 |
|
| Home · Reviews · Interviews · Contests · Blog · Forums · Follow Us On Twitter |
|
by Caroline Roberts Published: July 24, 2006
*Non-alcoholic version: For those of you who normally forego drinking games, you can guess how many times gastrointestinal distress occurs during the episode. Write your name and that number on a slip of paper, and put it inside a hat. As you watch the show, put a dollar into the hat equivalent to the number of shots you would imbibe if you are drinking. When the show is over, compare the number you guessed to what actually happened. Whoever comes closest to guessing the number of times the dynamic duo passes gas in any way gets the cash. If there aren't any, then split and chalk it up to maturity on the parts of Chris and Adrianne. So go get your beverage of choice and get ready for an hour and a half of My Fair Brady! Are You My Dad or My Husband? We're back in the world's most romantic place - Joliet, Illinois. In the beginning, VH1 teases us with a wind chime sighting in Adrianne's mom's backyard. But that doesn't count since the wind chimes aren't made of toilet paper roles; hence, they are not Polish wind chimes. Put that drink down! VH1 teases us even more when Chris appears in a sleeveless T-shirt that shows off his hard nipples. Maybe you want to sneak a sip for this sight because it's enough to make you wish for either the World's Ugliest Shirt or the World's Second Ugliest Shirt. It's strange to think of a guy who likes to show off his big guns and his nipples acting like an uptight dad, but that's what Chris does when Joe, the wedding planner, arrives. (An aside: These two people don't have jobs other than being reality TV stars, so why is it so hard to plan this darned wedding?) Joe and Chris lay down the law because, according to Chris: "The devil is in the details, and there's a lot of devil in Adrianne." Reflecting on the moment, Chris realizes he's not looking so good when he treats his wife like a kid: "It's not like I'm being a parent; we're working together as a team." Now, there's reason for concern because Adrianne is a party girl, as shown by what happened in Vegas last week. And no one except maybe the show's producers wants Adrianne to get drunk, pass out, and have to be carted away from the church by the camera crew. Adrianne is willing to compromise: "I'm not gonna get pukin' drunk - I promise." But Chris doesn’t want her to get burping drunk, either. In fact, he makes her promise not to burp during the whole day, which leads to a cascade of references to gastrointestinal distress. Shots galore! Asking Adrianne not to release gas on her wedding day means she won't be Adrianne Curry anymore! What is Chris looking for? Does he really want Adrianne Curry or an android? Adrianne calls Chris on his hypocrisy because he also has digestive troubles, and she says he shouldn't fart during the day. Joe works hard for the money and turns what could be a big bust-up over farts into a joke: "All bodily functions stop when you're in formal attire." That's a lot of references to gastrointestinal distress in a short space, so you may want to take a brief drinking-game rest. He leaves, and Adrianne's bridesmaids show up to give her a surprise party. Adrianne, who seems hellbent to prove that she's more masculine than Chris, says, "I was so embarrassed. I've never had such a bitchy, frilly party before." As he leaves, Chris rather snottily tells a room full of adult women, "Don't get too drunk! You all have a duty!" Adrianne becomes offended and retorts, "I'm not the one with the drinking problem." No kidding. You'll see plenty of that soon. There's a reason why I didn't put a rule in the drinking game that said "take a drink whenever a cast member takes one." Drunken Manicures Destroy Marriages Chris picks up Ed, his dad, and takes him to get his nails done. Huh? I'd love to see Chris try to take Adrianne's dad for a male manicure. The ladies then ask if Chris and his dad would like some scotch as their cuticles are pruned. Gee, that's terrific. Chris is driving, and encouraging his elderly father to knock 'em back. To top it all off, Ed fantasizes about nude manicures. Chris' dad then gives him advice. At first, Ed doesn’t seem like trouble. He just seems like an old Hollywood guy, but the problem with Ed is that Ed doesn't know when to quit when it comes to a) drinking and b) giving unsolicited advice. Another black mark against Ed is that he hugs Adrianne for just a little too long. The crew climbs into a limo, which is a good thing because Adrianne has correctly noticed that Chris and his dad are "hammered." She's probably justifiably bitter that Chris told her to lay off, and he is off getting his nails done and boozing it up without her. But "hammered" doesn't quite describe it. Ed has trouble walking into the Italian restaurant, and his problems don't seem to come from his advanced age. Rick, the sanest cast member of all, awaits them. The drinking continues, and Chris and Ed develop a rosy alcohol flush. Somehow, the subject of respect arises, and Chris defends "the concept of our elders giving us advice." Seems like a reference to the age difference! One shot! It's okay if elders give advice - as long as Rick is the only one giving said advice. Unfortunately, Ed and Chris seem to think they are qualified enough to chime in. Rick says, "Listen. As much as you wanna talk, listen!" But Ed and Chris are in the mood to talk. Now, Adrianne has never been the deepest thinker in the world, but she knows that none of the men at the table are in the position to give her advice. She tells the camera later, "I love you guys, but you failed! What advice can you give?" Ed also decides it's time to show off, and he quotes John Keats' "Ode on a Grecian Urn" at the dinner table: "Beauty is truth, and truth is beauty." I'd be tempted to giggle at Adrianne when he says, "I feel like it's 1969 and I'm listening to Timothy Leary." Actually, she really feels like it's 1884, and she's listening to one of the romantic poets. But why laugh at Adrianne? Ed is quoting the poem out of context, incorrectly, and rather pretentiously. In fact, give yourself a shot because she is clearly thinking hard. Chris doesn't think Adrianne is respectful enough of his father's borrowed wisdom, and Adrianne fights back because they are all acting like jerks. But Ed isn't finished. He wonders aloud if Adrianne is disagreeing with Chris "for the sake of intellectual power" (oh, that's a laugh and a half). Ed then spouts off: "I'm beginning to wonder if this is going to work. Life as a married couple is a matter of washing dishes, it's not a matter of philosophical discussions. The conflict has got to stop. The agreement has got to start." Is it easy to see why Ed got divorced? Like Father, Like Son As Ed gets his old-dude rant on, Chris leaps in and tells his future wife, "There is something between us and you - there's an experience level that you can't appreciate yet in life." They're basically calling her a child, and Ed mentions that Adrianne didn't finish high school. Yeah, well, Ed may have finished high school, and he might have a dim memory of "Ode on a Grecian Urn," but he's acting like a toddler. A diploma doesn't make a person a genius. Adrianne is fully aware that she's been insulted, and she screams in hindsight, "I'm at a table full of drunk douchebags trying to tell me how my life is!" Ed and Chris start crying. You might be able to sneak in a few shots given how much Ed and Chris discuss their wisdom, but the scene is a downer. Adrianne has absolutely no pity: "They're crying like little bitches! Drunk as hell! Crying in front of my dad!" As for Rick, he proves his true wisdom by staying out of the fray. He even laughs and says, "This has gone way beyond me!" Then Chris walks out of the restaurant and leaves his dad. Yeah, there's a camera crew there, but is it normal for people to say, "Uh, camera crew, can you take my dad home?" Sure, he's a jerk, but he's Chris's dad! Perhaps you should be careful if you're still drinking at this point because you might turn into sad drunks like Chris and Ed. From Sad Drunk to Mad Drunk Adrianne, who is never without her sparkly cell phone, calls Chris, and she's crying from the ladies' toilet. But Chris isn't done. He screams, "Get over here at the church! Now!" Whoa. He started it, so perhaps he shouldn't be yelling. Meanwhile, Ed is digging a deeper hole with Adrianne's dad, asking, "What's her problem? What's she always bitching about?" Seems she has a good reason to bitch! Adrianne races to the church for an emotional moment with Chris, who has decided that it's the right moment to build his acting resume. He begins to get emotional and shout, "Who are the people that give you wisdom in your life?" Adrianne notes, "You never really listen to your dad." Chris says she needs to "f*&kin surrender to wisdom" and runs away. It isn't long before Adrianne tracks him down on her trusty sparkly cell phone, and he says he wants to call off the wedding. In a hilarious moment, they talk to each other on the cell phone while they are within a few feet of each other. But this sets Chris off even more, and he sneers, "You're not ready for it." Oh, sweetie. Lay off the drama! Please! You Can Keep on Knockin' Adrianne goes home alone and cries to her best friend Andrea and her mother. Her mother, the woman who could "knock a man's dick in the dirt," has plenty of arrows to shoot at Chris: "He's not a young chicken. He's an old rooster. He can only crow for so long." Three cheers for that! And a shot! Things are looking up! Who does he think he is? He's darned lucky he got a nubile young model. Chris has troubles waiting for him when he gets back to Adrianne's mom's house. He's locked out, and he's forced to knock. Andrea's fiancé gets the door, and it looks like Chris is about to get a beat-down from everyone in the house. What was he thinking anyway? He's messing with people from Joli-frickin'-et! These people have a major prison in their town, and they could give Chris a little vacation there any time they want! Following a sound montage of Chris' stupidity, Chris wakes up and seems disgusted with himself. He admits sheepishly, "When I drink, it's not pretty." Then perhaps he should stop drinking. Adrianne - who appears to have fallen off the wagon regarding her smoking - counts on her family to make Chris feel uncomfortable. She gives VH1 some special advice: "The Italians, the Jews, the Greeks, and the Mexicans - don't f&ck with the family!" I guess the Bradys don't exactly fit in that category, eh? There's a Grown-Up in the House! Adrianne calls the wedding planner, who apparently moonlights as a marriage counselor. To make Chris feel especially guilty, Adrianne tells everyone how swollen her eyes are from crying. Chris feels guilty and hugs her, and then he decides to burnish his acting resume by setting up a scene in which he asks Adrianne's grandma for forgiveness. When Joe arrives, Adrianne guarantees that Joe - and the audience - will be on her side. She stands in the doorway and reads the headline from a magazine clipping: "Signs Your Partner May Be Abusive." Joe realizes this is serious - so serious that he asks Grandma to leave the room. Chris apologizes for acting badly and for repeating the pattern that all good mommas, Oprah, and the magazines warned you about. Chris weeps into Adrianne's shoulder: "I got issues." No kiddin'! Adrianne laughs and thinks it's funny. Joe pipes in, "Admitting is the first step!" She forgives him, and Joe thinks that it's going to be okay because at least they didn't sleep with other people. Then again, Adrianne harbors a grudge that might bubble up if there's a third season: "I'm Italian. We don't forget a G-D thing." What's up with this Italian fixation? Did someone tell her to get in touch with her roots? And her dad has Polish windchimes, which we still haven't seen. Is she absolutely sure she's Italian? Get Your Glasses Ready - It's Gratuitous Cameos Time! You might be getting tired at this point, but you must keep going. Remember, this episode is so special that it is an hour and a half long! If you can keep up with these two, you can keep up with anyone! Christopher and Adrianne's family and friends gather for an outdoor barbecue, featuring Christopher and Adrianne wine. And, of course, a few celebs turn up, including Chyna Doll and her chest and cheek implants. One shot only, please, despite her implants. Pace yourself - the other Bradys are on the way. Ed turns up. (Put your glasses down - he's not a celeb.) Chris goes on a walk with him and informs him that what he said the night before was out of line. Judging from this conversation, it seems that Chris has played dad to his own father before. Ed doesn't seem to remember what happened, which is hardly a surprise. Chris sighs, "That's the problem with my dad. He doesn't get it, and he makes it worse." And then three Bradys show up, which means three more shots for you! Of course, Barry Williams is there, along with the surprisingly normal Mike Lookinland and Susan Olsen. They look and act like suburbanites who don't want to make any trouble. Barry just looks like he wants to meet Ms. Right-for-Tonight. Adrianne is impressed with the youngest Bradys: "Mike is a lovely man, but Susan - she seems like one cool bitch!" Agreed. She's wearing an "I love Borat!" T-shirt! Chris is happy to see the Bradys because, well, they helped make him famous, and they're more normal than Ed. Ed, meanwhile, is suffering his punishment at the hands of Adrianne's mom, who is dropping some more elliptical one-liners. This time, she doesn't say anything about dicks and dirt, but she tells Ed, "I come from a good breed, I tell you that. Better than USDA approved." Is this another reference to the Italian thing? Or is there a cow somewhere in their gene pool? Chris sits on a dock and has a perfectly normal exchange with the Bradys. Barry says of Adrianne, "She looks terrific," but that's not exactly lecherous. Susan is chatty and Mike just does his thing. With Chris' real-life father, things are somewhat different. Back at the tent, Ed reveals that he has been checking out Chyna Doll! Ed asks Chris who Chyna Doll is. "She's built just like a man. Her shoulders are larger than her hips. Marvelous!" Then he keeps on lookin' and lookin' back! Hold up, did we pick the wrong target for our drinking game? Should we be more worried about Ed Knight checking out people's buns? Have we treated Barry Williams unfairly? (Barry, it's all done out of love. You deserve your own show. How about "Flavor of Brady"?) Chris and Adrianne flee the barbecue for one of VH1's patented romantic moments that swings rapidly from disgusting to sweet. First, Chris says on TV how much he loves Adrianne's boobs, and she suggests that he can marry them. Second, to prove his devotion to her or to her boobs, he gives her a lavish necklace. It looks pricey, but it still resembles a bike light on a chain. The Truth Comes Out Adrianne won't let Chris see her past sundown, so he drives off, and Adrianne and her mom take a limo trip. They are supposed to go to the salon for their own manicures and such, and they get champagne. (Since when did mixing booze and manicures become a trend?) Now that Adrianne's mom doesn't have Chris underfoot, she's ready to say what she thinks, and she thinks Chris and Ed are uppity. She has one message for those two: "Get over yourself!" Then she growls to Adrianne, "You weren't pampered on TV Land, and it's a good thing. There's a fine line between ignorance and arrogance." Feeling free of Chris' endless lecturing, Adrianne burps in agreement. Yes! Drink! Now the episode takes a happy turn. Everyone's got all the nastiness out of their systems. Adrianne admits, "I think we're a perfectly dysfunctional match." And that's reality TV heaven right there. As a reminder that the wedding won't solve all that dysfunction, Adrianne calls Chris on the eve of their wedding, and he falls asleep in the middle of their conversation. She says, "You are such an old guy!" No kiddin', sister. Drink up! The Big Day Adrianne calls Chris and salutes him with a big fat burp. There's another one! However, that burp isn't a sign that she's relaxed. She's all jittery and back to smoking. Both Chris and Adrianne fudge the rules a little bit regarding the drinking. Both of them have glasses of champagne in their respective limos. Adrianne declares, "I'm freaking out - in a calm type of way." That's one for thinking hard! Adrianne has another glass of champagne at church to settle herself. Then she gets strapped into her gown - and there are plenty of handcuff handbags amongst her bridesmaids, too! When it's time for the wedding, the church is packed, and, despite Chris' complaining, the church looks good. However, the temperature is blazing hot, and the church doesn't have an air conditioner. (Apparently there was a bathroom because Chris said he had to go, and he didn't look like he went for a tree, but it's not clear.) VH1 tries to make the most of all the dead space before Adrianne walks down the aisle. They slather Vaseline on the camera, and they bring back the telenovela lighting. They look like they will start speaking Spanish at any moment. Chris has one look on his face, which says, "I am so tapping a model!" After a delay and numerous shots of sweaty people, the wedding finally starts. The priest is a real joker, and he borrows Chris' hankie to dab the sweat off. It doesn’t take long before Adrianne starts crying in the middle of her vows, but it isn't long before they tongue each other and make it legal. Adrianne tells the camera, "I’m a taken woman. It's all good. This is what I wanted. This is what I waited for." The two leave in a carriage, and Adrianne is ready to party: "I know that I paid for an open bar for six hours." At the Rialto, where the reception takes place, photographers cluster around to take pictures of the newlyweds. Of course, Chris sees the cameras and says, "It's a nice thing to be around that many close friends." And their photographers. And their PR reps. Then, finally, Barry Williams comes through and gives us what we've been waiting for. He stands off to the side and says, "There's some hot chicks here. Let's get them away from the guys." To seduce the ladies, he sings a number devoted to Chris and Adrianne. Let's all hope that Barry did in fact meet a Ms. Right for Tonight! As the show winds down, VH1 uses a wedding album motif to show what happened at the wedding. They feed each other cake. Adrianne accidentally (or not-so-accidentally - this is Adrianne, after all) flashes the crowd. She also sneaks in a burp, which means you get a parting drink. The two head off for their honeymoon in Tahiti. Mercifully, Chris and Adrianne show some sense and decide to enjoy their honeymoon in private, although Adrianne hints that they will engage in Close Encounters of the Anderson-Lee Kind. Let's just hope they don't wind up creating My Fair Brady Season 3: We're Having a Brady Baby! |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Copyright © 1997-2009 Burlee LLC. All rights reserved. | Reprints | Privacy Policy | Disclosure | About Us/Contact Us | RSS Feed |