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by Caroline Roberts Published: June 13, 2006
After their trip to the urologist, Chris and Adrianne need a drink. While Adrianne mopes, Chris pours himself a glass of red wine. Adrianne's grandma sits off to the side, looking mildly dyspeptic. The entire season, Grandma has laid low, occasionally emitting a noncommittal grunt toward her Playmate granddaughter. Unbeknownst to the viewers, Grandma has a few good lines in her. As she watches Adrianne and Chris bicker, Grandma rears back and declares, "You guys make me feel like I'm drinkin'!" Attention, readers: Grandma has just unearthed the secret of reality television. It's the next best thing to imbibing a mind-altering substance because, half the time, the audience can't believe what it's seeing. Of course, give a Brady an audience, and that Brady will perform. Chris takes it to the limit and gives Grandma all the gory details of the "vice-ectomy" exam: "When he made me whip down my pants, balls-ass naked, with his hands all over my scrotum ..." Wow - now that is putting the "Peter" back in "Peter Brady"! Who in heck says the word "scrotum" in front of a grandma, even if the? It's hard to write that word even now for you, dear readers. Ah, such vulgarity makes this season feel like the My Fair Brady of yore. Does Someone Need a Spanking? Adrianne shares another one of Grandma's pearls of wisdom: "It takes a strong woman to put up with a stupid man." Well, Chris proves that Adrianne is going to need the strength of a bodybuilder when Adrianne's mom and Grandma meet up with Chris' dad for supper. Ed Knight looks like a retired game-show host. He's a sexy-Grandpa type, and it would have been great if he started hitting on Adrianne's Grandma. But the family supper is anything but a laugh riot when it emerges that not everyone in Chris' family approves of the wedding. Who can blame them? Some people might find it a little embarrassing if a close family member were talking about his scrotum on national television. Papa Ed doesn't appear to have a problem with either Chris or Adrianne, but Chris' sister isn't thrilled with Adrianne's Playboy cover. Chris uses a bit of shrink-speak to convey his sister's feelings: "My sister is very challenged by the whole Playboy cover thing." We didn't expect the Playboy cover to emerge as a problem because Chris and Adrianne are selling autographed copies of it on their website. The whole uptight-sister subplot seems to be a bit of a stretch, as she never shows up in the episode, but she looms somewhere in the background, prompting fights between Adrianne and Chris. But is the problem with Chris's sister or with Chris himself? In the middle of the family meal, Chris declares, "My friends have always been more important to me than family." Clearly, Chris needs to buy an internal filter so he can stop saying the first thing that comes to mind. VH1 caps off the embarrassing flub with a heavily edited sequence of Chris and his dad staring each other down while Grandma (get her a show, okay?) cuts the tension by asking Chris, "Can we be your friends?" At least Chris' dad is pretty sharp, and he gives Adrianne helpful advice: "When you get as old as your husband-to-be and me, you just begin to accept a lot of things because the more you accept them, the less anger there is." Looks like Adrianne and Chris should be listening a little more to the elders in their lives. Getting in Touch With the Inner Peter Brady It's not as disgusting as it sounds. But, after an unpleasant meal with his dad, Chris regresses to BradyWorld, in which all problems are solved in under 30 minutes. He bandages his relationship issues by telling Adrianne, "Subconsciously, I wanna have kids." So, does that mean that subconsciously Chris wanted a urologist to feel him up for a "vice-ectomy"? Really, after all the trouble over the "vice-ectomy," he decides he wants kids now? The line impresses Adrianne, but we all know that's not going to last long. BradyWorld envelops Chris even more when he and Adrianne go tuxedo shopping, an errand he treats with the same seriousness a high-school freshman would treat his first homecoming dance. Chris is especially concerned about his short stature. (Is that the reason for the past episode's fixation on his manliness?) Since Adrianne insists on wearing heels, Chris wants to "make up the height differential" with lifts. At least Adrianne has the sense to make fun of him: "You're gonna get him any higher than that because then you're David Bowie - you're short, get over it!" The subliminal message - you're a Brady who is on a reality show, so don't make it any worse than it already is. After Chris drops nearly three thousand smackers on a tux, he and Adrianne go out for what starts off as a relaxing meal at a divey joint. (You'd think the only thing these people are capable of doing is shopping and eating.) Alas, Adrianne can't let well enough alone, and she feels like a fight. The mysterious sister comes up again, and Adrianne is angry that Chris hasn't introduced them. But the sister clearly doesn't want to be near Adrianne because she was naked in a magazine. The argument escalates, but it becomes difficult to remember the subjects they cover because they start arguing with their mouths full. Adrianne chews aggressively, and Chris tries to communicate with hand gestures so the fight doesn't get in the way of his main course. People, just take the mozzarella sticks out of your mouth before you yell! Eventually, it seems that Adrianne attacks Chris just when his cheeks are absolutely bulging with food. Chris feels that, by attacking his sister's choices, she's attacking him. Adrianne herself forgets what they are fighting about because, during the meal, Adrianne refused to write the sister a letter, but back home, she goes all Waffle House and says that she will write the letter. Meanwhile, Chris demonstrates his ability to fight and floss at the same time. Adrianne is furious that someone would judge her for her Playboy cover and wails, "It's 2006, not 1812!" She then calls Chris a coward, which really drives him wild. Monster in the Closet Of the argument, Chris says, "It all fit under the heading of 'childish.' " VH1 tops itself in the editing department by layering that line over Chris hiding from Adrianne in his own closet. When Adrianne tries to draw him out, all the audience can hear is Chris' angry troll voice: "This argument is STUPID! I'm so worked up!" The last time Chris said something like that, Robert Reed was on hand to comfort him. Next week: Adrianne and Chris visit a marriage counselor with the scariest hair color in the world, and Chris gets his Bonaduce on. |
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