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by Caroline Roberts Published: May 16, 2006
Who else? It's the last episode of The Surreal Life, and, since the rest of cast behaved reasonably well, the responsibility for celeb bad behavior rests entirely on her shoulders. Don't worry - the former video vixen doesn't let us down in the finale. At the beginning of the episode, Tawny talks to Phil, her mysterious fiancé, who tells her personal assistant is somehow "gone." The shadowy Phil fired the assistant for an unknown reason, and Tawny acts like her assistant died. Tawny is so distraught that she lets her breast fall out of her dress, and VH1 needs to blur it out. She collapses on her bed and burbles to Andrea, "I had the most amazing assistant.… burble … burble … I'm all upset." There's been no mention of a fiancé or an assistant thus far on the show, so we're just coping with the fact that Tawny Kitaen even has an assistant! Geez - the things people will do to get ahead in Hollywood! The news of her personal assistant's departure puts Tawny out of sorts for the final meal. During the meal, everyone is feeling playful, and they're looking good. (Well, Alexis' hair resembles blonde shrubbery, but she gets bonus points for effort.) CC has his Diet Mountain Dew, and he's scrapping with Steve. All is well. And then … Tawny announces that she is expecting a "very sad phone call." In her peanut gallery interview, Alexis says, "I was confused." Honey, that makes you and the audience both. Since the cast members must each answer a personal question during the meal, a few surprises spring up. For example, the producers ask Maven if he's ever had a homosexual experience, and he declares that he "Nairs himself," but he doesn't answer the question. Alexis reassures him, "It's not an insult, anyway!" Hey, either team would be lucky to have him. The producers also try to weave in an Andrea subplot, in which she delivers an ultra-fake apology for offending Florence. Steve also calls Andrea a "know-it-all" to her face, and she gets agitated. But it doesn't matter. The camera is drawn to Tawny like a moth to a flame. She blanks out, she stares into space, and she seems cut off from the rest of the cast members as if she were behind a wall of glass. When it's time to answer her question, she struggles through it. We at the Trades tried to recreate her pauses and dare you to read the following lines out loud: I have to say that I'm, um, just a little, hang on, let me pick my word. Um, I am, uh, very tired of asking this question. I - I - I can't. The question was ask each cast member how they really see you. Go around the table. I spent a lifetime caring more about what you and you and you thought about me than what I thought about myself. … It was very damaging to myself … and as much as I really value your friendship, it doesn't really matter to me at this point what any of you think about me.… I spent a lot of time medicating that person. It's a great tongue-twisting game, eh? Bless Maven's heart, he tries to help Tawny out by saying, "I think we can go around and say something positive!" Andrea immediately gives him the "shush-shush" hand that people use when they don't want to rile up the crazy person in the room. After the cast makes all lovey-dovey and Flo reflects on her experience (accompanied by a glossy black-and-white highlight reel), Tawny disappears to wallow around on the kitchen counter. Tawny Takes It Off The producers can't let this opportunity pass them by, so they give her a cell phone - highly unusual since the Surreal Life house relies on cords and a rotary dial - and she calls Phil. Phil maximizes the drama by telling her, "I'm just kicking it with your manager." Now, Phil the Fiancee can't possibly be the brightest bulb. What was he thinking telling the woman who beat the crap out of a major-league baseball player that he was - ahem - "kicking it" with her manager? It isn't clear that Phil the Fiancee is sleeping with Tawny's manager, but she chews him out anyway, bellowing, "Are you kidding? You better watch what you freakin' say to me, pal! Because I've had about enough about you going out with another woman that if I did anything remotely close to that, it would be over!" She assumes that he fired the assistant because the assistant found out. Then, as an act of revenge, Tawny goes downstairs and flashes everyone. Alexis asks, "Where's Flo when you need her?" Maven wisely moves his drink away from her, probably because he knows that she is going to knock it over. (That doesn't make him gay - Tawny sends off the kind of warning signals that would make any straight man run.) She tries to whisper all sexy-like, and then she announces, "I am sick of men!" After casting off her robe, she runs for the pool, yelling, "Thank God I'm the one with the money!" (Well, kudos to her for stretching out her Bachelor Party money to the limit. Maybe that manager is worth the hassle.) Tawny proceeds to cuddle with Alexis and Andrea in the pool … and then the fun really starts… Off the Hook Tawny's manager, who may or may not be banging Tawny's finacee, calls the house to try to defend herself. Steve happens to be by the phone at the time, and he winds up in the role of errand boy. The phone isn't wireless, so all messages between Tawny and her manager must go through Steve, and he thoroughly enjoys stirring up a little trouble as he shuffles back and forth from the pool to the phone area. The end result is one of the funniest Surreal Life moments since Mini-Me tinkled in the corner. Steve turns on his grumpy dad persona as he tries to deal with Tawny's profanity-loving manager. The manager screams, "Well, get her out of the pool!" When Steve tells the manager that Tawny is naked, the manager loses it: "She's NAKED IN THE POOL??? YOU KNOW WHAT??? IF SHE'S NAKED IN THE POOL, THEN SHE NEEDS TO FIND ANOTHER MANAGER! THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL." Steve doesn't miss a beat: "Don't yell at me, sweetheart." Steve shuffles back and forth, and the phone keeps a-ringin. This time, it's Phil, who also has a penchant for the F-bomb. Steve keeps trying to get Tawny to the phone, but she won't leave the pool. At this point, we at the Trades are a little bit surprised that Sherman didn't finally lose it, open his door, releasing plumes of happy grass smoke, and scream, "You fools stop making such a racket!" That man must sleep soundly at night. After the telephone game, Steve goes all summer camp and starts gossiping with CC about Tawny's sex life. He's the type of person who claims he can't stand Tawny, but he is endlessly entertained by her antics. The Morning After the Night Before Whatever Tawny took before she got in the pool, it sticks with her when the cast prepares to leave the house. The castmembers meet up at the sofas, and CC asks Tawny how she feels. She responds by thumping on her chest and making "bump, bump" noises. She then looks at Steve and asks, "Do you want to try it?" Steve responds, "No." (The editing of this scene is also interesting because Sherman is on the sofa one minute and gone the next - perhaps Tawny got to be too much for him.) In her peanut gallery interview, Tawny tries to explain her actions and fails miserably, uttering the immortal line: You couldn't bring an elephant in here in a pink tutu that's going to make me take away anything from here. What on earth does that mean? The cast members start to leave one by one. Sherman is the first to go, and his departure is surprisingly emotional. He starts crying, and his split from CC is downright touching. The remaining cast hangs out in the back to make fun of Tawny. Steve makes cuckoo noises, and Alexis says, " Tawny, your car's taking you to Bellevue! You're not going to pass go; you're not going to collect two hundred dollars." The editors then piece together shots of Tawny spacing out in her closet, chanting, "head rush … head rush" and collapsing on the floor. It's amazing that she managed to get her butt up off the floor. Luckily, Tawny isn't the last to leave because she needs Alexis, CC, and Steve to help her get to her car. CC and Steve are the last to leave, and they act out a nifty routine in which Steve gives CC a ride home. In an ideal universe, those two would get their own show, horsing around, making jokes, and drinking their Diet Mountain Dew. (Harwell's been trying to get his own show, but he doesn't have it yet.) But, in this universe, Tawny Kitaen is probably sitting down somewhere with producers plotting her next reality-TV gig. |
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