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by Caroline Roberts Published: December 22, 2005
Despite all the fun and games, Martha Stewart really will have a new employee at the end of the show, whether she likes it or not. In a recent interview with Business Week, she said, "Yeah, we're getting close to which of those inappropriate contestants we are actually going to have to hire." Since she doesn't seem all that thrilled with either Bethenny or Dawna, we at the Trades will do Martha a favor and argue the pros and cons for each candidate. Bethenny's pros: "Scrappy" according to Martha's team, makes a wicked good Asian vinaigrette, able to tame Jim, dated Charles Koppleman's son Bethenny's cons: Traitorous, minimal understanding of labor laws, been in the conference room an awful lot, trouble with time management, what the heck is a "natural foods chef" anyway? Dawna's pros: Organized, able to make decisions quickly, comfortable with delegating, rarely in the conference room Dawna's cons: Supposedly not full of surprises and lacking creativity, too nice to those who have backstabbed her, chose the unstable Howie for her final task team, did not date Charles Koppleman's son As Martha and her Minions drive to the studio in a very pre-taped statement, Martha typically reveals nothing, hinting only that "this is going to be very exciting for everyone." However, Santa gave us a lump of coal. In the first few minutes, the only exciting thing that takes place is Martha's ill-advised pairing of a voluminous, bright orange coat and sequinned pants. Naturally, Martha and the Minions arrive at the studio for Martha's daytime show, which was renewed when The Apprentice was not. Well, as always, when life makes Martha lemons, she makes lemonade, and she turns the cancelled show into one big plug for her daytime product before the show launches into recaps of Bethenny and Dawna's final tasks. Big Top Bethenny When we last left Bethenny, she had provoked the ire of the leader of the circus team, who has been sitting around with nothing to do. In this case, Bethenny does what she does best - she points them to the food. Bethenny's teammates also have nothing to do, which gives them plenty of time for Jim and Carrie to sit around and kvetch about Bethenny's lack of leadership. In an interview, Bethenny feels that her troops simply aren't putting enough trust in her because they just don't get her management style. She dismisses the complaints of her little laborers with a flick of the wrist and admonishes, "Just trust your leader. Everything's gonna be okay." Did Custer say that before his last stand? Despite her inability to manage her teammates, or at least give them something to do, Bethenny is succeeding at cramming a circus into the Crobar nightclub, and she has assembled an impressive set of donations for a silent auction. When Martha and the Minions show up at the circus, the place looks fantastic, with circus performers walking around in stilts and little kids receiving mini-ice cream cones. The circus is definitely a success, and Ryan admits, "Bethenny turned this ship around, and I've never seen anything like it!" Unfortunately, success inflates Bethenny's already large head. How does she thank her teammates for taking the leap of faith regarding her leadership? She gives them handshakes and drives off in her limo. She's even cold to Jim, who, despite his occasional potshots at Bethenny, was her closest ally throughout the entire show. The experience gives Jim a chance to show off his Porky Pig impression: "All we got from Bethenny was a lukewarm handshake, and she drove off into the sunset. Th-th-th-that's all, folks!" Dawna's Ugly Runway Ride To have a successful fashion show, you must have successful fashion. Yet the two team members Dawna assigned to create fashions for the Liz Claiborne celebrity fashion show, Amanda and Howie, are colorblind and tasteless. These two horrified a Claiborne exec with the sample looks they revealed for the fashion show. Howie conspicuously disappears from the task, and Amanda tries to improve the lineup of outfits for the show on her own. Alas, she continues to offend the Claiborne exec who will approve the lineup by misprounouncing "Claiborne." At least, unlike Bethenny, Dawna's teammates have jobs, and Dawna is trusting them to get it done. Dawna could have read Amanda and Howie the riot act, but she moves on. She has plenty of reasons to pitch a fit, and the tension culminates when Amanda admits that she won't be able to get the runway programs finished in time for the show. It is tempting to think that Dawna will lose her stack. She's always perfectly collected and poised, but Amanda certainly deserved a little trash talk. However, she takes a deep breath and has Amanda read the program - and the executive changes to the program - back to her over the phone. Then she gets Sarah to have plain brochures printed so at least they'll have something. Sarah praises Dawna: "No matter what, the tone of her voice stays the same." At this point, we realize that this finale is going to be unusually boring. What happened to the potential fireworks? Bethenny's circus went well, and, once Sarah has the brochures in hand, the audience knows that Dawna's fashion show will be a last-minute success. After ratcheting up the tension with those darned brochures, the show doesn't even give us a good tantrum or disaster. All that happens is Howie salaciously checks out a model's behind, and Alexis shows up to the fashion show in a trampy dress and threatening cleavage. Even the ending of the fashion-show task is a pleasant counterpoint to Bethenny's brutal dissing of her teammates. Dawna gives everyone hugs - even Howie, who didn't seem to do anything. (Apologies if heroic derring-do was edited out.) She gets into the limo like Bethenny, but her classy behavior leaves everyone happy. Discipline and Punish - Product Plug Version Bethenny and Dawna pack up for their last meeting in the conference room, and Bethenny is given plenty of opportunities to put her foot in her mouth. She confesses, "Dawna is not me, and she never will be." No doubt Dawna would be relieved to hear that. Then, Bethenny turns downright psychotic: "There's no way Martha's giving that job to that girl ... Dawna!" Dawna never looks bad in a confessional because she knows not to say stupid things when the camera is around. The conference-room visit proves that, despite the initial hurdles, both tasks were similarly successful and similarly dull. Martha doesn't even pretend to manufacture false conflict because she doesn't have much to work with. She asks Dawna why the final programs for the fashion show weren't pretty, and, when Dawna explains the tight schedule and changes on the part of the Claiborne execs, Martha is perfectly satisfied with the answer. During the live broadcast, there's not much to do. The producers fill time with montages contrasting Bethenny's tough "New Yawk" existence with Dawna's sporty SoCal lifestyle. Alexis and Charles then get the chance to comment on the contestants, but Alexis fills most of her time with a plug for her Sirius radio show, which is apparently far naughtier and more entertaining than one might think. (Seriously - apparently the cameramen on the Apprentice shoot liked Alexis' threatening cleavage.) Even though Bethenny and Dawna's final team members are invited onstage, they don't say much. At least Martha gets another chance to talk with Jim - and it seems that Martha secretly admires Crazy Jim. She announces that she thinks Jim's behavior was all an act because he wouldn't have been able to marry otherwise. Jim laughs that his wife "balances him," and that it isn't an act. He'd better keep up his wacky routine because he's already made a website for all things Jim Bozzini. He even has a spot on the site where fans can post questions - and he actually answers them. When the winner is finally announced, it's all too clear. Thus far, all the insults have been directed toward Bethenny, and the belief that Dawna isn't creative enough seems to have been manufactured solely to give the competition more tension. Bethenny's final task was a success, but she so alienated her teammates that it's impossible to imagine how she would behave in a boardroom. Can you imagine? Of course, Dawna is the winner, and there's even a job available for her at the company at the newest MSLO magazine, Body and Soul, which Martha plugs like nobody's business. Dawna has been a success at publishing her own women-oriented sports magazine, so the job is tailor-made for her, and Bethenny can go back to baking her vegan cookies. (By the way, she has her own website, too, Bethenny Bakes, which has links to all the other Apprentices websites! No, we didn't click through on all of them. That would be creepy.) It's unfortunate that the show wasn't a ratings hit because it could have been a splash if Martha let the directors and editors make more of the fact that she was an ex-con. Perhaps they should have waited to shoot the show when she was out of house arrest so she could have had closer contact with the contestants. The contestants certainly had the potential to turn nasty, but one Jim and one drunken moment out of Ryan does not make for good reality television. If someone decides to revive the franchise with another domestic goddess, they should make more of the Desperate Housewives element because, let's face it, there's a seamy side to every bakesale. |
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