 |
|
| Home · Reviews · Interviews · Contests · Blog · Forums · Follow Us On Twitter |
|
by Iris Blasi Published: March 7, 2006
Well, Tarek, congratulations on being the best of the worst. Just remember that you dodged Trump's ax by just a hair. If Summer hadn't opened her big mouth last week (underscoring once more lesson numero uno: Never interrupt The Donald), it would have been your ass. So be on your best behavior. But on to this week's task: Trump arrives in a limo, flanked by Bill Rancic, the former Apprentice who has extended his tenure due to copious quantities of butt-kissing, and none other than Ivanka Trump. Ivanka's gorgeous suit (accessorized by a stunning hand bag that could easily equal the yearly salary of some of the candidates) is enough of a credential for me, certifying her as an official classy broad but Trump makes sure to highlight her degree from the Wharton School of Finance. Sure, Ivanka that's why you're there. Because you're a graduate of a prestigious business school. Nothing to do with nepotism. But moving right along. This week's task will center on marketing via text messages. After a few awkwardly-inserted shots of people walking in the city looking at their cell phones, Trump even-more-awkwardly defines texting as "sending a brief written message from one phone to another." He goes on to extol the virtues of this 'new' technology before claiming his rightful position in the cave days. "What the hell do I know about text messaging?" he jokes. Nothing, Mr. Trump. Absolutely nothing. And you don't have to. Have you any desire to text, I'm sure you can hire someone to do it for you. On a solid gold cell phone. Trump informs the candidates that they need to promote Gillette's new "Fusion" razor. Whichever team can get the most people to text a specific keyword will win. And, with that, Daddy Donald kisses his daughter and departs. On Team Synergy, Pepi volunteers to be project manager, but the entire team ignores him, too busy trying to take down Brent, who believes his strength lies in his ability to "stand out from the crowd." Little does he realize that his obesity and greasy hair are not positive traits with which to establish a unique identity. As Brent speaks, Stacy interrupts him. Brent is peeved and so, when Stacy leaves the room, he follows her for a confrontation. Now, what really happens is this: Cry-baby Brent tells tough-chick Stacy (who, as a criminal prosecutor, has handled much worse than this) to stop being so mean. But the situation immediately gets blown out of proportion, with Stacy erupting with a stream of accusations, talking smack about how Brent "threatened her" and was "pushing up into her." "I cannot work like that," she huffs, egging on her team to action. "There was no assault, there was no battery," Brent counters. "As an attorney, Stacy should be ashamed of herself. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen." [During the commercial break, there is an ad for a contest sponsored by headache-medicine company Excedrin for viewers to vote for "the biggest pain of the week." Brent wins hands-down for his use of the clichιd phrase "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."] Trump's lesson of the week is that "people are strange." Read: don't judge people based on their appearances. A good lesson coming from a man with that god-awful comb-over. But feel free to judge Brent for being fat. Judge away. Whereas Gold Rush is stymied due to in-fighting, Synergy seems to be moving along. Tossing around keywords, they hit on "get closer." Twenty-two-year old Lee is project manager, trying to cover his inexxperience with incessant buzz-talk. "I don't care what word people will type on phone," grumbles foreign Lenny. "A, B, C who cares?" While Lee continues to smother the task with a blanket of buzz words, Lenny leaves with Charmaine and Leslie to scope out possible locations in Times Square. Back at Synergy, everyone is still griping about Brent. "He's distracting," they whine. "He's totally out of control." Recalling that Trump had berated Kwame for not firing Omorosa, Pepi goes to Brent. "The suggestion was made to send you home," he says. "I think anyone who says that is absolutely insane," Brent counters. And with that, he somehow dodges the attempting ousting and joins his team in the conference room. But Synergy has now wasted so much time dealing with Brent that they have not a single idea. In the elevator, Michael proposes having people wear bathrobes. People will see the team in their robes and come over to ask what is going on. Michael shame on you. A Manhattan native. How out of touch are you that you seriously think this is an attention-grabbing tactic? A man in a bathrobe in Times Square will hardly elicit a second glance. The next morning, Gold Rush is up and at 'em before Synergy even wakes up. They're out the door by 6:30am. Synergy's Roxanne goes to wake Pepi, who is anything but. Confused and disoriented, he rolls over and goes back to sleep. Synergy stakes out a prime spot at TKTS, an extremely high-traffic booth offering discounted theater tickets in Times Square. Better still, the team has ready-made sitting ducks: their targets are doing nothing but waiting in line, thereby easily susceptible to Gold Rush's seduction. Synergy doesn't show up in Times Square a general location Stacy chose, seemingly without fully thinking it through until nearly 11:30 a.m. In a direct contrast to the order of Gold Rush, the members of Synergy resort to scattered guerilla tactics, trying to accost tourists and harried New Yorkers alike as they walk down the sidewalk. Brent resorts to the robot, throws in a little running man, and pats himself on the back for his great attention-getting techniques. Ivanka, oh-so-diplomatically: "He's hard to miss." Talk about poise. The tasks ends and we turn to the boardroom. Ivanka proclaims Gold Rush "a very interesting group of people" and announces that they got 683 text messages. Bill, on the other hand, mentions Synergy's late start and less-than-desirable location. Synergy is the loser with only 458. "You just got creamed," Trump announces. Gold Rush is informed of their reward: getting to work with an organization called "Career Gear," which supplies disadvantaged men with clothing so they can get back into the work force. No diamonds or trips to Mar-a-lago this time. Nope. Instead, Synergy gets to do community service as their reward. The expression painfully obvious on each winner's face is "What the .?" So they go off to outfit three down-on-their luck guys as their 'reward.' Trump appears when the job is done, proclaiming to the three men, "You're all set." Well yes, they have their suits. But not jobs. Or connections. Trump can give them a suit, but can't offer them a job. Those suits will get them really far, though, Trump. Thanks a million. (Which, I might point out, is just a FRACTION of your annual income. But surely those suits are enough of a contribution to someone attempting to turn their life around.) Back to Synergy and the inevitable gossipy, backstabbing whispers. In a replay of the Stacie J situation from Season 2 where Stacie's team engineered her firing through accusations of mental instability, Synergy tries to label Brent "unstable." In a sudden about-face, Stacy claims she never said she felt threatened. Oh, the magic of television Stacy. Your words and your retraction are captured for posterity. Cut to the boardroom. Brent is sweating. Heavily. And rightfully so. With the exception of Roxanne, who blames Project Manager Pepi, everyone urges Trump to fire Brent, claiming he was so distracting during the task that he sapped their resources and energy. Brent argues, "I was a star on this task" and continues to sweat. It's on his chin. It's on his upper lip. It's running down his face. Backed into a corner about it being his idea to dress up in bathrobes, Michael is the first to bust out the crazy card. Stacy says that now yes she did feel threatened, which Trump immediately calls her on. "If anything, Stacy, you probably scare Brent," he says. Brent is still sweating. With such a bad loss, Trump says he will allow Pepi to bring an additional person to the boardroom, as he's planning on firing two candidates this week. Pepi decides he will drag Stacy, Michael and Brent down along with him, and goes to wait in the lobby while Trump makes his decision. A real estate man through and through, Trump lets Stacy go for neglecting the cardinal rule of real estate: Location, location, location. Brent is told he's sure not to last long, and Michael is given a stern warning. Pepi is fired, too, as Trump reckons that, if Pepi can't handle Brent, he can't handle Trump's business. "They were nice people, smart people," Ivanka says in closing. "But they just weren't apprentices." Or the boss's daughter. Proving once again that the two sure-fire ways to the top in business are: Sleep with the boss, or be born to him. |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Copyright © 1997-2009 Burlee LLC. All rights reserved. | Reprints | Privacy Policy | Disclosure | About Us/Contact Us | RSS Feed |