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by Caroline Roberts Published: June 19, 2006
Throughout this season of My Fair Brady, the tables have been a-turnin'. Chris used to be the more responsible one who kept Adrianne from racking up "destruction of private property" convictions. He occasionally made sense when he spoke. However, as she seems to grow up a little, he travels back to BradyLand. On the last episode, he ran away from his fiancée and slept in the closet. Based on that kind of behavior, one would think that his voice would start cracking in this episode, when the dynamic duo spend some time at a couples' retreat. After a nasty fight over his estranged sister, Chris says the magic words: "I need a little more space." To get his masculinity on, he dresses in a lumberjack flannel and a ballcap, and he heads to the gym. The only other accessory he needs to look like a dude is a slab of raw meat. Clearly, he seems to be worried that his fiancée is tougher than he is. Frankly, in a bar brawl, she would kick the most butt. To liven things up a bit while Chris sulks, VH1 needs a cameo, so they call up Chyna Doll to take Adrianne out to lunch. Chyna Doll, whose man problems were the stuff of Surreal Life legend, is hardly the person to give anyone love advice. But she's fun. She's far bolder than Chris' Brady buddies, Barry Williams and Florence Henderson. When VH1 combines Adrianne and Chyna Doll, the result is pure id. The most entertaining moment in their lunch arrives when Chyna and Adrianne discuss Adrianne's engagement ring. Chyna thinks that Adrianne's ring should have been bigger. As far as rings go, any bigger, and Adrianne would have to carry that thing in a wheelbarrow, but Chyna is a big gal who needs a big ring for proportion's sake. Adrianne doesn’t care what the ring looks like. She thinks the message is important. By the way, the message of a wedding ring isn't anything as boring as "I love you." It's actually, "Shut up. Don't move out. I still wanna get laid." Yep. A man giving you a ring to shut you up and your being cool with that is the beginning of a perfect marriage! Then again, that strategy can't possibly work because Adrianne argues with her mouth full. Shrink-Wrapped Forget Chyna, though. The real fur flies when Reverend Jim invites Chris and Adrianne to a "marriage retreat." Now, the retreat is in San Luis Obispo, where the Surreal Life sent last season's cast to produce a nightly news program. Has VH1 developed a sweetheart deal with the whole town? When they reach the lavish resort, Chris picks up the brochure and notes that the place has a "lay-brinth." What's a "lay-brinth"? Is it a rule that these two must butcher at least one word per episode? Adrianne corrects him with "labyrinth." Even Adrianne says, "There is a wrong way to say it!" Please, please, let Chris be pretending to have a Jessica Simpson or Tawny Kitaen moment. Please let him be doing it solely for the cameras. The "lay-brinth" totally beats the "vice-ectomy." These two would have sat around all day in the hot tub, mispronouncing words, but they have to meet with Dr. Pamela Pine and her hair. Dr. Pam's hair is a triumph, a chemical experiment resulting in a shade not previously seen outside a lab in Los Alamos. Her hair is the kind of red that would make Danny Bonaduce jealous. Dr. Pam meets with Chris and Adrianne, along with two other couples. Chris and Adrianne stick out like sore thumbs because Walt and Dionne and Scott and Tracy look like ordinary average couples with ordinary average problems. Walt looks like he'd rather be napping in a hammock in the backyard while Dionne is hyper. Scott and Tracy don't agree on "going out," which seems to mean, judging from how they interact, that Scott doesn't like to go out at all. Their issues don't look like anything a good dose of common sense can't cure. Here's to hoping that they didn't get gypped on their therapy while Chris and Adrianne hogged the spotlight. "Assless Chaps and a Rose" Chris and Adrianne - who is wearing her "Mrs. Knight" T-shirt a tad prematurely - start talking about Adrianne's Playboy cover. Chris seems to be boasting for Walt and Scott's benefit, as those two have probably never been closer to a Playboy cover girl than a monthly subscription. It comes out that Adrianne thinks Chris "doesn't care" about her achievements. Naturally, Dr. Pam picks up on this and asks Chris to repeat to the group what Adrianne just said. He can't do it. That's rather like forgetting the color of your significant other's eyes. It is a free coupon for an ass-whupping. When Dr. Pam reprimands him for not really listening to his finacee, Chris, who has spouted psychobabble throughout both seasons of the show, acts as if he's never spoken with a therapist before. What? Did he pay his previous counselors not to criticize? That must be strange because therapy is, by definition, paying someone to tell you the truth. Now that Adrianne has a sympathetic ear, a lightbulb goes off, and she opens the floodgates: "When I'm freaking out and melting down, like when I got my first major magazine cover, it deserves a pat on the back, not saying, 'Hey, I'm proud of ya,' and that's it. I expected to come home to him in, like, assless chaps and a rose, saying, 'Let's celebrate,' you know?" The mere thought of Chris Knight wearing nothing but "assless chaps and a rose" is enough to cause nausea. Poor Tracy looks mildly ill and sorry that she ever got involved with this show. To encourage communication, and perhaps to steer Adrianne from the mere thought of assless chaps, Dr. Pam leads them through an exercise: "You're going to need to ask him exactly what you want - very plainly, single sentences." She turns to Chris and requests the same thing. Obviously, she hasn't been watching the show because, if she had been, she would have known that their forte is single sentences! It's their artistic medium! Adrianne says she feels like she's an "idiot" around her fiancé. When prompted to repeat what she said, Chris gets it all wrong: "I make her feel like s**t because of … knowledge?" Give that man a shovel because he wants to dig himself a hole! Dr. Pam immediately corrects him: "She did not say that." Chris gets defensive, babbles, and makes a noise rather like a kettle ready to boil. He leans over as if he is looking to Walt for help, but I'm sure he's not gonna get much from that department. Dr. Pam sums up the problem in a television-ready way: "You're talking head - she's talking heart." Then she says, "There's seventeen inches between here and here [pointing to head and then heart]." Yeah, well, Chris and Adrianne together because of a certain set of inches that we can't discuss in this family-friendly article, and it's got nothing to do with anything above the waist. Chris leaves the session still stewing and chewing on what the Dr. said. He's mad, and Adrianne thinks that she's done something wrong. But he needs to "reflect" alone because he's "about to explode at everybody." With that statement, he stalks off from his golf cart and mopes in a repeat of last week's closet episode. If he gets any more childish, he's going to need a security blanket. Next week: A Brady gets "flat-ass drunk," as opposed to "bumpy-ass drunk." |
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