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by Caroline Roberts Published: July 17, 2006
So Real, They Eat at Arby's VH1 offers a subtle hint that what's to come sure won't be classy. Chris and Adrianne ponder their Vegas bachelor/bachelorette party plans at Arby's. Now, sex and horsey sauce shouldn't mix. And, if it does in your mind, please get help. Then Chris plots his bachelor party with Barry Williams. Yep, Greg Brady is up for a good time, the kind of good time that wasn't mentioned on the Brady Bunch. Barry can't wait to get to Vegas, saying, "If it's a good bachelor party, I can actually get my BEEP." Say what? Barry Williams is a dirty old man! He is no longer Greg Brady, and I don't want to think about Barry Williams getting it on with anyone. From Strip Club to Rotary Club Phil, who is labeled as a "friend/PR manager," is planning the bachelor/bachelorette parties. This means that the bachelor party will be scheduled within an inch of its life and managed for maximum conflict. Of course, Adrianne and Chris will hold their bachelor/bachelorette parties in the same hotel, the Hard Rock. If that isn’t a miserable idea, I don't know what is. Now, I'm not a sociologist, but bachelors and bachelorettes tend to hold their parties precisely so they can get a little breather from each other before they are joined for life. At least Phil had the good sense to put them in separate suites. All of Adrianne's friends are there waiting for her. Adrianne is really happy to see them. Really happy. She declares, "My friends are so hot! Perfect setup for disaster. In a good way." And so begins VH1 After Dark, which plays like a lengthy Girls Gone Wild ad, only with slightly better production values. The Hard Rock suite cultivates an After Dark atmosphere by including a stripper pole, a 10-person Jacuzzi, and a private bar. Adrianne can't believe her good fortune, "There's going to be bitches in the tub, and bitches in the shower! This is awesome! Let's get BEEPIN trashed!" With that kind of suite, one of three things are sure to happen. 1. Someone is going to get nekkid or 2. Someone will drop a bowling ball on her foot or 3. Betty Friedan will roll over in her grave. In comparison, Chris' bachelor party looks more like a Rotary Club meeting. That's not to say that the guys aren't looking for some action, Barry Williams in particular because, as Chris points out, he is "now again a single man." Is Barry hoping for the same good fortune Chris had? Does he think that he, too, can land a supermodel thanks to reality tee-vee? Best of luck, Johnny Bravo, but lightning might not strike twice. Phil, the "manager/friend," leads the Rotary Club to the "party bus" so they can go indoor skydiving. Chris takes the dudes to go skydiving because it is "guyish." The emphasis is on the "-ish" since it is indoor skydiving. Still, the members of the Rotary Club look like they are going to wet themselves. Chris gets an indoor skydiving suit that looks like a tux, which makes him look like a chubby penguin. To emphasize just how boring all this is, VH1 cues up some classical music. But it's exciting to watch Barry Williams' cheeks rippling in the wind! Again, Adrianne has way more fun opening up presents like penis necklackes and bridal pasties. She's nothing if not classy. Then her best buddy gives everyone bikinis, and it's the moment VH1 has been waiting for as the women go hog wild. Adrianne's buddies prove to be rather good at whole Jacuzzi and stripper pole thing. I just feel bad for the maids because these women get suds everywhere, and someone's gotta clean that mess up. Then, Adrianne starts wearing a veil, and someone licks whipped cream off her stomach. The camera pays attention to Allison DuBois, who is the psychic who inspired the show Medium. Hey, Allison, they say you're psychic, do you think this marriage is going to last? Or does that question insult your ESP? Another odd guest includes Tamie, Phil's girlfriend, who gives Adrianne a lap dance. Boy, that makes things complicated. What does it mean when your manager's girlfriend gives you a lap dance? Then Adrianne gets stripteases from all her buddies. Cue the After Dark music. Like any good Rotary club member, one of Chris' pals suggests a stripclub, and VH1 edits in dead silence and awkward pauses. Barry Williams, who must be ingesting Viagra by the handful, hollers, "What are you thinking about? Your bride-to-be or your bros?" The Rotary Club goes to Simon's Steakhouse. VH1 gets in a good shot of one of Chris' pals giving the eye to one of the waitresses. Barry says, "You know what we need? Adrianne on a table! So we can eat the food off of her!" THIS MAN IS FILTHY! Drunken Text Messaging and a Gratuitous Shower As Adrianne does something odd with a plastic squeeze bottle, Chris texts her, and they get all gooey in their own special way. Adrianne declares, "I wish he'd come up to the BEEP bar with me and watch chicks rub their boobs in my face." Ewww. Later, Adrianne coos, "I have no underwear on!" Then, of course, a bunch of the women shower together as porn music plays. But it's Adrianne. It won't be long before she starts complaining and things get decidedly unsexy. Naturally, all the dudes head to the hotel suite, and there's Adrianne with her handcuff handbag and her veil. (You'd think the handbag really is handcuffed to her.) All the men are thrilled to meet Adrianne's buddies, and Barry quickly works the room. Chris and Adrianne share a private moment. To Chris' credit, he notes that Adrianne and her friends have trashed the hotel suite. Adrianne gloats, "You guys have been having a lame time! And we've been up here partyin' our asses off! And we ain't having no lame time! We're having a good time." She stands above him, waving a feather whip, and he says, "I see the orchid." Orchid? Huh? Now, I've been criticized by readers for misquoting because my hearing really isn't that good. This is true. I do my best with my one good ear. But that sounded like "orchid" to me. The law should stop these two from naming each other's nether parts. Then one of Chris' friends feels the need to leave, so Chris decides to go with him to the club. Adrianne doesn't get it. Manager/PR guy tries to intervene, and she is annoyed. She completely misunderstands what is going on. Even though most of the series has favored Adrianne in their arguments, Chris is the good guy in this one: "This is a challenge for some of my friends." When she gets upset, because Adrianne tends to think people are judging her, he says, "It's not a reflection of you!" It isn't. If one of his pals doesn't feel like looking at naked chicks, then it's his problem, not hers. But then Chris does serious wrong when he calls Adrianne "juvenile." She immediately drops Dr. Pam's name, and it gets ugly quick. Here's a little advice for these two: Maybe you shouldn't have had your bachelor and bachelorette parties in the same place! Perhaps you'll remember that for next time! Adrianne's friends try to boost her spirits, and they go to a place called "Body English." Given the way they dance, the club should be called "Body Pig Latin." Then Adrianne's brother shows up. Adrianne is furious that Chris isn't adding her brother to the Rotary Club. But, hey, the brother is a smartie, and he goes inside the club with Adrianne and her pals. Props to him. Adrianne kvetches that her brother has been waiting forever at the airport, but would he rather be bored playing blackjack or dancing with babes? As the Rotary Club plays blackjack, Adrianne sends texts. Johnny Bravo says, "Either play, or step away from the table." When Barry Williams wants to party, nothing gets in his way. Body Pig Latin gets to be too much for Adrianne, and she decides she will puke if she leaves (gastrointestinal distress! shades of the good old days!), so she and her girls return to the suite. The PR dude shows up and says, "You are both idiots." THANK YOU! "It was a non-issue; it is still a non-issue." Adrianne gets mad that he's talking sense. Hey, where has this guy been the whole time? Chris takes the Rotary Club back to his suite, which he calls "our special men's cottage." Cottage? A "cottage" refers to where little old British ladies live, not a bachelor's suite! Then, VH1 introduces us to "Laurent, Angry French Friend," who is peeved that the stripper pole has no strippers. Hey, where can we buy an "Angry French Friend"? Is this guy going to turn up on the next season of Flavor of Love? Unfortunately, there's not enough of "Laurent, Angry French Friend." And Phil, the PR dude, decides to make some good television by talking Chris into taking the Rotary Club to a stripper lounge named Sapphires. (At least it wasn't named "Rhinestones.") On the way to the club, Chris texts that the PR dude is "fired" for encouraging him to go to a strip club. (Why can' t he just call? Do they have bad cell-phone plans?) Adrianne is worried because "Chris cannot jeopardize himself. He cannot be seen in public going to a strip club. He has potential jobs with people who do not approve of behavior like that." Hold up. What does she mean? Is Christopher Knight going to replace Willie Aames as Bibleman? Adrianne rips into the PR dude for letting him go to the strip club because Chris told her that he didn't want to go to a strip club because he didn't want to "ruin his image." Then she spins such preposterous crap as "Peter Brady in a strip club ruins a lot of things for Brady Bunch fans. It really does." She then says, "You're gonna look like a lecherous man. I'm all over women. That's hot!" Whew. Watching the gears turn in this woman's head is must-see television. She could use some WD-40 in there. So, let's follow her logic. She can grind all over women because they're women, but he can't? And it's cool for Barry Williams, aka Greg Brady, to go to a strip club? But Adrianne's next lines are pure VH1 gold: Chris needs a little something that I have in abundance, and he lacks in abundance. And that's called 'balls.' And that night he was holding a pair of mice nuts. Um, sugar, fighting in Iraq is an indicator of "balls." Being a police officer or fire fighter is an indicator of "balls." Taking lengthy showers with your bridesmaids is under no circumstances an indicator of "balls." The Party's Over Leave it to Chris and Adrianne to drain all the fun out of their bachelor/bachelorette parties. Chris and the Rotary Club return to Adrianne's suite, and her best friend screams at the PR dude about all the drama, little realizing that she is adding to the drama. Chris and Adrianne argue in the bathroom. He didn't expect to be yelled at because he didn't go to the strip club, but Adrianne is breathing fire. Chris just walks out, accompanied by the sound of a toilet flush. Obviously, the VH1 sound guys were having a field day. As Chris stalks out, the psychic has a look on her face like, "I knew this would happen all along." Really, it can't be that hard to be a psychic if you hang around Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight. Then VH1 employs bad editing of Adrianne racing after Chris. He closes the elevator door in her face. Since When Did Chris Hang Out With Bob and Doug McKenzie? Chris wakes up feeling like heck. No wonder. He sleeps in the world's second ugliest shirt. He reflects, "I awoke with a feeling of relief and agitation and humiliation and strange brew." Chris, you can't feel "Strange Brew" unless you've consumed a case of Elsinore Beer. As her beloved hoser sleeps, Adrianne continues her tirade against Chris. But she admits, "We were both drunk and being mean." They kiss and make up, leaving Vegas in a purple car that looks like Barney the dinosaur on wheels. In voiceover, Adrianne announces, "I didn't smoke one cigarette." Well, that's one vice in which you didn't indulge. Alas, VH1 ran out of bachelor/bachelorette party footage (that they could air, anyway - the rest is probably floating around somewhere on the Internet). So they close with what is supposed to be a romantic exchange between Chris and Adrianne at home. Chris asks Adrianne, "What's an E-cup?" Adrianne says, "E is enormous, F is fake, and G is BEEP BEEP!" Then she shows her own chest. He says, "More please?" What? Is he trying to remember the line from Oliver Twist and failing miserably? Of course, she shows it again. Then the tone changes abruptly as they talk about the depth of their relationship. There's flashbacks of Joanie Laurer and Florence Henderson's disapproval. Chris fills time like a champ as he shares his own feelings about love: "I'm looking forward to the path, the journey, the growth." The deep thoughts of Christopher Knight can mean only one thing - a gratuitous flashback reel! We relive some of the highlights - I'm using that term loosely - of the show. Chris concludes with what is, for him, a challenging concept: "There may be some truth to the fact that love conquers all." Chris, if love conquering all is indeed a "fact," then there's automatically truth in it. I know that's a little deep and technical but, oh, never mind! Grrr. These two have fried my brain! But one thing always brings them together - intestinal gas! Finally, VH1 gives us what we've been waiting for. As they snuggle in bed and Chris' head drops toward her behind, Adrianne says, "It's gonna be fun down there real soon." And she unleashes a tornado of intestinal gas. Chris says, "That was even wet in my nostrils!" Yep, these two are meant for each other, no matter what. Next week: The wedding, which means that Barry Williams descends upon Joliet. Fathers, lock up your daughters! Plus, Rick gives the legendary line "This is like Porky Pig giving advice on barbecue sauce." Rick is clearly the smartest person who has appeared on this entire show. |
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