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by Caroline Roberts Published: April 2, 2006
She calls her roommate and says she is "kind of annoyed" and ready to "f&*king kill people." Well, you would be grouchy, too, if a sober CC DeVille were shredding in your ear. You also would be grouchy if you look like Alexis does in the morning - which is like a member of a Flock of Seagulls after an all-night bender. But that's not why she's annoyed. She's annoyed because she feel like everyone is acting strangely around her, which they are, but she's especially annoyed because she didn't get much of a chance to be on camera during the Smashmouth video shoot. Alexis, sugar, take it from us - you will thank yourself later! It's just Smashmouth, for crying out loud! When the news arrives, the celebs learn they will be producing a news segment for a television station in San Luis Obispo. According to the newsletter, the goal of the exercise is to learn that "Believe it or not, things do happen outside Hollywood." The reaction shot from Sherman is priceless, as his face says, "What do you people think I am, a moron?" That Sherman, he's a clever one. He's just getting his paycheck and staying out of the way. Sherman is the secret zen master of the show, and we crave his wisdom. But, despite Sherman's incredulous look, the real star of the show is Alexis' gender status and what she does with that gender status. For example, a tour bus pulls up to take the gang to KSBY, and Alexis squeals, "The last time I was on one of these things … well, quite frankly … I was [BEEP BEEP] on Marilyn Manson." Well, those two were made for each other! You just try to keep that image out of your heads for the rest of the night! On the way to San Luis Obispo, Alexis takes advantage of having a captive audience, and, when Tawny asks a question, Alexis dons her professorial hat and gives a full lecture about the difference between a transvestite and a transgender. The number-one rule when dealing with a transvestite and a transgender - be careful referring to any of them as a "drag queen" or you might get beat up. Alexis Arquette is not a "drag queen." A drag queen focuses on the clothes and on dressing up as a woman, but the drag queen isn't going to go the extra mile and have sex-reassignment surgery. Alexis Arquette is a woman on the inside, and she is making her outside match her inside. She also admits there are limitations - "I'm a masculine-looking girl, and I don't have a problem with that because I'm not trying to pass." After this little life lesson, Andrea and Tawny feel like they've bonded with Alexis. Andrea even snuggles up with her in a gesture of sisterhood. Sherman yawns. Meanwhile, CC, who is rather like one of those hyper kids who always had to stand in the hallway in elementary school, is getting himself all worked up. Once he sees Flo at the station, he comes dangerously close to saying, "Can I, Mom? Can I please be on tee-vee? Can I? Can I? Can I?" Unfortunately, it is up to Flo to tell him that the celebs will be learning about production. Flo gives him the look that she always gave one of the Brady kids when a disappointment was on the way. "I don’t think they'll let us do the news." Yep, these guys are going to learn a real skill about how their faces wind up in that teeny-tiny camera and appear on televisions all across America - or at least in San Luis Obispo. One face won't be ending up on San Luis Obispo television stations. The managers decide that Alexis will be the executive producer, and Alexis takes it personally because she knows that they know the audience won't appreciate a transgender. That is highly likely, but the show probably also selected Alexis because, well, Alexis is the most professional person there besides Flo. The others seem somewhat satisfied with their assignments. Flo will be the anchor, Sherman will do weather, and CC will do sports. Steve and Andrea will cover a story at the Tolusa winery, while Tawny and Maven (wow, does that sound like a 1970s disco duo, or what?) track down a missing weathervane. Tawny isn't happy with her story because she wanted to do something more serious. However, she doesn't know what a weathervane is, and she calls it a "watervane." Good thing the San Luis Obispo station didn't ask her to cover a school board decision. She says, "I didn't want to come off looking like an idiot," but that is exactly what she does. She's an absolute mess when interviewing, shamelessly flirting with a police officer and putting her foot in her mouth when she asks about the mayor's son … who is dead. (Couldn't the reporter assigned to babysit Tawny and Maven have given her some background?) Poor Maven stands off to the side, looking like he wants to dig himself a hole and crawl inside. Meanwhile, Steve and Andrea head to the Tolusa winery, where the biggest challenge is keeping the party-happy Andrea from getting hammered. Plus, Alexis calls constantly to make sure that they don’t drink on camera. That doesn't stop the producers from editing together reels of footage featuring Andrea chugging away on glasses of wine. However, a drunk Andrea is a much better interviewer than a sober Tawny. The person with the most fun job in the bunch is CC. Once Alexis tells him to shave so that he looks less scruffy, he joins the sports team to do a story on kickboxing, and he gamely gets into the ring with a female kickboxer who promptly beats him up. Sherman is the weatherman, which is the easiest job ever in that part of the world. This gives Sherman the chance to eat and nap to his heart's content. One wonders why the man isn't triple his size. As the time of the newscast approaches, one interviewer is hammered, one is on the verge of a turkey coma, and another is just plain dumb. Tawny and Maven try to assemble their story in the editing room, but Tawny has trouble grasping basic news principles. Maven says, "It shouldn't have been as difficult as it was." Things are even worse for Andrea and CC. Andrea, who is on assignment at the Farmers Market, is too drunk to do the news, and CC thinks he isn't drunk enough. After wanted to be on television all day, he suffers stage fright and starts to want a drink. Remember, he is fresh out of rehab, so when he says, "I feel like having a drink now. Talk me down," it makes sense. He's used to having people around him 24/7 who should keep him off the sauce. The show abruptly cuts off, and we have to wait until next week to see how the newscast turned out, but the real attraction will be watching Alexis take down some rednecks who don't understand the meaning of the word "transgender." |
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