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A Dose of Reality: The Apprentice 5 - Episode 01: "You will lose."
by Joseph Mitchell
Published: February 28, 2006
The fifth season of Donald Trump's The Apprentice premiered Monday on NBC and ended like an episode of The Sopranos. Tarek was not fired this week, but I cannot guarantee his safety. The Russian, or the candidate also known as Lenny, promised Tarek, in his best Ivan Drago voice, that he will "not be around for long." I predict Tarek may be found chopped up into little pieces in a dumpster in Little Odessa in next week's episode.
But how did it come to this? Let me rewind to the beginning.
True to form, Trump managed to pimp 4 brands before the first commercial break. He rolled up to his private Trump jet in his Mercedes McClaren and took off to meet the new candidates where he unveiled they would use a Goodyear blimp to help them sell Sam's Club memberships. But hey, the show is about capitalism so it works within this show.
Trump quickly picked the team leaders. Tarek, an Orlando Bloom doppelganger with a MENSA membership card, would lead team Gold Rush and Allie, a brainy beauty with a screechy voice and an MBA from Harvard, would lead Synergy.
Team Gold Rush includes: Tarek, Tammy, Andrea, Michael, Sean, Pepi, Roxanne, Stacy and Brent.
Team synergy includes: Allie, Dan, Bryce, Charmaine, Lee, Leslie, Theresa, Lenny and Summer.
Brent, a Canadian attorney who's way out of his league here (and he's also the heaviest of the contestants) was picked last.
With their task in hand, Synergy huddled up for a brain storming session and knocked around marketing ideas to drive customers to Sam's Club. Brent emerged as the village idiot and suggested one laughable idea after another, from karaoke to haircuts. The team eventually settled on manicures and massages. After the brain storming session Allie decided to send Brent up in the blimp where he would be out to the way. Synergy lived up to its team name and worked well together to sell 43 memberships.
Gold Rush employed Tarek's strategy that could have only come from a MENSA mind; they offered gift bags with no gifts in them. Brilliant! Tarek sent Summer and Lenny up in the blimp. Summer was banished to the blimp as punishment for shirking her responsibilities to call restaurant owners and convince them to sign up for memberships. Lenny was sent up in the blimp for his local expertise and direct the pilot to fly over the most highly trafficked roads. Gold Rush members hustled and brought in 40 memberships, just enough to lose.
Tarek rallied his troops and earned their support for the boardroom. He even promised Lee he would not bring him back to the boardroom. Lenny - a former Soviet soldier that lives in New Jersey and operates a "medical trading" business (yeah, and Vito Corleone was an olive oil importer/exporter) - has studied his Sun Tzu too and formed a pact with Summer and advised her not to interrupt the Donald and together "they would kick asses." Yes he said, "Asses."
In the boardroom, Tarek stabbed Lee in the back and chose him to go to the elimination round along with Lenny and Summer. Trump was not impressed with Summer's efforts or Tarek's leadership. Lee, Lenny and Summer banded together to put the loss on Tarek's poor leadership. The Donald criticized Summer and she failed to speak up for herself, but Trump was more irked by Tarek's lack of leadership, but then Summer started to interrupt the Donald, putting the attention back on her and sealing her fate. Summer was fired.
The episode closed with Lenny's ominous threat that Tarek would "...not be around for long" . Cue Music. Tune in next week!
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