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by Caroline Roberts Published: April 11, 2006
The latest episode will reveal how the castmates did when they attempted to produce a newscast for a San Luis Obispo television station. The last episode was a cliffhanger of sorts, as each cast member prepared for his or her big moment. Luckily, they have Florence Henderson as the anchor. She acts all nervous, with an emphasis on the word "acts." Florence was a co-host of the short-lived Later Today, which was a lame attempt by NBC to fill the wasteland of daytime television. C'mon, anyone who can cover the Arroyo Grande Chicken Festival and utter the line "She is without a doubt a big clucker!" without laughing is a genuine professional. The same cannot be said of Tawny Kitaen. When the newscast cuts to her ridiculous report about San Luis Obispo's missing weathervane, it is clear that Tawny hasn't spoken much on camera. Writhing around on the hood of a car and having a minor role in Bachelor Party isn't solid training in extemporaneous speech. Plus, fast thinking isn't Tawny's forte. When reading the script, she seems somewhat literate, but she holds onto the script for dear life, and, when Florence asks her a simple question about the cost of a replacement weathervane, Tawny freezes up. Her mouth flaps as if she were a flounder out of water. Maven, bless his heart, puffs up her ego by saying she did great, but what he really means is, "Thank goodness that's over!" Tawny being Tawny, she takes it as a personal affront that Florence asked her a question. She says in retrospect, "Florence through me a complete curveball. You know what? I don't appreciate that!" Florence's response is that a reporter should be able to handle questions. With that one moment, VH1 has comic gold - a Brady Mom versus Video Babe Battle Royale! Alas, before those two can start clawing at each other, we need to see how the other castmembers did with the newscast. It's part of their contract. Andrea goes live from a farmers market, and, despite her chugging, she is either better at thinking on her feet or VH1 edited out any of her on-camera flubs. Perhaps she is the kind of gal who has a hollow leg and can function while tooted up on California Red. CC is still flipping out when he sits down to give his sports report. He comes across as charming, and he doesn't mind poking fun at himself while kickboxers pound on him. Florence, ever the amateur psychologist, senses a breakthrough - apparently this is the first time CC has worked sober. Someone rouses sleepy bear Sherman from his cave and slaps a microphone on him. Part of the Tao of Sherman is that he saves his energy for the right time. When the news camera turns on, it is as if someone flipped a switch. Sherman is on. He has no idea where the map of California is on the green screen, and he can't use the clicker that weatherfolks use to advance images on the screen, but he doesn't especially care. He starts riffing on the weather, and you haven't seen anything until you've seen Sherman Hemsley shake it. For you weather purists, don't worry - being the weatherperson in San Luis Obispo is an easy gig. Alexis has gone missing for the past few paragraphs, but she's just waiting to bust out all over San Luis Obispo, and that she does when the cast goes to celebrate the end of the day. Then, a bunch of hicks start making fun of Alexis with stupid words such as "Hey, check out that she-him." A dude wearing a shirt that says "I feel a sin coming on" stands up and challenges Alexis. VH1 may have staged it and deliberately sent the cast to a suburban joint where transgenders aren't common. But Alexis certainly looks hurt when people start laughing at her, and it isn't long before, as Steve so eloquently puts it, "Her guy face comes out." After yelling and threatening at the haters, Alexis tells the camera, "People have to point out that that they know that I’m transsexual. You think I don't know that?" That's a good point. When people act silly around transsexuals, it's usually because they feel they have to tell the whole world they can tell men and woman apart. Wow, good for them. They learned that as children, and they clearly never learned anything since. Can they count, too? Enough of the Alexis-Haters. Alexis takes charge of the situation, advances transgender rights, and proves that she can kick some San Luis Obispo butt. She cools off with a smoke, and Sherman even gives her a high five for holding her own against the hicks. The entire cast consoles her, and the guy who taunted her sends over a glass of something to apologize. Another interesting subplot is that Steve and CC feel like they need to leave because they are tempted to drink. And props to them. The Surreal Life needs drama, but it certainly doesn't need falling-off-the-wagon drama. But others in the cast are miles away from the sobriety wagon, and they are gonna party. Maven surrounds himself with fillies, and Alexis even catches the attentions of a cute, nerdy guy. She steals a kiss from him when … what do you know … Some redneck yells, "Take him home, he has a penis, dude!" Nerdy Guy disappears. Maven is immediately there and defuses the situation like a gentleman. Meanwhile, Andrea is off showing some dudes her "funbags." Alexis is ready to go home, but on her way out, people yell, "Go home tranny, and that's a man." Suddenly, it's an episode of Alexis Gone Wild. Alexis goes after them with an umbrella, and heads for the van. Maven says that he's got Alexis' back, and Alexis is feeling pretty good about her Surreal Life. She says, "We are a family. We are a core group, and nobody can break us apart." That is ... ...until next week, when Tawny goes Whitesnake on Florence Henderson. |
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