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by Caroline Roberts Published: July 21, 2006
At least the masses voted for Master P because they were sick of the judges' snotty attitudes. But judges such as Vera Wang, Nina Garcia, and Heidi Klum, who theoretically know a little something about fashion let Vincent hang out for another week. Why is this bad for Project Runway? Because, unlike other reality shows, which encourage people to "be themselves," the contestants on Project Runway need to display a minimum of skill in order to win each round. Yet Vincent stayed in despite a dress that had puckers in the front and wings. The model could have stabbed someone with those vestigal protrusions he attached to her back. He should have gone last week after his hell-in-a-handbasket hat. He earned a little sympathy last week by working the "I'm old, and I cashed out my 401K" angle, but I'm not feeling it anymore. The judges chose Vincent over Malan, who was equally arrogant and weird. He also liked to air out his mother issues. None of these character traits make Malan different from any other fashion designer. But his dress, which falls under the category of "fugly," was fugly with effort. Tim told Malan that his dress looked like it was "carved from a log," but, wow, reaching that level of fug involves vision. And the gathered effect all around the torso replicated the stiffness common to pageant evening gowns. As you will see in my descriptions of each team below, I'll take fug over lazy any day of the week. Plus, this week's challenge required effort. The judges asked the designers to create a gown for Miss USA Tara Conner, and she promised to wear the gown in the Miss Universe pageant. Tim acts like winning Miss Universe actually matters, and he tells the designers (in an awkward voiceover, no less), "Your design could mean the difference between Tara winning and losing." Yeah, and bombs are flying between Israel and Lebanon. Who cares? The show is fun and escapist. It's not about saving lives. That said, Tara could use some help, as she shows up on the runway wearing a champagne-colored sack with a giant rosette on her right shoulder. Naturally, Kayne is tickled at the challenge because he's the pageant king. Guess who is going to win? (Seriously. I don't feel bad revealing who got kicked off in the beginning since the winner was obvious from the get-go.) Each designer must then make a "pitch" to Tara based on her specifications, which include earth tones, making her look taller, and not making her look like a ho. Some of the pitches are comical, and Keith practically feels her up, forgetting that he's designing a dress, not trying to find a date at a bar. Tara then announces the best pitches. The people with the best ideas get to be a team leader, and they will pick someone who will help them make a dress. Now, check out this list: Keith, Ulrike, Vincent, Laura, Malan, Jeffrey, and Kayne. Given his pitch to Tara - which included a random "Oh my God!" and barely-there sketches - I don't believe that she would have picked Vincent unless a producer waved a pitchfork at her. Either that, or the editors really hate Vincent and have removed all moments in which he's behaved with any sense. The show also sets it up so that she picks Kayne last, which creates false tension because we all know he has it in the bag. At this point, the popular kids get to choose their minions. Some of the choices are surprising, such as NYC Laura choosing ATL Michael. Others make perfect sense. Pageant king Kayne picks Barbie Man Robert. Punky Jeffrey picks Death Cab Magnet Allison. Seemingly laid-back Ulrike picks sporty Bonnie. The rest are as follows: Malan-Katheirne, Keith-Bradley, and ... Vincent-Angela. The Vincent-Angela combo is immediately in trouble because, well, Vincent forgets Angela's name. Angela wanted to be paired with Kayne, but she didn't exactly endear herself to him because she kept interrupting him while he was drawing sketches for his pitch. Perhaps she and Vincent deserved each other. The rest of the program turns into the Vincent and Angela show, with a little Malan and Katherine thrown in. Vincent and Angela are both hyper-sensitive types. Even though Katherine is mystified by Malan's redwood-tree design, she merely tells him that she won't be going down with his ship, and he accepts that. Vincent hogs the mannequin and won't let Angela touch anything. Fierce Kayne - Robert: So their dress is, as Jeffrey correctly calls it, the color of sherbet, and its cut makes the model look like Darryl Hannah after Eugene Levy threw the bucket of water on her in Splash. Why is it fierce? Because, by golly, it gets the job done. Tara Conner got the perfect pageant dress. How could she go wrong with Pageant Man and Barbie Man? But it feels like cheating to give a pageant man a pageant assignment! Aren't the tasks called "challenges"? This isn't a slam on Kayne but a slam at the producers. Laura - Michael: Laura chooses Michael precisely because he has a different style, and she says, "I thought he would honestly question what I would normally do." The danger of the combination is that they both have glammy styles, and they'd wind up make Tara look like a walking Christmas tree. But they both restrain themselves by focusing on the structure, with a few of Laura's signature twinkles. The upside is that it's a swell dress, but the downside is that it's too classy for a pageant. Fabulous Uli-Bonnie: These two worked well together, and the layered skirt was clever, but Uli's halter design resembles last week's dress. Now, Uli's basic dress is cute, but I'd like to see her try something different. Frightful Keith - Bradley: Keith hoists his boring banner high. It's not terrible, but it makes the model look kinda knocked up. Kudos for the back, though. Jeffrey - Allison: Jeffrey did exactly what he said he would do for Tara - make a "strong warrior" gown. Oddly enough, Jeffrey seems afraid of women and their opinions. When Vincent starts trash-talking Angela, Jeffrey calls her a "Feminazi" without understanding the term in the slightest. If Angela were a "Feminazi," she would have stood up to Vincent instead of nagged him and repaired his design. But she didn't, so she's not a "Feminazi." Which, following this logic, means that Jeffrey must get frightened whenever women speak. Besides, did Allison utter a complete sentence during this episode? Because if she had, she could have fixed that warrior dress so it wasn't, in Jeffrey's words, "beautifully grotesque." Then again, that describes a pageant pretty well. The top was good, but that skirt was a trash bag. Fug Malan-Katherine: This dress makes me think of the Log Song on Ren & Stimpy: "It's log! It's log! It's heavy, it's brown, it's wood! It's log! It's log! It's better than bad; it's good!" And it is good. This dress is anything but boring. Malan followed his vision, and, as his assistant, Katherine just helped him achieve it. And boy did he ever achieve it. So his hem was ragged. Check out Vincent's boo-boos below. I would love to see what this guy could do with a swimsuit - which is precisely why he should have stayed! Vincent - Angela - Richly deserved fug. Tim looked at it and appeared to withhold a wave of nausea. And their poor model, Jia. She has to work with those two, and then she gets hit by a bus! I sure hope there was a model trade and she got to wear a pretty dress. That dress puckers in the front, with little, clearly unintentional bunches on her tummy and on the top. The top was gappy, and the judges yelled at Santino for getting the tops wrong in the past. Well, Vincent said he had to rip up the dress to fix Angela's mistakes. Wrap-Up: Out: Malan Best line of the night: Barbie Man: "She's a beauty queen, not a disco ball!" Runner-up line of the night: Laura: "This cannot be here. It's gonna look like she's pooping." Worst line of the night: It's not a line - it's Bradley's stupid Chinese delivery boy accent. (just so you didn't think I was aiming all my Runway Outrage at Vincent.) Previous Episodes: Episode 1 |
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