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by Caroline Roberts Published: June 5, 2006
This week, Chris Knight and Adrienne Curry were married in the bustling metropolis/prison complex that is Joliet, Illinois. Their real-life wedding effectively deflated any possible dramatic tension that could be generated by the simple question: Will they or won't they? Well, they did. That leaves us with a full season of episodes in which we already know the answer. On the bright side, that makes the Knight-Curry Corporation one of the happier celebreality tales. Now VH1 can post a disclaimer after the show that says, "No celebrities were harmed during the making of this program." The wedding announcement suggests that everyone on My Fair Brady winds up healthy, happy, and whole.* Or is that true? On this week's episode, Chris ponders a serious adjustment to his peter. (pun intended) Yes, Chris wants a vasectomy, and, since there's no sign of Florence Henderson, it's up to Barry "Greg Brady" Williams and Adrianne Curry to talk some sense into him. But Can She Make Brunch? Adrianne starts the show in full-on ditzy Playmate mode. She shows off a black tank-and-panty set that has "Wife #3" in script on the front. While wearing her underthings, she attempts to cook a romantic breakfast in bed for herself and Chris. This might be a good idea if only Adrianne could cook. Chris sits in bed like a pasha, laughing as Adrianne breaks his stuff and spills a plate full of breakfast on the floor. She then stumbles on the stairs, breaks even more glasses, and curses up a storm. But, hey, Adrianne Curry shouldn't have to cook. It's not as if she is a housewife in training. It's amusing that the show is testing her skills as a wife when Chris is a grown man who appears to be perfectly capable of preparing his own darned breakfast. (He could also wear Speedos with "Hubby #1" stitched across the rear end, but this show is decades behind when it comes to women's lib. For example, when Adrianne brings Chris his breakfast, he whines that it is cold. Hey, macho man, the skillet is upstairs! Use it!) Brunch With a Brady In a clumsy transition indicating that either a) Adrianne's breakfast tasted like cardboard, b) Chris can eat double his body weight or c) VH1 needs a new continuity editor, Chris goes out for another breakfast with Barry Williams, the Greg Brady to his Peter. Barry arrives playing - what else? - the wiser, older brother. Barry takes the Sherman Hemsley route and doesn't say much so he doesn't come off looking like a total ass on camera. He was burned by his round with Danny Bonaduce on Celebrity Boxing, so we at the Trades don't blame him. But Barry can't stay quiet for long when Chris proudly announces that he has plans to get a vasectomy because "having a child at the wrong time would destroy us." Barry is so terrified at the thought that he can barely say the word "vasectomy." He asks, "Have you broached the v-word, the clipped word, the vasectomy word?" Chris just sits back like he knows everything in the world and declares, "I want a planned family." So, he wants to get - ahem - "clipped" and then get it reversed when the time is right? Has he not heard of a little thing called the pill? Or a condom? Or, if you really want to get technical, an IUD? And if he proposed this side plot for the show, isn't the thought of a vasectomy extreme? A vasectomy means, "OK, I'm done. I'm retiring the sperm." This decision indicates that Chris's mind froze at the end of the Brady Era, and he simply isn't aware of recent innovations in birth control. Then again, he already has a family if Adrianne is young enough to be his daughter and he treats her like a kid. When Your Fiancee Would Rather Be Your Dad After brunch with Barry, Chris immediately provides evidence that he wants to be daddy when he dons his old-man glasses and gives her special gum to help her quit smoking. Only he's the World's Creepiest Dad when he giggles, "You'll like it. It's oral." Someone call the authorities! At least Adrianne is starting to catch on that this "dad" thing isn't exactly kosher: "Since we've gotten engaged, I feel like he's trying to mold me a bit more … into what he wants." Is she just now figuring this out? Then again, weaning Adrianne off smoking might backfire on Chris because it has made her sharper. Not only has she caught on to his daddy fixation, but she seems to have picked up some rudimentary economic smarts that she did not display during last season's car-buying episode. Adrianne's sour mom and good-humored grandma tag along while Adrianne tries on wedding dresses, which gives the audience a chance to see Adrianne do what she's good at - modeling. As she models, VH1 displays the exorbitant price of each dress. Adrianne goes for what she considers to be a cheap dress - $3000. She shows a faint trace of solid Midwestern common sense by opting not to buy a dress that costs as much as a new car. She proudly declares, "That's a good chunk to spend on a dress, and it's ridiculous to go any further…. I'd rather spend money on booze and food than on a stupid dress that you use once." Applause! Big steps there! When given a choice, most people would choose booze over haute couture anytime. Vice-ectomy: n. tying of the vas deferens bradyens The next few scenes reveal that the tables may be turning in the relationship, and Adrianne may emerge as the brighter bulb of the two. After praising his daughter - oops, fiancée - for her spending decisions, and he drops the bomb regarding what Adrianne calls a "vice-ectomy." And then she really goes to town: "You're going to do this on national television? You're going to put this on national television??? F*&k you!" I think any reasonable person would have that response if their beloved said, "I'd like to have a vasectomy on national television. Is that all right with you?" It also dawns on Adrianne that Chris might not want kids. It's amusing to watch the bulb go off above her head as she confides, "It was hitting me that if he chose this, I would probably never have the kids." Well, according to the birds and the bees, that sounds about right. If the little sperm don't travel through Chris' peter, then there will be no little Bradys. Adrianne also mixes a vasectomy up with outright castration, creating the magical phrase "vice-ectomy." She is worried that Chris is going to remove his Peter Brady, and she begs him, "Let me take my birth control and leave your little guy alone. Don't put anything next to it that's gonna chop it." She even creates a little song about "cutting off Chris's balls," which leads to a spanking session. VH1 has needed to jazz up the new season with Adrianne and Chris' spanky-spanky, but now is not the time. One does not leap from castration anxiety to spanking. Since when was castration and telling a guy that "his pee-pee doesn't work" sexy? Oh, and Chris' tee-shirt, which advertises a tattoo-removal company isn't all that hot either. Turn Your Head and Cough Chris somehow talks Adrianne into joining him on what he calls a "fact-finding mission" about the vasectomy process. Even Donald Rumsfeld would take offense at that use of his words. Enter an extraordinarily patient urologist who explains the vasectomy process as if he had two five-year-olds in his office. He explains the tube-clipping process, reassuring Adrianne that Chris' huevos will go untouched. However, the urologist says he "doesn't recommend" a vasectomy as a temporary birth control method. Adrianne is tickled pink that she was right, but now that she is armed with a little knowledge, she proceeds to beat Chris to death with it, and she instigates a car argument. If you've ever been in a relationship, no fight is worse than the dreaded car argument. For some reason, the small space encourages irritation and blows everything out of proportion. During the car argument, Chris accuses Adrianne of trying to trap him, telling her, "[Pregnancy] is totally in your hands and in your control." Ay, Papi! Looks like a Brady needs some Birds and Bees 101. Has this man ever heard of a condom? You don't put those things on your head, pal - If it scares you that much, then put in a little extra effort and go to the drugstore. Then Chris gets weird and starts calling Adrianne "damaged." A guy who thinks a vasectomy is a "temporary family planning procedure" should talk. Adrianne winds up crying and runs upstairs for consolation with her mother and grandmother, which will probably lead to another satisfying fracas between Chris and Adrianne's embittered, man-hating momma. Next week: We discover that Chris has real family members besides his Brady castmates! And he doesn't seem to like them much. Plus, Adrianne must convince him not to wear high heels to the wedding so he can make up the height differential. *Unless the wedding announcement is designed to trick people like me. |
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