winner, and Reality TV magazine has a screengrab of a contestant wearing the magic necklace. Actually, I'm not surprised in the least, either by the winner of the challenge or by CBS' actions. CBS is trying to stir up some excitement, and a spoiler creates buzz. Or, it's a really clever trick to throw us off the scent … However, I have a pet theory that Jeff Probst revealed one of the final two in his interview months ago on Too Late With Adam Carolla, but I won't reveal my theory just yet . Reality News In an interview with Business Week, Martha Stewart talked trash about the contestants on her show: Yeah, we're getting close to which of those inappropriate contestants we are actually going to have to hire. I can't believe people behave like that. They're exhibitionists and opportunists, those kids. I did not choose them either, by the way. I just want you to know I had nothing to do really with the choice of the contestants. That's part of reality television. Wow, if she had been half that brutal to the people on her version of The Apprentice, the ratings would have been far higher. Exhibitionists? I wonder who she means! (Uh, Jim?) Opportunists? (Uh, Shawn? Bethenny?) And what does she mean by her statements? Is she suggesting that reality television isn't real? (Insert sarcastic snicker here.) Apparently, when she signed on to do the show, she didn't think she'd wind up with someone like Jim on her hands. Another major public figure is about to cross over into reality television - Dr. Phil. And, unlike Martha, he won't hold back when it's time to give people a dressing down. Dr. Phil has been planning a reality show that will target moochers - even though moochers seem to be the subject matter for every other Dr. Phil episode, Dr. Phil swears that his new show will be different. According to a Dr. Phil spokesman, "It will be serious with an extreme edge. I think they will do something adventurous -- like having someone shovel elephant dung as a job." How about just prodding the moocher to wash his or her dirty dishes? What will someone learn from shoveling elephant dung? Reality television keeps trying to improve the lives of families, but the only result is that the entire family is mortified on national television. At least no one is suing Dr. Phil over the idea for Moochers. Two more designers have stepped up to claim that the producers of Project Runway stole their idea. Either the show wasn't all that original to begin with, or some people like to set lawsuit trends. Reality Blurred reports that the latest lawsuit involves a show called American Runway, and Andy Denhart asks the obvious question, "How long before all three [designers] sue each other?)" FX might be courting controversy of a different sort with the race-focused Black.White. The network announced that it will debut the show in March. The premise is essentially a serious version of the famous Eddie Murphy Saturday Night Live skit in which Murphy underwent a long makeup session and went about New York City as a white man. In this case, two families will swap races - under the supervision of a Hollywood makeup artist - and each one will walk a mile in the other's shoes. (Fans of the Murphy skit should know that there's no indication the black family will study Hallmark cards to make their whiteness more convincing.) Ice Cube is also on board as a producer, which may lend more credibility to a project that might be viewed as sensationalist, much like ABC's ill-fated Welcome to the Neighborhood, in which minority families competed to live next to a white suburban family. And finally! After rumors and leaking and whispering, the cast list of Dancing With the Stars 2 is finally public. The cast is a glorious mix of low-wattage stars, sports figures, and genuinely random picks such as Nick Lachey's brother. No one quite matches the glory of John O'Hurley, but George Hamilton comes close. Here's the full list with comments: 1. Tia Carrere (Wayne's World babe, no doubt grateful to be rescued from bad straight-to-video action flicks.) 2. Giselle Fernandez (Ex-Access Hollywood hostess and newscaster) 3. George Hamilton (The ABC website refers to him as an "international bon vivant," which is really all we need to know. And does his tan get a separate dressing room?) 4. Stacy Kiebler (WWE wrestler. Judges might be scared of her if she loses!) 5. Drew Lachey (I really hope Nick and Jessica don't have any more relatives out there!) 6. Kenny Mayne (EXPN personality - and one of the funnier ones!) 7. Tatum O'Neal (Oscar winner and professional child-star gone wrong) 8. Jerry Rice (This is a perfect fit for the football hero now that he's retired. Technically, he's the biggest star on the show. A real coup.) 9. Lisa Rinna (Ubiquitous television actress who has turned collagen lip injections into an art.) 10. Romeo (Young rapper not to be confused with Bow Wow.) Links Sirlinksalot.net - Reality Television The Amazing Race 8 The Apprentice 4 The Apprentice: Martha Stewart But Can They Sing? Celebrity Poker Showdown Dancing With the Stars 2 Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Survivor: Guatemala |
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