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by Caroline Roberts Published: May 7, 2006
Flo is a trained hypnotherapist with a solid dose of common sense, but we at the Trades would also like to pitch in with our own amateur psychological evaluations as she helps out each cast member. Of course, you can't wait to see what Flo has to say about Tawny, right? Well, if you simply must find out exactly how crazy Tawny is, scroll down to the bottom and enjoy yourselves. But we won't let Sherman Hemsley be ignored yet again, and with that … Sherman Hemsley - "C" for Confidence The "C" Flo gives Sherman is intended to boost his self-esteem. However, the "C" might also stand for his inability to shine on reality television. Flo points to a big-screen television set as clips roll past of Sherman being Zen. He doesn't fight. He doesn't care if someone wants to share his room. He sleeps. He eats. He lets Andrea put her bosoms on his head. He's more like a Buddha than a television star. However, Flo missed something. Sherman may be suffering from narcolepsy given his love of naps, and he might want to check in with a doctor. The Trades Evaluation: "C" is for congratulations! Because Sherman is clearly the sanest cast member! If the only bad thing anyone can think of to say about Sherman Hemsley is that he doesn’t have strong self-esteem, then he must be well-liked. Then again, Flo may have missed something else. Depending on how you feel about certain drugs, Sherman might also require an intervention, according to a radio interview with Steve Harwell. Steve says, "Sherman likes smoking that funny grass! He was high the whole time!" Sherman and marijuana??? Say it ain't so! Credit goes to user MihoDatura on the "Surreal Life" discussion forum on Television Without Pity. Maven Huffman - "T" for Truth Flo has a surprise for everyone. Mr. Mocha, whose role in the show has been to stand around looking pretty, might have a prescription-drug problem. Flo plays a clip of Maven talking on the phone with a friend, confiding that he may need to go to a program for Vicodin. Maven's physical troubles are proof that wrestling is fake, but the injuries are real. Pile-drives have got to hurt. Perhaps when Maven looked bored while listening to Andrea's kvetching last week, he was really spaced out. The Trades Evaluation: "T" for trouble! The dude might have a problem. He doesn't suffer from Tawny's - ahem - burning nostrils, but Vicodin is a strong drug. He is also seen drinking on the show, and drinking and Vicodin don't mix. Flo tells him to look for the truth, but perhaps he should be looking for something else. Side note: What is it with the Surreal Life? Everyone thus far is cruising for rehab or has been in rehab? Is Flo the only clean-liver? Or has she been in rehab, too? Alexis Arquette - "B" for Bravery No kidding. Going out in public in an "in-between state," if you will, is pretty brave. It's one thing to go out in Hollywood or New York, where that kind of look is almost normal, but Alexis was willing to show off in San Luis Obispo. However, Flo thinks Alexis' bravery goes too far given her tendency to brawl. Flo chides Alexis with the words, "That kind of anger has consequences," yet Alexis accepts Flo's words with a smile. The Trades Evaluation: "B" for balls! Well, let's be honest. Alexis is having her gender reassigned, which means that her balls will be gone. (You can watch the full transformation on A&E soon, too.) But she still has huevos grandes. Plus, those transgenders who are going all the way are on a veritable cocktail of hormones, and Alexis is probably fully aware of why her mood swings are so violent. No wonder she jokes that "B" should be for "bitch"! CC DeVille - "T" for Transformation If Flo could give an A-plus, she would have given it to CC, but she has to act as impartially as possible lest she offend a celebrity ego. Flo finds it difficult to contain her cute crush on CC. Basically, Flo just praises CC, and he seems like a swell guy when he's sober, but he did just get out of rehab right before the show. No doubt his drug counselor is sitting somewhere saying, "Let's just give the guy a little time to make sure it sticks!" After all, CC was on camera admitting, "I found myself in my own vomit many times, and sometimes in someone else's vomit." The Trades Evaluation: "T" for television! Why? Because CC DeVille passed his tv-reporting and tv-host tests with flying colors. An article for the New York Post lists several reasons why ex-celebs do these shows, and it sure isn't for the money. In fact, the article notes that CC called the show, hoping for a career boost along the lines of what the Dancing With the Stars cast enjoyed. Hey, if he does the third season of that show and wins, he is set for life. Steve Harwell - "C" for Courage Hey, wait a sec - didn't Flo already give away a "C"? Well, no one accused the Surreal Life of being consistent. Flo praises Steve for his strength, which he has displayed often on this show. Steve calls the other celebrities on their crap when their heads get too big, which is refreshing. He's the guy who says what no one else would dare to say, largely because he's a big guy who can back it up. (Bonus points: He's tough on Tawny.) Flo says he needs to work on managing his grief since he lost a child, but Steve seems to grasp the challenges that he faces. The Trades Evaluation: "C" for cranky. If Flo was the mom of the house, Steve was the Dad. Or, more like the grouchy Grandpa who put people in their place. At one point in the episode, he says of Andrea, "How many times do I have to look at your ass?" And good for him, too. The "cranky" isn't intended as an insult - we always need someone out there to say what the rest of the audience thinking. Andrea Lowell - "A" for Aspire Lest you be confused, that "A" isn't for effort. Flo just made a move inspired by Nathaniel Hawthorne when she brands the Playboy babe with a scarlet letter. Nicely done, Flo. Flo proceeds to get even more literary on the house's most naked resident by informing Andrea that she is trapping herself in a "prison of pornography." Oh, the alliteration! Sure, Flo might be protesting too much, because there's nothing wrong with what Andrea does. The real problem is that Andrea gets naked and drunk at the same time, which leads to episodes like letting strange San Luis Obispo frat guys feel up her "funbags." Flo is telling Andrea to watch out for herself because, let's face it, her body won't stay bouncy forever. The Trades Evaluation: "A" for ass. Couldn't resist. That's what Andrea is all about, but Flo is right - she could be a little more than that. She isn't the brightest bulb, but she sure is more eloquent than Tawny. Yet her defensiveness about what she does suggests that she might be a touch ashamed of it. Tawny Kitaen - "F" for Forgiveness Flo didn't go to breakfast with Tawny and the rest of the house, but if she had, she sure would have had more to say in her final word. Tawny keeps falling asleep at the restaurant table, she babbles incoherently about a dream, and then, apropos of nothing, she puts a napkin, or perhaps a bra, on her head. Flo feels so sorry for Tawny that she goes easy on her, mentioning Tawny's odd statements about her "welfare childhood" and being tied down to her crib. At one point in her interview, Tawny mumbles about her grandparents being in Auschwitz, but comparing being lectured by Flo to what her ancestors went through is offensive and is further proof that she would never be saying such things unless she were blitzed out of her mind. The Trades Evaluation: "F" for … you figure it out. A while ago, Raul at the Trades suggested that it is high time for a reality show to follow a celebrity into rehab (pun intended). [Breaking Bonaduce wasn't originally intended to be about rehab.] Given her fiery sinuses and odd sniffling, Tawny seems to be a prime candidate for this kind of show. She needs serious help, and Flo's final words aren't going to help. Next week: It's the final banquet, and Tawny bares her soul - not to mention everything else. |
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