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by Caroline Roberts Published: March 27, 2006
Making a video could be fairly entertaining, but someone foolishly puts Tawny Kitaen in charge of the project. Starring in a music video doesn't make one qualified to be a producer. The entire episode is merely a lead-up until Tawny relives her glory days by shaking it on top of a car. But the real babe in the video turns out to be … not Playboy starlet Andrea Lowell … not transgendered babe Alexis Arquette … but Florence "Mrs. Brady" Henderson. In the video, Steve is looking for his motel room, but he keeps walking into the wrong ones, and his Surreal Life castmates are running wild inside each one. This scenario allows Steve to let his fantasies run wild. Of course, he wants Tawny to dance on top of a car a la Whitesnake, but he's truly excited at the thought of Florence Henderson as a video babe. On the phone before the shoot begins, Steve eagerly tells Flo that he's imagining her as a dominatrix. He butters her up by calling her "sweetheart" and "sweetie." Then he asks her if she has any leather. Yep, Flo just has whips and chains just laying around. Ah, well, she can always call Adrianne Curry if she needs it. The show hits a slow point when everyone goes to a prop store, and Tawny Kitaen tries to prove that she has a mind. She has $1500 to spend at the prop store, and she is determined to come in under budget. This all depends on if she can keep track of what the others are spending. Tawny also needs to improve her management skills. She immediately tries to boss Flo, and no one bosses Flo Henderson. Tawny annoys Flo by pointing a pen at her and barking, "You are the dominatrix." Flo gives her a steely look and says, "No, I’m not." Tawny jokes that Flo was about to get fired, and that's when she receives a face full of sass. Flo rears back and asks, "I'm sorry, you're in charge? Oh, dear!" No one else is especially impressed with Tawny's decisions either. Even though she came in under budget, she overspent her time, and everyone is skeptical that they can finish the video shoot in time. Steve is also irritated that she didn't spend all the $1500 on props - they had enough money for everything else in the budget. The cameras were paid for, and no one was picketing outside the shoot, so she may as well have spent the money. No one is happy with Tawny. When reflecting on the day, Alexis looks right in the camera and declares, with perfect enunciation, "What an ASSWIPE!" But some people manage to have fun. Flo and CC breeze through their portion of the video shoot, in which they audition for Smashmouth. Flo imagines that she's Gwen Stefani or Pink (she's more Pink, we'd say), and CC is thrilled: "I thought my days of being on MTV were over!" How refreshing! Someone who freely admits he's fallen down the celeb food chain! Meanwhile, the other cast members are feeling neglected. In the trailer, Andrea plays with her breasts and poses as Maven watches. Alexis watches Maven watching Andrea and snaps a few photos. Poor Sherman Hemsley is snoring off in a corner after snacking himself into oblivion. Tawny rouses Sherman long enough for a big scene in which Tawny wears a nun's habit with hot pink fishnets underneath. Tawny thinks the idea is "avant-garde." Flo, who is scheduled to be in the scene, refuses to take part because she was raised by nuns: "I really can't do anything sacrilegious about nuns." Tawny thinks that Flo doesn't "get the sarcasm." Of course, Tawny can't articulate what a nun with hot-pink fishnets might mean, either, but that's not the point. Flo leaves the scene in a huff, but Sherman's down with nuns in fishnets, so they get the scene done. Well, Sherman never says it's okay with him, but most people take his silence as agreement. Then, it's the moment Tawny's been waiting for - she gets to dance on the car! Well, it's hard to call it dancing. Tawny's joints aren't what they used to be, so she sways back and forth while sitting on the backseat. She tosses her hair back, and it's decent, but it sure isn't the same as her wild yoga workout on the hood of David Coverdale's car. Even though her days as video babe are long past, Tawny is all over that video. She babbles about how producers are supposed to be "invisible," and if that's the case, then she did a terrible job. At the end of the night, it's time for a typical Surreal Life celebration by the swimming pool. Needless to say, it doesn't take long for Andrea to get nekkid and hop in, but there's one element that's a downer - CC is just out of rehab, and Steve is pouring tequila into everyone's margarita … except CC's. Everyone's a little nervous that CC will fall off the wagon, including CC, but he holds back. The producers certainly aren't helping by staging events in which alcohol is included. Sure, recovering alcoholics should learn how to handle situations in which alcohol may be served, but the guy just left rehab before the show. Cut him some slack! At least VH1 consoles him by attaching a command to his virgin margarita glass - he gets to kiss his favorite castmate, and it isn't Sherman Hemsley. CC gives Andrea a lingering smoocher. Alexis then gives Maven a lap dance, and he sure is a good sport about it, saying, "I tell you what, I've had a lot worse lap dances!" Then, Maven, who has been in the shadows the entire episode, gets to show off a little bit and create a whipped-cream bikini for himself. Sadly, the results look more like someone dumped a cup of yogurt on his crotch. Never let it be said that Surreal Life parties don’t end on a high note! Next week: The cast creates a newscast for a San Luis Obispo television station. Perhaps Sherman Hemsley will utter some words of wisdom. |
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