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by Caroline Roberts Published: May 29, 2006
Speaking of industries, Adrianne and Chris have one of their own. On their official website, they are selling a wine brand and a line of beauty products. The site leaves me with the distinct feeling that I'm being punked - Chris & Adrianne wine??? Is it Boone's Farm in a different package? I'm daring myself to try it. But the pages appear to be designed by a professional marketing agency, and they've got a shopping section where you can buy an odd assortment of goods, including a Christopher Knight Brady Boys photo (twenty smackers), an autographed copy of Adrianne's Playboy cover (forty smackers - they know where the real money is!), and random hair care products. One product is named - ahem - "Knight stiff," which is a hair gel as opposed to what you people are thinking. These guys deserve credit for being marketing pros. They are getting the money while the getting is good! It's so easy to root for these two. They aren't sad and disturbing, like Tawny Kitaen and the monkey on her back. They don't leave viewers pondering the ethical limits of reality television, like Danny Bonaduce. They don't even enter Springer territory like Flavor of Love does. Chris and Adrianne behave like a viewer's old high-school friends, the ones who refuse to grow up. They still get a kick out of farting in public, and either one of them would be the first to do a keg stand at a party. That said, the dynamic duo is embarking on a mature path with this marriage plotline. Let's see how Adrianne and Chris are handling it. If It Isn't Indigestion, It's Indecision Just like last season, Adrianne is still searching for Chris' complete and total commitment. One would think it would be the other way around since Chris is much older and sporting a salt-and-pepper 'do. But VH1 plays on Adrianne's commitment anxieties with a computer-simulated credit roll showing Adrianne and Chris struggling their way to the top of a wedding cake. You'd think she wouldn't be happy unless she has her Brady surgically attached. Even though Chris finally popped the question, he thinks the relationship is moving too quickly. He tells the camera, "As much as I'm reluctant to admit it, we're looking to set a date. I had imagined the engagement would last longer." He thought that a ring would, for lack of a better phrase, shut her up, but Chris realized he was on the fast track when "I found wedding books under the bed." Models are known for their many disorders. Some do drugs. Some don't eat. Some beat up their personal assistants. But Adrianne has discovered a new model disorder - Bride Fever! Next thing you know, she'll lock herself up in the toilet for hours on end, devouring copies of Modern Bride. Then again, what did Chris expect? Most celebrity events have to take place according to a network's timetable. The Joliet Chamber of Commerce Is Smiling Bless its heart, Joliet, Illinois, is most famous for its prisons, thanks to the Blues Brothers. One wonders if Chris hasn't thought of this since he equates marriage with a ball and chain. But Adrianne is out to rehabilitate her hometown's reputation by holding the wedding in Joliet. If VH1 is paying for the wedding, then that's a smart call since VH1 is saving money on the venue. Adrianne and Chris fly out to spend time with her mom and dad and to scout out wedding locations. (You know you want to make a prison joke, don't you?) Chris' last visit was awkward, as Chris offended Adrianne's mother and didn't exactly bond with the Joliet locals. Rick, Adrianne's beefy biker dad, also posed an obstacle, but Chris admits, "Of all people, I have felt the least concern with Rick." Unfortunately, while the prospective son-in-law is happy, Adrianne loses it when Chris notices an engagement ring on Rick's girlfriend's hand, which leads to the revelation that Adrianne's father is getting remarried. Apparently his divorce from Adrianne's mother was downright nasty, and Adrianne is reeling. She's been on her best behavior, and then she starts cursing up a storm, and VH1 needs to sit on the bleep button. Actually, this gets into one of the touchier wedding etiquette problems - how does one handle divorced parents at a wedding? For a second time in an episode, My Fair Brady is performing a service to its viewers. Rick promises not to goad Adrianne's mom during the wedding, but Adrianne looks upset and smokes in a slow, menacing fashion. She even says to her dad, "You son of a bitch!" Adrianne sure hasn't been reading Emily Post. As always, Chris puts on his Freud Hat and declares, "Adrianne's got unresolved issues with her dad." Clearly. If she didn't, their romance and My Fair Brady probably wouldn't exist. Back home, Adrianne is very, very careful about revealing the news to her mother, who uttered last season's infamous line, "I could knock any man's dick in the dirt!" Needless to say, she doesn't take the news very well and says that Rick is "disrespecting" her. Then, as if to make a point of what scuzz her ex-husband is, Adrianne's mom starts heaping praise on Chris, talking about what a gentleman he is. Keep in mind that, during their first meeting last season, Chris made that very same woman cry by saying, "I will marry your daughter when her communication skills catch up with her sexual maturity." By calling Chris a gentleman, did she just say, "Compared to my lying, sack-of-horse-poop ex-husband, Chris Knight is an angel!" The Goth Guide to Joliet When most people plan the Big Day, their personality traits shine through - and Adrianne's flair for drama shines through. Chris and Adrianne's family check out the Rialto, a truly spiffy theater dating back from 1926. This part gets a little boring because it's more like a wedding tutorial than the My Fair Brady we know so well. But the happy times can't last. Chris gets fidgety about the date. He never once says, "No, I don't want to get married anymore," but Adrianne thinks he just isn't excited enough. (What does she expect? Cartwheels?) Then they check out what appears to be a Gothicky church - only the man who bought the property is about to turn said church into a concert hall. One can imagine all the sweaty Depeche Mode fans gyrating on the floor. Chris absolutely loves this idea: "It's a church that's gonna become a bar - it's perfect Adrianne!" But Adrianne already buying into Bridezilla Drama, and she wails, "I don't want you running away on the last day because I'll die!" Alas, Adrianne never turns into a genuine Bridezilla who terrorizes the groom and everyone else around her, so the first show never gets cooking. Adrianne and Chris get nervous, and Adrianne's dad has his little Engagement Surprise, but the show doesn't have the freewheeling debauchery of last season. Where are the burps? Where are the references to spanking? And where is the World's Ugliest Shirt???? How are we going to have the My Fair Brady Drinking Game without the world's ugliest shirt? Is our favorite television couple growing up? At least the preview of the season promises something better than an episode of Semi-Celeb Weddings. The clips reveal gratuitous Barry Williams (was Florence Henderson busy?), Adrianne flashing, a Chris Bridezilla moment, couples therapy, Chris' mysterious family and … vasectomies. (Or, as Adrianne pronounces it, a "vice-ectomy.") Hoo boy - come back Chris and Adrianne of old, come back! |
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