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ARTICLE
A Dose of Reality: Who Wants to Be a Superhero? - Week 2
by Paul Schultz Published: August 7, 2006
Who Wants to Be a Superhero? continues its weekly quest to find that certain someone exhibiting the qualities Stan Lee is looking for in a costumed hero. The group of contestants with their home-made attire reminded me of the time I went to the Chicago ComiCon (before it became the sanitized, elitist event it would shortly turn into) with my friend dressed in full Joker garb, complete with white-painted face and fake gun that shot out a little "Bang!" flag when discharged. Such dress netted him favorable approval
(and autographs) from the likes of Dick Sprang, Jim Aparo, and Dick Giordano, as well as an impromptu mock fight with a costumed Spider-Man. But, more importantly, it garnered the attention of a couple of lovely female
super-heroines that went by the names of "Capt. Cream" and "Lt. Luscious."
Beyond proving that expenses on costume material could be kept to a bare minimum (pun completely intended), the young ladies demonstrated a creativity for forging one's own superhero identity. So, while it might seem easy to make fun of grown-ups wearing spandex, the imagination that concocts an all-new superhero, complete with costume, powers, weapons and backstory, shows an inventiveness worthy of respect.
Stan Lee
The morning following the initial eliminations finds the remaining contestants
getting waylaid on their way to breakfast by Stan Lee's omnipresence. From a video screen he invites all to anonymously ask questions of anyone they think is not superhero material, and send them along to Stan the Man. Stan then reads off the questions and gives the person it is directed to an opportunity to respond. The first one asks why Creature doesn't wash her hair. I want to ask Creature why she doesn't use her bullwhip more, but that inquiry is beyond the scope of this recap, and I'll leave it relegated to my fantasies where it belongs. She responds by pointing out that if she washed her hair, she'd lose her powers (if the contestants had read each others' bios, they'd know this). Someone questions whether Fat Momma thinks she's a good role model for kids. She doesn't so much answer as to say she wouldn't be here if she didn't. Major Victory is unfairly questioned about the appropriateness of a superhero being a male stripper. Again, reading the bios will reveal that he's a former exotic dancer, and, for his part, he wants to point out the lessons he's learned, and to turn kids away from the mistakes he has made. Finally, the Iron Enforcer gets hammered with questions about steroid use (which he doesn't deny) and his reluctance to use deodorant. This whole session marked the first cruel portion of this series, and left a bad taste in the mouth for the remainder of this week's show.
Cast
Matthew Atherton, aka Feedback
Nel Wilson, aka Fat Momma
Tonatzin Mondragon, aka Lemuria
Steel Chambers, aka The Iron Enforcer
Mary Votava, aka Monkey Woman
Chris Watters, aka Major Victory
E. Quincy Sloan, aka Ty'Veculus
Tonya Kay, aka Creature
Chelsea Weld, aka Cell Phone Girl
The first challenge involves a little old lady who's locked herself out of her
house. Arriving on the scene in stretch Hummer limousine, our would-be heroes are informed that all they have to do is climb a fence, traverse the backyard, go through the back door and let the flummoxed senior citizen in. The parameters of the challenge will only include going up to the back door and touching it because, oh yeah, a couple of ferocious guard dogs patrol the back yard and will impede your progress.
The contestants get some puffy protective gear, and the audience gets a big warning that THESE ARE HIGHLY TRAINED ATTACK DOGS... DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! Ty'Veculus volunteers to go first (Creature exclaims, "Go right ahead!) and puts his weight forward as the dogs pounce on him to recreate a true comic book-y clash of titans visual. His alter-ego is a fireman and he figures he's got a good shot at completing the task. He drags the dogs with him and touches the door in 16 seconds. Creature goes next and is frighteningly dragged across the lawn by the two perturbed dogs. She takes this for about 12 seconds before yelling, "Uncle!" -- the signal to be given if a contestant wants to give up the challenge. Creature concludes her failure by... laughing, a little hysterically. The Iron Enforcer is all, like, "I'm a bouncer and won't have any trouble," and then proceeds to cause his own trouble by jumping the fence and waiting for the dogs to come to him, thus maximizing the distance he will have to travel to the back door. Brains and brawn, a deadly combination? He doesn't make progress and in 23 seconds gets to within a step of the door before inexplicably crying out, "Uncle!" Feedback successfully completes the task in 33 seconds. Fat Momma tries a hopelessly doomed attempt to distract the highly trained attack dogs by flinging donuts from her utility belt. Amusing, but doomed. She lasts all of 18 seconds before conceding. Major Victory hopes his name doesn't become Major Dogfood and, as in last week's challenge, flamboyantly completes his task successfully, in 17 seconds. Lemuria is knocked down right away and cries, "Uncle!" in 19 seconds. Cell Phone Girl squeaks, "Uncle!" a remarkable 4 seconds into the affair with complaints of a headache. She's a goner in this competition, for sure. Monkey Woman is determined, determined not to let Stan down again and declares that the dogs will have to kill her to keep her from reaching the door. She struggles for an astounding 9 minutes and 42 seconds before finally touching the door, and completing the task with a weak monkey yell.
"If the world is in grave danger, do we just ignore it because of a
headache?" This is the question Stan poses to Cell Phone Girl right before choosing her as one of three subject to the first elimination of the night. Joining her are Creature (for busting out laughing) and the Iron Enforcer (for
screaming, "Uncle!" like a little girl within reach of the door). Each is given a chance to convince Stan why they shouldn't be sent packing. Cell Phone Girl complains that she still has a headache, and that has to be the lamest excuse, ever... until the Iron Enforcer opens his mouth. Trying to
explain away his failure when he looks to be the strongest person of the group, he replies, "My spiritual side is my best quality." Creature is so safe from elimination right now, it's not even funny. But her giggling is what had indeed raised the ire of Stan the Man. She explains that in fearful or uncomfortable situations, she diffuses it with laughter. Expect much more
chuckling from the blonde beauty in the weeks to come. Cell Phone Girl is eliminated with Stan's declaration, "I'm afraid you're out of minutes." She takes off, apparently, enough of her costume to satisfy the Garbage Can of Failure, and the discarded garb is vaporized in a streak of lightning.
When the host consistently mispronounces your name, you can consider yourself on borrowed time. Thus is the lot of Lemuria, whom Stan constantly pronounces "Lumeria". After the tough previous challenge, Stan announces that each participant will be involved in a costume makeover. First is the aforementioned "Lumeria", who is led blindfolded to the
super-changing room. She comes out and removes the blindfold in front of a
mirror to get a good look at the new duds. Not too much has changed, though she does get some utilitarian straps to help keep "the girls" in. Next is
Ty'veculus, who gets a serious downgrade from his already-cool costume. You can tell Ty'veculus doesn't think too much of it either, with a "What?!?"
expression briefly crossing his face at the unveiling in front of the mirror.
Stan asks if he likes it, and he stoically declares with a smile, “Today, I am a
superhero.” His peers have no problem expressing their opinion of his new
costume. "You're Stan Lee's biggest fan," Feedback quips to Ty'veculus, staring at the huge feathery Mohawk monstrosity on his head. Ty'veculus decides to confront Stan -- except once he's in his presence he really doesn't. Rather, he hems and haws about the quality of his makeover until Stan lets him off the hook by telling him to go back to the old one. The rest have only minor improvements, mostly getting costumes that are a little tighter-fitting, and a new hair-do. Feedback does exactly what I would have done after see a cool new costume -- he ebulliently does a few kicks and karate moves to get the full effect. Creature's new look gives her a completely different air, with added makeup but still plenty of skin. The Iron Enforcer doesn't look different at all that I can tell, and Stan isn't satisfied. Something's missing, but he can't put his finger on it. He'll think about it and get back to him.
Up on the rooftop, one of our heroes faces imminent elimination. Stan
appears on the giant billboard screen across the street and informs the crew
that they are being judged at all times, and that the reaction to their
new costumes was closely monitored. Naturally, this makes Ty'veculus
extremely nervous. So it's no surprise to him when he's invited to step on one
of the Red Cubes of Fate. The other two to join him are the Iron Enforcer and
Feedback. Stan's not thrilled with Ty'veculus telling him he liked his new
costume when he didn't. Honesty is a hero's virtue, he's told, and Ty'veculus
pretty much lied to Stan's face when he said, "I love it!" Feedback is
chastised for making fun of Ty'veculus. The Iron Enforcer's head is on the block after every challenge and he doesn't seem to be winning fans among his teammates. Ultimately, Stan says he "can't get past the gun" and the Iron Enforcer is eliminated, tossing said gun and apparel into the Garbage Can of Failure. Fat Momma later comments that "it's sure gonna smell nicer around here."
The Iron Enforcer is duly pissed and exits the secret lair. He's interrupted
by Stan on a video screen in a dark alley. Stan has finally figured out what was wrong with his look. He was never meant to be a hero, but he would make a great super-villain! Stan asks if he'd be willing to make life more difficult for the remaining contestants, and the former Iron Enforcer readily agrees. A white portable makeover van pulls up and after some shaking and ominous lighting effects, out pops the black-clad Dark Enforcer!
