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by Caroline Roberts Published: April 17, 2006
The mere presence of Florence Henderson encourages wayward celebs and semi-celebs to behave themselves. All except Tawny Kitaen, who decides to use her own personal talk show to go after Flo this week. Surreal Life has edited the show to prepare viewers for a Florence Henderson / Tawny Kitaen Battle Royale, but Tawny's supposed reasons for going after Flo are downright ridiculous. Flo doesn't want to make fun of nuns. That doesn't make her a bad person. She asked Tawny a question about the missing weathervane (which Tawny called a "watervane") when the Surreal Life cast churned out an action news bit in San Luis Obispo. It's not her fault that Tawny couldn't think of an answer. Yet, when asked to give her opinion on Flo, Tawny sighs, "God, she's such a bitch!" At first glance, the entire catfight seems staged so Flo and Tawny can maximize the show's publicity. There's nothing else exciting happening this season, anyway. However, Flo maintained in an interview with the New York Daily News that she and Tawny really didn't get along. According to the paper, "What you see - catty fights, petty jealousies, inane conversations - is pretty much what went on. Kitaen proved difficult, says Henderson, but Mrs. Brady stood her ground and Kitaen learned one thing for sure: "Don't f- with Flo!" Flo also aired her grievances against Tawny to others. She told TV Guide, "Her behavior is very incongruent. You never know which Tawny is going to show up [on any given day]. She was a big challenge." So, what's Tawny's problem? The real reason may be pure jealousy. Flo is a hot mama. She is in her 70s, yet she retains a dewiness that ex-video vixen Kitaen would kill for. She has a much younger boyfriend and attracts far more attention from the Surreal Life fellas. Tawny sees her chance to pounce on Flo when she has the option to invite Flo as her guest on her "talk show," which is part of the Surreal Life Community College Course in Other Careers. Each cast member gets 10 minutes before an audience to host a talk show, and the winner will host a VH1 show later in the year. All the cast members can invite professional oddities to go on the show - midgets, pet wranglers, mustachioed men ... and Florence Henderson. Instead of just asking Flo to be the guest on her talk show, Tawny goes through a bizarre routine that proves she lives on a planet different from the rest of us. She pretends to be calling Flo on the telephone ("Tawny to Earth, Tawny to Earth"). No one else has been informed of Tawny's little skit, least of all Flo. Flo gives Tawny a classic "you are insane" look until Tawny barks, "Pick up the phone, Flo!" The ever-gracious Flo really does pick up. Any other person would have smacked her, but Tawny puts her through this bizarre conversation in which Flo formally agrees to go on Tawny's talk show. Tawny proceeds to exist under the delusion that she will somehow "get" Flo, and she enlists the saintly comedy writers assigned to the Surreal Life Talk Show to help her in this endeavor. The comedy writers and the show runner have been lucky so far because they get to work with the cast members who are genuinely funny (Alexis Arquette), lively (CC DeVille), or at least trained to be funny (Sherman Hemsley). Yet Tawny has all the charisma of a potato. Plus, she's mean. At one point, she declares, "We're gonna find out more about this woman than her gynecologist." When practicing, Tawny also gives Flo a taste of the questions she will ask, including, "When did you lose your virginity?" Naturally, Flo gives her a "None of your bloody business!" look. Keep in mind that Tawny's behavior is a complete contrast to Flo's kindness when Steve reveals that he lost his child to leukemia. Flo later consoles Sherman Hemsley, who is a little nervous about getting up onstage. Is this the kind of woman who needs to be "exposed" to the public? Tawny's show has many other problems besides her one-woman mission against Flo. For starters, her opening monologue is racist, and not in that Richard Pryor sort of way. It's the kind of junk that your crazy survivalist aunt from Montana spews at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Tawny clearly doesn't realize that the comedy writers are setting her up to fall on her can. As usual, VH1 cuts off the show just when it starts getting good, but next week we'll see Tawny make a fool of herself when she tries to take down America's Favorite Mother. Other cast members do exist on this episode, although they are relegated to background players in the Tawny-Flo saga. For starters, Alexis tries to hit up members of her famous family for guests ... and winds up with Pepe the Prawn. CC is nervous without booze, as usual. Sherman Hemsley has Marla Gibbs on speed dial. Maven stands around looking so good that even Steve Harwell notices. |
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