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by Caroline Roberts Published: June 26, 2006
If I want to see relationship problems quickly ironed out, then I'll watch Dr. Phil. I watch My Fair Brady so I can see two low-watt celebs burp, belch, mispronounce words, and generally unleash their ids on the world. But this week was the worst My Fair Brady episode because Chris and Adrianne were in a serious mood, and it felt like they were leading an infomercial for Dr. Pamela Pine's couples-therapy class. (Chris must have learned something from those AbLounger commercials.) The episode starts off following the model of classic "try it - you'll like it" commercials. Chris is still sulky after Dr. Pine told him he wasn't listening to Adrianne, and he whines that he wants to go home. Be warned - there's so much whining from Chris this week that Brady Bunch fans will be reminded of the episode in which Peter's voice cracked. The editors also lay the symbolism on pretty thick. Adrianne convinces him to stay for another therapy session, all the while wearing a handbag whose strap is made of - no joke here - a pair of handcuffs. Did they want to beat us over the head with the fact that Chris sees Adrianne as the old ball and chain? But Adrianne convinces Chris to see how good therapy can be. To make sure we the viewers get it, the producers cue up bad acoustic guitar when Chris and Adrianne return to Dr. Pine's class. To emphasize that Chris and Adrianne are "just like us," they bring back poor Scott and Tracy and Walt and Dionne as well. But no celebrity can take being on the level of the teeming millions for long. Chris takes pride in distinguishing himself and Adrianne from the rest of his therapy group. He thinks his mere presence is helping these people: "It's fun watching them with their issues. I think we're rather garishly freakish compared to them. It must have made it easy for them." Chris has invented a new brand of therapy - "celebritherapy," in which just sitting next to a celebrity, no matter how obscure, can cure all mental ailments. The therapy session has one good outcome. Adrianne states what we've known all along, that Chris uses their age difference "as a weapon" and calls her behavior "infantile." No way! Get out! Really? Brady Blotto Adrianne is clearly chafing within this serious role. At dinner after the therapy session, she chirps, "You touch my boobies tonight!" This from a woman who doesn't want to be called "infantile." But any flashes of the old Adrianne are appreciated. It doesn't last long, though, because Chris wants to get hammered. Chris tells her, "I just can't take more discovery right now." Lines like that make me wish for the end of reality television and the return of real scriptwriters. As Chris drinks to the tune of clumsy music, he looks like he's melting into the Brady blob. He burbles, "I'm not liking me. I don't like the way I'm treating you. I discovered tonight that I've been asking for respect from you, and I haven't had enough respect to even listen to you." Did it ever occur to him to just apologize to her instead of talking about himself? I hear Red Oyster's voice from Flavor of Love telling Hottie, "Don’t make it about you, bitch!" Despite Chris' pity party, one funny moment emerged. Who would have thought that Adrianne would be the one to tell Chris he's had too much to drink? Now would have been the perfect moment for Chris and Adrianne to kiss and make up in the hot tub, but Chris passes out, leaving Adrianne to enjoy the hot tub all alone. He's no spring chicken, after all. Is That a Grapefruit, or Are You Happy to See Me? In the morning, Chris and Adrianne share breakfast, and Chris points at her chest, shouting, "Look at that boob! That boob is bigger than I remember it being!" Given her past behavior, and the fact that she is a model who has been seen eating on camera, her reaction is unexpected: "Stop right there - you just basically asked, 'Are you bloated?'" She stands in front of him and asks, "Where have I gained weight?" In that one moment, Adrianne erases any points she may have accumulated in the episode. Not only are they the clichéd fighting couple, but he's the clichéd immature ex-child star, and she is the clichéd model who frets over illicit fondue. The last season, if Chris noticed that Adrianne had a bigger chest, they would have ended up in the bedroom. But they're not finished being serious. Chris still wants to talk about his feelings, and he tells Adrianne that getting shrunk makes everything go "cattywompus." Does anyone know what on earth this means? A Google search pointed me to an LA-area band of that name, which means that either Chris has some weird words bubbling in his subconscious, or that was the weirdest shameless plug of all time. Chris then tells Adrianne, "It's like my head is a demon, and it's protecting its territory." Wow. When a Brady gets deep, things get mighty scary. The Moral of the Story In their last therapy meeting, after Adrianne tells everyone else how she puts Big Daddy to bed after he gets drunk, Dr. Pine helps Chris realize that Adrianne will still love him even if he's grouchy. Chris is in awe: "Wow - I can make these mistakes, and she'll still love me?" Hold on there, cowboy. A therapist's advice doesn't give you license to keep acting like a butthead. Despite the speed of the episode, along with Chris' constant complaining, Adrianne declares their therapy getaway was "the best thing that we have ever done for our relationship." They then drive off into the sunset as Chris touches Adrianne's nether parts. That can't mean their problems are over - this is only episode five! This episode is unfortunate, really, because Chris and Adrianne are doing what most actors should never do - "show their range." When an actor says that he or she would like to "show their range" on camera, you should run. Now Adrianne is funny. Her bawdy humor is perfect for the reality-TV drama. The only good moment in the entire episode takes place when she describes putting Chris to bed. When she's serious, she's not interesting. (Some may argue that when she's clothed, she's not interesting, either, but I'll be generous.) Next week: Chris and Adrianne fly to Joliet, which means it's Grandma to the show's rescue! Plus, Chris goes all Janice Dickinson on the wedding venue. |
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