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by Paul Phillips Published: May 14, 2006
I was wrong. We open on the castaways arriving back at camp after Tribal, stumbling around in the pitch darkness. Cirie sets down her torch, and Terry (who’s right behind her) trips on it. And Terry immediately gets snippy: "Who dropped their thing right in the middle of the way?" Cirie says she did, but she couldn’t see, and she didn’t know Terry was behind her. And Cirie isn’t her usual jolly self (society expects all of us fat folks to be jolly at all times; this is a stereotype perpetuated by Santa Claus. And Bruce Vilanch. But we’ve got a dark side too, people). If Terry’s looking for an argument, Cirie’s ready to give it to him. She has been stuck on an island with white people for too damn long. "Is this where it goes?" Terry asks, talking to Cirie like she’s 5-years-old. No, you condescending S.O.B. Cirie should’ve shoved it up your ass. Don’t ask, don’t tell indeed. Then, to be even more insulting, Terry starts talking to Cirie in some kind of weird jive accent. "You’d be slapping your kids around if they dropped their stuff," he says, as if he’s trying to sound black. Cirie point out that she doesn’t slap her children around and Terry says, "Verbally, then." Yeah, that’s how we WASPs do it. Clearly weariness, fatigue, malaise, and all that bad stuff has set in: Terry has a bug up his ass, and he’s picking a fight about nothing. More masterful strategy from Terry: make everyone dislike you even more. If you want to win a million bucks YOU NEED THESE PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR YOU. You freakin’ putz. There’s no doubt in my mind Terry will make it to the final two. There’s also no doubt in my mind that he will not win. Cirie, Aras and Danielle sit on one side of the fire and Terry sits on the other, trying to justify himself: "It’s just like one of my kids". This is one of Terry’s fatal flaws: he can’t just say "I’m tired, I’ve got a bug up my ass, I’m sorry for snapping at you, Cirie." Because that would mean admitting he’s wrong. I HATE people like that. Cirie says she’s not like one of Terry’s kids, and he blathers on, "That’s why I expected a little bit more. Make an attempt to throw the torch out of the way." How could you put your torch in the wrong spot, Cirie? How could you let me down like this? Cirie fires back, "Make an attempt to talk to people like you want to be talked to." Amen. Had Terry started doing that weeks ago he might have a tiny shot at the prize. Aras jumps to Cirie’s defense. "You yelled at Cirie for putting her stick where she wanted to put it, as a 35-year-old woman." Yes, a 35-year-old woman has earned the spiritual and divine right to put her stick wherever she’d like. Rather than admitting he’s wrong, Terry pouts. "I became the pincushion and they all ganged up on me on how inconsiderate it was for me to tell Cirie not to drop a piece of equipment right in front of me." For God’s sake, you’d think Cirie dropped a tractor on his toe. "If nobody talks to me for the next five days, I could give a sh*t. I’m winning the million and that’s all." Nanny-nanny-poo-poo. At the reward challenge, the playground justice mentality continues. I think the challenge is going to be hard to explain, but I’ll give it a try: There are a series of ropes that lead to different stations. The players have to navigate the ropes—and navigate around each other—while attached to the ropes by something called carabeaners. A carabeaner, apparently, is a real fancy word for a hook. Who knew? At each station they have to count an item (rocks, shells, lizards). Then they’ll use the numbers to open three locks. The reward is a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the Panama Canal aboard a luxury yacht. I’m immediately thinking Terry’s going to win (always a safe bet). Cirie, say hello to Exile Island! But what’s this I see? Are my eyes deceiving me? Cirie is on fire! Another physical challenge where Cirie is actually a contender! I keep forgetting, this is the new off-the-couch, "I’m Every Woman" Cirie. And with all that running, Cirie sure is a-jiggling. For a moment I think I’m watching the UPN’s remake of "Baywatch". Cirie plays defensively, throwing her weight around. As Terry charges down the path, Cirie gets in his way. Says Jeff, "Cirie’s coming down to be a roadblock." Cirie, do me a favor: Just stand in front of Terry and DON’T MOVE. Thanks. Aras and Terry meet up on the course, and Terry shoves Aras out of his way. A rough, "I want to beat the piss out of you" shove. But Aras is peace-loving, enlightened man of yoga: he will not raise his fists. Instead, he head-butts Terry. Seriously. Jeff very accurately observes, "They’re like two battering rams". Now THIS is fun! Hit him, Aras! He said your mom was less of a rock than his tantastic, Felicity Huffman lookalike wife. The Moon Goddess, or whoever you worship, will understand. Deck the old bastard! Sadly, the fisticuffs don’t escalate. But Aras, Danielle and yes, even Cirie are giving Terry a run for his money. All four get to their locks, and open the first one no problem. But when it comes to the second lock, everyone apparently counted wrong, and they head back out to recount. Jeff points out that Cirie and Aras have been gone a long time. Terry fumbles with his lock and, more than a hint of desperation in his voice, he asks Jeff: "Don’t you have to come back after each lock once you’re out there?" This is a little confusing, but it’s significant: Terry’s saying he thought you could only look at one station and then you had to come back. "Aras should’ve been back already," Terry whines. "He’s taking multiple looks!" Multiple looks! Say it isn’t so! Jeff says it’s okay to look at two stations, and Terry cries, "Come on, you didn’t tell us that!" WAAAH! I want a do-over! Off in the distance Aras, in a sing-song, teasing voice yells, "Somebody call an ambulance. Terry’s crying on the course!" "I had to take over your role," Terry sniffs. Good comeback. Baby, baby, stick your head in gravy, wash it out with bubble gum and send it to the Navy. Hey, Terry was in the Navy, wasn’t he? We’ve come full circle. Aras is back at his locks. The music gets louder…could it be? Could someone other than Terry actually win? Aras opens his last lock and wins reward. It only took you till day 34, but you FINALLY beat Terry. Yay Aras! Terry cannot seem to fathom that he didn’t win. It couldn’t be that somebody performed better than him. That’s simply impossible. No, the rules were unclear. Terry confronts Jeff: "Let me get this straight. The first time out we were only allowed one pass. Well, the second time I came back I didn’t have to. I could’ve stayed out there." Terry’s thisclose to hunting down Mark Burnett and demanding they do the challenge again. Jeff looks extremely impatient. DO NOT QUESTION JEFF PROBST’S AUTHORITY. "I’ve got a question, Terry," says Aras. "Every time somebody else wins are you gonna say you got hosed?" Oh, snap. Guess this is when people stop being polite and start getting real. Aras makes a very good point. Terry lost one challenge—deal with it. But Terry just keeps being an immature jerk: "That’s the only first time I lost so there you go". Whip ‘em out, boys. Jeff, get a ruler. Aras continues, "You have no respect for anyone else out here. What are you gonna do? Say something bad about women?" That sort of came from left field, but what the hey. Yeah! Sexist pig! We hate you Terry! Interesting aside: I have never been a big Aras fan. But Terry being so incredibly obnoxious is making me root for Aras more and more. In fact, I bet Aras is a very gentle, sensitive and limber yoga instructor. If he was teaching a class in my town I would totally sign up. Aras chooses Cirie to share his reward, sending Danielle and Terry to Exile Island. On the yacht, Aras and Cirie basically get drunk and bust on Terry. Aras tells the camera, "What I try to practice is love and compassion. But I haven’t practiced love and compassion with Terry recently. It’s been ego. It’s been all my ego." Exhale out all the negative energy, Aras. Open your heart and forgive yourself. Also of note: Aras has a very handsome new blue shirt. Maybe the captain gave it to him. Over at Exile Island, Danielle realizes it’s time to make a move. Danielle may be dull, but she’s not dumb. She realized a while ago that she’s the odd man out in her alliance, and she’s been trying to do something about it. She decides to align with Terry. Their plan is this: Terry will win immunity as usual. He’ll give Danielle his hidden immunity idol (tonight’s the last night it can be played) which will guarantee Aras’ departure. This is actually a pretty good strategy, but I’m hoping anyone other than Terry gets immunity. Of her new alliance Danielle says she doesn’t want to be friends with Terry. She’s just using him to get further in the game. "I’m hee-ah to win a millyin dah-lahs," she comments. Think of all the elocution lessons she could buy. Terry whips out the hidden idol and again boasts how it only took him 20 minutes to find it. Still devastated by his loss, Terry’s compelled to remind himself and everyone else that HE IS A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH. Danielle says a few weeks ago Terry "showed me a little glimpse of it. But this time around I held it in my hand." And pulled it back and forth for a while. Master strategist Terry wheels and deals with Danielle, making a pact to go to the finals. But not like their last pact to go to the finals, which Danielle promptly backed out of. For real this time. Over at the reward we’re treated to a history lesson on the Panama Canal and zzzzzz. Sorry. Dozed off. Cirie and Aras talk about what a close bond they’ve formed, and I’m reminded of Danielle (funny black lady) and Jason (sweet, young white virgin) from Big Brother, who forged a bond that took them almost to the end. Fun Fact: Jason now does casting for reality shows. I met him at a "Biggest Loser" casting call. He seemed really nice. But then the bastard didn’t pick me. What, I wasn’t fat enough!? I asked if he and Danielle are still friends, and they are. I wanted to ask if he was still a virgin…but I thought that’d be inappropriate. Cirie better hope this bond with Aras is real. The last immunity challenge is always endurance. Thus, Cirie’s only chance of making it to the finals is if Aras takes her. Cirie and Aras return to camp and Aras starts farting. He ate too much at the reward. Good news, Cirie: you’ve got nothing to worry about. Aras will be loyal to the end. How do I know? If you’re comfortable enough with someone to fart in front of them…well, that’s friendship, people. You all know it’s true. Cirie calls Aras’ scent "toxic" and walks a safe distance away as Aras lets another loud, squeaky one rip. That one left a skidmark. Aras falls asleep and Cirie decides to try, for the very first time, to start a fire. "I don’t think it’s strange that I haven’t started a fire by myself because there’s always people around, jumping at the bit to start the fire. So why stop ‘em?" I’m guessing this sums up Cirie’s life outside the game too: if someone else wants to take out the garbage…or change the kids…or check on her patients at the hospital…why stop ‘em? But this is the new "I’m Every Woman" Cirie, and wouldn’t you know? She starts that fire all by herself. Aras is impressed, saying Cirie has "come full circle". I wouldn’t go that far. Immunity challenge: Jeff greets the castaways with a snotty/annoyed/bored/I-have-no-interest-in-being-here "Hello". What’s his problem? Basically, they have to dig up a bag of puzzle pieces, put the puzzle together, and in the puzzle they’ll see coordinates where they can dig up their next bag of puzzle pieces. Whoever puts their third puzzle together first wins immunity. Sounds confusing, right? Danielle thinks so too. "Make sense?" Jeff asks, and the look on Danielle’s face says "Uh…not really." Okay. It’s a half-mental challenge. That means someone other than Terry has a chance. Go, Cirie! Today fire, tomorrow immunity! Aras takes an early lead, which worries me. Whoever takes an early lead seems to often screw up. Cirie quickly falls out of it, disappointing me. Come on, Cirie—you can’t solve a puzzle!? Aras keeps a healthy lead throughout, but Terry closes in at the end. Terry and Aras are both working on the last puzzle. Come on, Aras. Don’t let that old blowhard win again. I’ll sign up for yoga. I’ll practice love and compassion and all that crap. Just don’t let Terry win again! The boys are neck and neck…but Aras wins! Two losses in a row for Terry! Back at camp, Terry confronts Aras: "The comments you made yesterday after the thing, um, were undefendable by me out in front of everybody like that." Huh? Undefendable? "They were false, uncalled for, and really slanderous". Lawsuit! "What I need from you is either an apology, and then we can talk about where you’re coming from and where I’m coming from, or we don’t have a relationship for the next three days." Terry’s not upset about Aras calling him a big fat sore loser; he’s upset because Aras called him a sexist jerk. "I don’t treat flight attendants like that". I don’t even call them stewardesses anymore. That’s how evolved I am! Mothers always tell their daughters, look for a man who’s good to flight attendants. Then you know he’ll be good to you. "I haven’t done anything that I wouldn’t tell my wife, my friends, my family, my priest." Don’t bring God into this, Terry. I hope He has better things to do than watch reality tv. Aras replies, "I apologize. I crossed a line I don’t want to cross." Now, I would’ve said the same thing, just to placate Terry. But I wouldn’t have meant it. Aras means it: "As a human being I treated you unfairly and I take full responsibility for that." Treating people with love and compassion sure is LAME. Aras tells the camera, "Going through this experience is something that really brings you closer together, regardless of how you feel about someone’s personality. And hopefully Terry and I, through our conflict, have helped each other grow." Oh, I hope so. ‘Cause that would be so beautiful. Everyone pretty much figures the vote will be 2-2: Terry and Danielle voting for Cirie, and Cirie and Aras voting for Danielle. Remembering last season, the players guess that the tiebreaker will be a fire-starting challenge. Good thing Cirie just happened to decide to learn how to make a fire. Hmm. Maybe God does watch reality tv. But just "Survivor", and maybe "American Idol". You know He stopped watching "The Bachelor" years ago. Aras’ advice to Cirie is, "Have fun when you do it. Don’t worry about the result. Just enjoy yourself." Yeah, it’s only a million dollars at stake. Danielle is pretty confident she can beat Cirie at making fire, but just to be sure, she tries to get Terry to give her the hidden idol. She reasons, Aras/Cirie won’t vote for Terry because they think he has it. Then Danielle will be safe too, and they’ll definitely get Cirie out. I can tell you right now, Danielle, there’s no way Terry’s parting with immunity. Tribal Council. The jury enters, with latest member Shane. He still has the beard, he’s not wearing a shirt—guess he was too busy eating chocolate ice cream bars to take a shower and get dressed. Jeff asks Cirie how this experience has changed her. "I’ve lived my life underestimating myself. I’ve been on the couch for 35 years". That’s what I’ve been saying about Cirie for weeks! When Danielle blabs about how the game has changed her, Shane smiles mockingly, and Courtney sticks her tongue out at her. Bitter Jury. Sunday night is gonna be fun. Jeff tallies the votes. 2 for Danielle, 2 for Cirie. The tiebreaker? The castaways were right—it’s a fire-starting challenge. As Cirie and Danielle take their places, my heart is beating fast. Come on, Cirie! You can do it! As the challenge is about to begin we see: TO BE CONTINUED. Oh no Mark Burnett didn’t! Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think a "Survivor" episode has ever ended with a TO BE CONTINUED. What a tune-in! In the scenes, it looks like Cirie’s got a bigger flame. But is Mark Burnett just faking us out? Will my girl Cirie win the challenge? Who’ll make it to the finals? And who will win? I can’t wait till Sunday night! |
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