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by Paul Phillips Published: June 23, 2006
As everyone knows, this year is All-Stars, which saves us from another embarrassing/painful theme like "Summer of Secrets": Each person was playing the game with a secret partner. By the end of the first week, everyone had spilled the beans and told who their partner was. Or "Project DNA": Unbeknownst to Cowboy and Nakomis, they were half-brother and sister. They found out, hugged, and then never talked to each other again. Or "The X Factor", where they brought in ex-boyfriends or girlfriends to torture the houseguests. Okay, I’ll give the BB producers a pass on "The X Factor". They actually got a pretty good amount of mileage out of that one. This show introduced the 20 former houseguests who’ll be competing for 12 spots in the house. America gets to vote in 6 players. And just to make sure the people they want on the show get on, the BB producers pick the other 6. The choices are: From season 1, "Chicken" George. Ah, season 1. I can hear Barbra Streisand singing: "Could it be that it was all so simple then…" For those of you who don’t know, in season 1 Jon Endemol, the mastermind behind "Big Brother" worldwide, was running the show. Besides Jordan (angry stripper) and Will Mega (angry black man) he cast all duds. There was no Head of Household back then and America, not the players, voted people out. To the other houseguests relief, America quickly voted out the only two interesting people and the rest of the houseguests spent the summer being nice to each other. The show was still interesting because of its premise, and newness, but it really was a lame season. "Chicken" George (the kind of nickname every man wants) got his name because he took care of the pet chickens the producers gave them. George was a middle-aged contractor who’d never been out of his small-town of Deadend, Illinois. Okay, George’s midwestern corny/goofiness was kind of sweet, but it got old (like George himself) real fast. I say what happened in season 1 should stay in season 1 and, therefore, I vote NO to "Chicken" George. On to season 2. Realizing Endemol’s "Big Brother" didn’t work, CBS showed him the door and brought in the show’s current producers, who transformed the show into the "Big Brother" we know today. First up from season 2 is Bunky: "I’m the bald gay guy from the South with the hairy back who cried all the time." That pretty much sums it up. Now I, unfortunately, have a little hair on my back, but Bunky is like a gorilla. Quick question: why is it that men who have perfectly smooth backs suddenly grow back-hair when they hit their late-20’s or 30’s? Anyone have any insight? We saw some clips of Bunky’s relationship with homophobic Bible-thumper Kent, which eventually turned into a nice friendship (and, dare I say, there was some definite sexual tension there). I liked Bunky. He was sweet, and entertaining. And I like seeing grown men cry. But I don’t know if I can look at that hairy back all summer. I give Bunky a tentative YES. But only if he promises to keep his shirt on. Next up: Evil Dr. Will, winner of BB2. Will smiles and asks, "Do you think it’s easy being this good-looking?" He makes my skin crawl a little. And if you ask me, Will’s really not that good looking. His face is kind of plain, and he’s too skinny. But he does have great hair. I wonder if Will’s still practicing medicine. His "Big Brother" persona really undermines his credibility as a doctor. I wouldn’t let him operate on me. I do respect the fact that Will was nominated for eviction almost every week, but he still managed to win. Says Will: "I absolutely pioneered the strategy of being evil and hoping to be taken to the end". A strategy that other players on other reality shows now use. Here’s the thing about Will: I don’t like him. But I like to watch him. He’s fun, and he doesn’t take himself too seriously. And he’ll stir up lots of drama. I have to vote YES to Will. Moving on, we have Mike "Boogie". Now, you can tell Mike thinks he’s this young, hip, hot dude. But he’s got a real old-man face, and he’s clearly pushing 40 so the whole "Mike Boogie" thing is a little sad. Mike was in the "Chill Town" alliance with Will and Shannon (I LOVE when houseguests give their alliances stupid names like "Chill Town", or "The Four Horsemen", or "The Friendship"). I remember hating "Chill Town" because they were like those mean popular kids in high school picking on the shy, scared nerds (guess you can tell which group I was in). I remember hating that odious, detestable Shannon most of all—luckily she’s not a contender. We’re treated to a clip of Mike on one knee, all highlighted hair, backwards visor, and shiny basketball shorts, proposing to white trash waitress Krista. Mike notes, "Krista and I never got married…" I am shocked. I was positive they were the real thing. Mike may be over-the-top, but he’s modest. We see a clip from after he was nominated from eviction where he says: "It’s like being in a f---ing movie and the extras and stand-ins take over the f---ing move and the stars are out. I am a star". In his present-day interview Mike comments, "I can be a very smart player that can be very dangerous in this game". I believe it. Mike dresses 20 years too young, but he’s smart. I vote YES for Mike. Plus, if he gets voted back in, we’ll get to hear Julie, all straight-faced and super-serious, say "Chill Town". Next, we have Monica. LOVED her! Monica was the funny, sassy, no-nonsense little black woman who loved to say "It’s awwwn!" For years after, my friend and I (the same friend who’s uncle is with Julie’s sister) would tell each other, at the tiniest provocation, "It’s awwwn!". Yes, we are so cool. Says Monica, "I can’t tell you what I’m gonna do different if I get on the show. But I’m gonna continue to be Monica. I’m gonna continue to keep it real and if you cross the line it will be awwwn. You can best-to believe that!" Hallelujah! Please, please, please, everyone vote for Monica ‘cause she is my girl! BB3: We have Marcellas, who you’ll recall, won the golden power of veto but then DIDN’T TAKE HIMSELF OFF THE BLOCK. Marcellas comments, "I made one of the most memorable slips in ‘Big Brother’ history". Marcellas, honey, you’re being far too kind. You made one of the most ridiculously stupid f—kups in reality tv history. Marcellas notes, "I really trusted Jason". Never trust a virgin. Abstinence does strange things to a person. And we see the clip of Jason telling Marcellas, "You should’ve used the veto". DUH. They should bring Jason back. He was so sweet, and cute, and he had great hair. As I mentioned in one of my "Survivor" recaps, Jason does casting for reality shows now. I met him at a "Biggest Loser" cattle call (MOOO!). Maybe being on a show again would be a step back or something. The highlight of Marcellas’ segment is his post-eviction interview, where Julie smacks him upside the head with her notecards. Good one, Aunt Julie! Marcellas is fun, and charming, but he just doesn’t do it for me. And if he’s in the house who’s going to host his "House Calls" (or whatever it’s called) internet talk show? So I have to vote NO for Marcellas. Moving on to Lisa, the winner of BB3. "I think," coos Lisa, "I am best known for the peanut butter bikini". Maybe some people thought the peanut butter bikinis were sexy. I found them really unhygienic. I mean, what woman wants peanut butter in her little lady? Then we’re treated to the clip of Lisa in bed with Eric the Fireman, whispering oh-so-seductively, "I can orgasm just from my navel being touched the right way". So can I, honey. Despite her ability to orgasm easily, I always found Lisa boring. So it’s a NO. Now on to the houseguest who should’ve won BB3: Danielle. Danielle says, "People either love to hate me or hate to love me". No, Danielle. I just love you. Danielle was completely focused on the prize, she played the game really hard, and I respect that. Her downfall? In the diary room she was, in her own words, "so real and raw". She called Roddy the devil. She celebrated each player’s eviction ‘cause it got her one step closer to the money. The game was actually changed again by Danielle: when the evictees were released out into the world they, of course, watched the show. And they were so pissed off by Danielle’s diary room comments that no one besides Jason (her secret ally) voted for her, even though her game was FAR superior to Lisa’s. So next season, to ensure that houseguests would be candid in the diary room, and diary room comments wouldn’t sway the vote, the producers started the eviction house, where evictees would only be shown group events in the house. Danielle was super-fun (her singing and dancing!) and she should’ve won. So, please please please vote YES for Danielle. BB4: The X Factor. Our first candidate is Erika. Now, Erika wasn’t nearly as interesting as her ex Robert who, teeming with Latin machismo, declared that all women were "bitches, sluts and whores". Hard to believe she let him get away. Erika was less than fascinating, but she looks incredible in a bikini and she has that quiet/cool/reserved thing going on that I find really sexy. She’s my kind of woman. So I vote YES to Erika. Next, Dana. Ah, Dana. Old Buzzard Crotch. Dana had a really nasty attitude; she would run around the house all day complaining, "I am so pissed awf right now". Relax, Dana. Life’s too short to be so angry all the time. Dana let her dalliance with Justin, Alison’s ex, cloud her judgment. And as we see a shot of Dana and Justin groping under the sheets, we hear Dana say: "I lost sight of strategy, and I blew it". Or blew him, as the case may be. We’re treated to a clip of super-butch Dana’s embarrassing attempts at flirting: she tells Justin, "You have nice lips, but I told you that already. They’re voluptuous". Cringe. Bottom line with Dana is, any girl who can beat me up makes me a little uncomfortable. I vote an overwhelming NO to Dana. Rounding out the BB4 candidates is Alison, who proudly says: "I’m probably best known for being a hooker in the house". At least hookers get paid for it. Ali smiles and shrugs, "A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do". Alison flirted/hooked up with several guys in the house while her cuckold boyfriend Donny watched at home. Most notable was Alison’s fling with Nathan. You remember Nathan—he was the Southern boy who loved to yell "GOLLLY!". With his buff, tan body, blue eyes and curly blond locks he looked something like a Greek god, and exuded that "I go both ways" hotness. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t make the cut. Anyway, once Alison stabbed Erika in the back we were left with Alison and Jun, which left us with the most unsatisfying BB finale ever. Alison and Jun were both such despicable bitches |
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