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by Caroline Roberts Published: May 1, 2006
That's right. Child actor gone wrong told Mr. "Girls Girls Girls" how to sing. Vince Neil may not be Pavarotti, but the guy has been in the music business long enough to know what he is doing. This week, the music video babe Tawny Kitaen decides that she knows more than actual musicians, namely CC DeVille and Steve Harwell, about setting up a concert. When the show tells the cast members that they will be competing with a cover band for a prize that will go to charity, Tawny is assigned the role of band manager, and she must coordinate a performance of Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me." CC is understandably nervous, perhaps because he heard of what happened to Vince Neil. At first the cast members, with the exceptions of CC and Steve, don't even think about the music. Andrea is already fantasizing about gyrating on stage in skimpy clothes, Sherman seems to be hanging around so he can watch Andrea try on those clothes (Sherman!), and Tawny is already thinking about her hair - only she wants to wear Alexis' wig. Frankly, Alexis' wig looks better than Tawny's poufy 'do, but wearing another person's wig is similar to wearing their underpants. Plus, Alexis clearly works to get her hair just right because it is her hair. By asking to wear Alexis' wig, Tawny is essentially saying, "You're just a drag queen with a trunk full of wigs, so you can spare one, right?" Dear readers, what happens next should teach you the number-one lesson in Dealing With Transgenders. Transgenders are not, not, not drag queens. They identify as the gender they want to be, and, after all the crap they go through, the last thing they need to hear is that they aren't "real" women or "real" men. After Alexis showers, she pulls her towel up under her armpits, just as a "real" woman would - Alexis is a woman 24/7, not just when she feels like it. Of course, these concepts are difficult for Tawny and even other castmembers (remember, Sherman referred to Alexis as "sister, brother, whatever" last week) to understand, so Alexis gets fed up and proceeds to trash the place. Then again, her behavior doesn’t really qualify as "trashing the place." She doesn't do much damage, and her feminine, flowy, hippie skirt gets in the way. Alexis' violent outburst, though, is just as motivated by the fact that Tawny chose Steve to be the lead singer - which may have been the most sensible move Tawny made all day. That's Steve's day job. The guy is actually a singer for a band, so why not? Alexis tells Tawny, "If I can sing lead, you can wear my wig," but Tawny says no, and the Wig Incident gives Alexis an excuse to act out and use her, well, frankly masculine muscles to break stuff. The fit seems to push Tawny right over the edge. In her peanut gallery commentary, Tawny tries to describe Alexis' rage as a "temper tantrum" … only she can't say the words "temper" and "tantrum." In the clips, she's so lost and befuddled that she doesn't even remember Steve and CC's names. Ever eager to irritate Tawny, Steve goes outside to console Alexis, who is out on the back porch teaching Maven in "Transgender 101," with the immortal line, "These fake tits are real, and they're mine!" Steve gallantly hands over his lead singer role to Alexis, and that solves one problem, but it certainly doesn't fix Tawny's brain cells. She can't seem to get it through her head that "Talk Dirty to Me" doesn't call for keyboards, but she wants to set up the song with a bloody chamber orchestra.. Steve tells her again and again that she doesn't need to waste time worrying about the keyboard, but Tawny insists on having one, and he gets his temper on. This time, nothing gets broken except perhaps Tawny's ego. In his anti-Tawny monologue, Steve says that she is "looney tunes" and "out of her tree." Bless CC's clean-and-sober heart, he could have ganged up on Tawny at that moment, too, because "Talk Dirty to Me" is his song, but he merely says that she is "not of sound mind." Steve gets in his last digs when Florence arrives and he tells her everything. This seems to mellow Steve out, and he apologizes to Tawny, but he always has the knowledge that Flo is on his side. In fact, Flo has Tawny dialed: "Tawny often says things one way and then behaves a totally different way, and it creates this anger in people." When everyone is finally ready to leave, Alexis prances out in this amazing hooker getup. Okay, even if you don't want to call Alexis a woman, you must admit that she has a smoking bod, and she does a spot-on imitation of the Plasmatics' Wendy O. Williams. For once, the producers don't make the viewers wait a week to see how the Surreal Lifers' tasks turned out. After rehearsing, the cast heads straight to the Key Club to engage in the Battle of the Bands. The competition is pretty stiff, as the cast will be up against real-life, professional tribute band Posin. Their website says the band is fully endorsed by Poison, and CC praises them, but he looks a little uncomfortable when meeting them. He also seems puzzled that anyone would devote his entire life to imitating him. He says, "I'm very flattered that a tribute band would spend that much time on something we did." Well, being in a tribute band sure beats sudoku as a hobby. While CC struggles with the psychological issues resulting from seeing his doppelganger, Andrea is busy working out her mother complexes regarding Flo. Flo isn't happy with Andrea's scanty attire, but Andrea says she wants to be nothing more than a "gratuitous sexpot" on stage. She proceeds to practice for that role by working on her scissor kicks. Just to annoy Flo even more, she announces that all the girls are "gonna wish they were me, like how I do with Tawny Kitaen." After a line like that, can anyone blame Flo for wanting to stage an intervention? Tawny Kitaen as someone to look up to? Call a psychoanalyst! Stat! Flo raises the catfight-competition heat by stepping onstage to introduce the band, proving that a woman can be fully clothed, yet still attractive. Andrea proves that a woman can be largely unclothed and still unattractive, since she mops the floor with her stomach during the band's performance. No matter how much Andrea humps the floor, she doesn't distract from CC's solid performance. He certainly couldn't afford to lose that challenge, and he wants to prove that he can rock out sober. Alexis also does a fine job as the band's frontwoman. Poison's act was always all about gender-bending anyway. Those guys wore more makeup than an entire float at the San Francisco Pride parade, so Alexis fit right in. At the end, when the audience grants the Surreal Life cast the win (as if they wouldn't win), CC is walking on air. The cast is so pooped after the Battle of the Bands that they go right to sleep, except for Andrea and Maven, who head for the hot tub. If you're expecting anything naughty from Mr. Mocha and Andrea, you will be disappointed. All Andrea does is gripe about Flo, and nothing turns a guy off more than kvetching about the female competition. Maven tries to look interested, but he's probably fantasizing about making out with Mrs. Brady as Andrea blathers on about how she doesn't get enough respect. Next Week: The cast has to hear Flo's Final Word - and nothing is more painful than a lecture from Mrs. Brady. |
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