 |
|
| Home · Reviews · Interviews · Contests · Blog · Forums · Follow Us On Twitter |
|
by Caroline Roberts Published: March 13, 2006
What woman wouldn't fight over Public Enemy rapper Flavor Flav? And what parent wouldn't be proud to have Flavor Flav as a son-in-law? Let's list Flavor Flav's accomplishments: 1. Punching his girlfriend in the face (1991) 2. Installing flashing lights around his license plate - almost daring the police to pick him up for outstanding warrants (1992) 3. Firing his gun at a neighbor (1993) 4. Drying out in rehab (1993) 5. Assaulting a woman who took a photo of one of his many children (1994) 6. Toting around vials of crack cocaine (1995) 7. Possessing pot while riding a bicycle (1996) 8. Canoodling with Brigitte Nielsen in a hot tub (2004) 9. Evading payments of child support for his families - in public (2005) Let me know if I forgot anything. Perhaps VH1 is performing a public service by keeping this guy off the streets, but some have wondered exactly why VH1 finds Flavor Flav so entertaining that he deserves three television shows (Surreal Life, Strange Love, and Flavor of Love). Even Flavor Flav's bandmates in the critically lauded rap group that made Flav famous are mortified by Flav's public shenanigans. Chuck D was outraged to discover that not only was Flav behind on his child support but also that Flav didn't care too much about it. Chuck D told Rolling Stone: "I would be lying if I said that the side of Flav shown on 'Strange Love' doesn't affect what I've wanted our collective to stand for because it does, and many have told us how deeply they are bothered by this." It is indeed troubling to watch a 47-year-old rapper with a rap sheet chasing after twentysomething ladies. The women involved have to be a little crazy to kiss and cuddle Flavor Flav, who really does look like he's been around the block when it comes to drugs and hard living. Okay, the women involved have to be plenty crazy. And that's why the show is so good. It's not about Flav - it's about the woman who want to love him. The show has been filled with screamfests, accusations of transvestitism, impromptu strip shows, trips to cheesy restaurants, three-way showers, and undercooked chicken. The women on this show are willing to do anything, and the producers constantly test how far they will go. Hoopz vs. New York: Showdown in Puerto Vallarta The two finalists - Hoopz and New York - represent the simply crazy and the absolutely positively no-doubt-about-it insane. While the attractive Hoopz has proven she's a little kooky by smooching on Flav and mistaking Medieval Times for a high-class restaurant, New York is so obsessed with Flav that she is almost a stalker. Whenever he's with another woman, she's always around the corner, waiting to pounce once he's free. She's absolutely crazy with jealousy, and Flav is lapping it up. Flav's two finalists absolutely despise each other, so what does VH1 do? They book Flav and the two women a trip to Puerto Vallarta. Flav walks out the door with one woman on each arm, and the two are either glaring at each other or trying to ignore each other. VH1 also sets up a little drama in which Hoopz tells Flav what she would do to anyone who spat on her: "They'd still be trying to get them up off the floor right now." But the trip to Mexico isn't just about the date. Flavor Flav gets the chance to show off even more outrageous outfits, including a clock painted in the colors of the Mexican flag. And when a man wears a clock like that, the ladies can't help but fight over him. Hoopz and New York discover that they must share a hotel room and their first supper with Flav. Well, perhaps sharing isn't the right term. The hotel room is full of New York and her extensive array of beauty products, while Hoopz tries to find room for herself in the mess. New York keeps Flav waiting as she prepares for the meal. She takes a long time in front of the mirror, only to come out wearing so much make up that she must have applied it with a spatula. And then she applied her eyebrows with a Sharpie marker and plopped a vat of Vaseline on her mouth. But New York isn't the only flamboyant dresser of the night. Flav turns up in a green, studded suit with a butterfly stitched on his back. Hoopz says it "looks fly." Then again, she loved that trip to Medieval Times. Flav sits down between the two women, and the indigestion kicks in. He asks the women how they feel about each other. Naturally, they respond appropriately with how much they hate each other. Flav complains that the bickering has ruined his meal - but he started it! Since these two can't stop brawling, Flav will spend a whole 24 hours with each girl. 24 hours with Flav? Be still my beating heart! 24 Hours With New York: Excessive Bodily Fluids Warning: If you just ate, stop reading now, and get a bottle of Pepto Bismol, because this is going to get ugly. For his date with New York, Flav will take her on a boat trip to a private beach. New York thinks she's being sexy when she says, "When I'm finished with Flav, there will be nothing left for Hoopz. I'm going to drain Flav." Drain Flav? Has she seen Flav? All those drugs have left the man positively shrunken What's left? Spittle? And if there's anything else left, parents best get the kids out of the room! Flav has similar ideas regarding New York. When he sees her in a bikini, he is immediately drawn to her chest and squeals, "Got milk?" You go, Prince Charming. But she loves that he gives propers to her knockers. Maybe they are made for each other. The two frolic together on a boat and on the beach, and Flav somehow talks New York into taking a kayak out into the water. New York can barely stay in the kayak, and her weave suffers serious damage. By the time she gets back to the hotel, her hair has taken on a life of its own. But New York is relentless. She goes to supper with the intent of "sucking Flav dry." She certainly does a good job of doing that on an emotional level, as she wails that it may be their "last supper" together. To quiet her, Flav gives her a necklace and leads her up to his bedroom, where they proceed to make out. New York takes her metaphors to the next level when she says: "We didn't need dessert. Flav was my dessert! I was his dessert! We just served each other up on a platter." When they start "draining each other," New York paws at Flav's leopard-print jammies, and the cameramen do the audience a favor and cut away. In the morning, New York leaves Flav's hotel room wearing the exact same clothes. The daylight does her messy hair and makeup no favors, and the audience gets to enjoy New York take a full-on walk of shame. If VH1 really wanted to go all out, they could have hired some kid to poke his mommy and ask, "Mama, is that a hooker?" 24 Hours With Hoopz: Now That's Just Plain Wrong After watching New York and Flav "suck each other dry," Hoopz' date with Flav is boring in comparison. Hoopz just looks so much younger than Flav that it doesn't look right when they flirt with each other. On their way to a nature tour, the two trade playful kisses in the car. It isn't as gross and sloppy as what Flav does with New York, but one wants to call Child Protective Services to make Flav get his hands off that girl. Flav and Hoopz go on a "canopy tour," and Hoopz proves she's game for everything. She rides a cord across the top of the jungle, and Flav stays behind to gawk at Hoopz' rear end. Her bottom inspires him to compose a tender poem: I looked at that behind boy, was it fine! and I said she's got to be mine. I watched her from the back and I said, don't worry - I'll pick up your slack! America, meet your new poet laureate! After the canopy tour, Flav's a little tired and sore because his privates got squashed in the harness. So he and Hoopz relax while splashing around on the beach. Apparently Flav is excited by the splashing, and he tells the viewers that "some real fiery stuff goes on." Mercifully, he does not elaborate. Just as he did with New York, Flav takes Hoopz out to a restaurant. She is feeling the romance and says, "He knows how to treat a girl." His parole officer might not agree. But Hoopz also shows off her romantic side with some cute little presents. Flav may give her a necklace, but she gives him a postcard and an ass-tray. That wasn't a typo. She gave him an ass-tray, which is an ashtray with the shape of two buns right in the middle. For a while, it looked like New York had Flav all locked up, but that ass-tray helps Hoopz gain some ground. Flav lures Hoopz back to his boudoir, and Hoopz won't give it up as easily as New York. She declares, "We're going to hug, snuggle, and fall asleep." Hoopz performs a walk of shame as well, but she looks like she got a little more sleep than New York did. All Dressed Up for Elimination Flav sends the girls back to Los Angeles so they have time to shop and do their hair, and he'll have time to mull over his decision. The equivalent of Flav "mulling" is his occasional dialogue with his valet, Big Rick, and flashbacks of show highlights. Watching the girls get dressed is far more entertaining. New York loves going shopping and having her hair done, while Hoopz struggles with having extensions put in her hair and getting fitted for an evening gown. But don't let Hoopz' struggles fool you. She's actually an Internet model who looks plenty made up on her home page and a few racy photos that are floating around on the Internet. Give the girl an award for playing up the "Girl-Next-Door" bit. New York is absolutely preening like a peacock, and she shouldn't be because her hair looks like a dead wet seal sitting on her head. She declares, "Hoopz will be oblivious" once Flav gets an eyeful of her. Oblivious? There is nothing in this world like watching slow people try to use big words. When the two girls show up at the house in their limos, they step out wearing exactly the same dress. That seemed as staged as all-get-out, especially since the fronts of the dresses were cut to be more flattering to each woman, but both of the women play up their parts admirably. As New York and Hoopz wait for Flav, New York lectures Hoopz on how she's already lost and how she should have hope for the future. Then NY drops a bomb that makes the audience go "Ewww …" "Flav and I have been intimate together. And it's not sex. We're talking lovemaking." These are two people the masses shouldn't see "make love." Hoopz immediately calls New York out for giving it up so fast, and New York tries to be classy, in her own special way: "We wasn't f*&kin! It was beautiful. We made music." Excuse the audience while they get their earplugs. Then … Flavor Flav arrives to choose right woman for him. The audience gets another look at both women, and New York absolutely dwarfs Hoopz - both horizontally and vertically. If New York leaned over, she could bite Hoopz' head off. Flav looks at both women and asks if either of them will be mad at him if he lets them go. Of course, both say to his face that they will respect his decision. Then Flav just starts screaming: "HOOPZ! NEW YORK! HOOPZ! NEW YORK!" Okay, we get the point. And then Flav drops the bomb. He chooses Hoopz! The editors gave us a surprise because, after the walk of shame and the "beautiful music together" stuff, it seemed as if New York had a lock on it. But perhaps he was building up her ego just to tear her down and force her into a second walk of shame. She has to take a long, sad limo ride home while Flavor Flav gives Hoopz her set of gold teeth - which VH1 surrounds with silly light effects. And it's happily ever after between Hoopz and Flav. At least until the reunion show, which will air in two weeks and features even more New York Freakouts. |
|||||||||||||||||||||||
| Copyright © 1997-2010 Burlee LLC. All rights reserved. | Reprints | Privacy Policy | Disclosure | About Us/Contact Us | RSS Feed |