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by Paul Phillips Published: August 22, 2006
As my Aunt Julie so infamously says, BUT FIRST—after sucking up to Juror #1 Marcellas in their goodbye messages, the houseguests trash him in their diary room interviews (which is okay, since the sequestered Marcellas won’t see them). Says Mike Boogie, "Marcellas is a little ho. He left tonight exactly how I thought he would leave. He was a little baby who didn’t get his way. I am very happy that I was the orchestrator of his demise." Speaking of dark sides, between gleefully anticipating bedding Erika and then voting her out, and this bitching about Marcellas, Mike has been extremely unkind lately. To borrow the phrase Marcellas memorably used, Mike’s really coming off like a scumbag. When Marcellas was leaving Howie tried to hug him, but Marcellas pushed him back, as if to say, "Bitch, do not touch me. Let me walk out this house before I throw a fit the likes of which Big Brother has never seen." During the live show, I missed this. Big Brother was kind enough to replay it in slow motion. With Marcellas wearing the huge afro wig, it was reminiscent of Diana Ross bitch-slapping the airport security guards. Howie sneers, "Marcy did one of his diva little bitchy things." When you leave the house, Howard, I’m sure you’re going to do it with all the grace and dignity in the world. Last week, Will worked really hard on Janelle to get her to put up Marcellas. He swore he and Boogie wouldn’t vote Marcy out…but they did. The Legion of Doom was sure this would expose their alliance…but, amazingly, it didn’t. I thought Janelle would be infuriated—but she’s merely annoyed. "I had no idea that Marcellas was going to be voted out of the house. I was shocked…these people are liars. They all say they’re gonna do one thing and they do the complete opposite. I can’t believe that Marcellas left like that…I felt like a real idiot." Will, Boogie and James all completely played Janelle—but she just doesn’t get it. How can she not see what’s going on? At this point, I think Janelle has no chance of getting to the finals. But if she pulls her head out of her ass, she might be able to rebound and stick around for a few more weeks. If not…she’s gone the second she doesn’t have immunity. George reacts to his HOH victory with utter disbelief: "I can’t believe I won. I have no idea how I won that thing." In fact, George seems more surprised than anyone. This is a man who really believes in himself. There’s only 8 people left, George—you had pretty decent odds. But it’s like winning a competition never even crossed George’s mind. In the diary room, Danielle laughs: "Did I lose to Chicken George? He is the most scariest player in this game ‘cause you now why?" She leans forward. Tell us, Danielle. Why? "No one knows what he’s doing." Including, it seems, George himself. That’s not entirely true. George’s reasons for nominating James and Erika actually make sense. "James was an easy one. James had nominated me." Of Erika, George says "That was really hard for me to do that. James really was my true target. Erika was just a pawn." Remember, George was minding his business, being a good, obedient slave, making Philly Cheese Steaks for Howie and scrubbing the toilet till it was sparkling clean, when James tried to cut his throat. But James still goes into his pissy/indignant mode: "It’s on, Fat Man, it’s on." He tells Howie, "Your Jedi alliance mate, he’s a goner. He nominated the wrong f*cking person." If you nominate someone and they survive, they are COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED in nominating you. Grow a pair and deal with it, James. But James sniffs, "He’s got two days of power. Then his ass is mine." Try to get his ass before he goes back on the slop. I hear there’s some pretty noxious gas coming out of there. We make the trip up to George’s HOH room. Howie sees the picture of George’s three daughters and exclaims, "George, your daughters are hot. Oh!" George’s daughters are hot. Alison looked great in her bikini. And you hated to see Diane go because she was such a sexy little piece. You don’t have to do this anymore, Howie. We all know. More importantly…you don’t ogle and leer at a man’s young teenage daughters. It’s like Howie’s about to say, "Oh yeah, I love the perky little boobies on her. What’s she, an A cup still? Sweet." One of the daughter looks like she’s only 10. George just says a terse, "I know, Howie, I know." But there’s a warning in his voice, like, "You keep talking about my children like that and this fat old man is gonna beat the piss out of you." George gets letters from home. Oh, goody! He’s gonna weep like a little girl! Like Shane from last season’s Survivor. And I probably will too. Wonderful. I haven’t had a good cry since George put aside his pride and accepted the slop pass from Marcellas. But wait: George starts to read the letter…they cut away…and when they go back, HE’S DONE. No tears streaming down his face. No choked sobs. George is a touch misty, but THAT’S IT. I wanted to see a grown man cry. You cheated me, Big Brother! Danielle is not pleased about George’s nominations: "He knows the entire house wants Janelle or Howie gone. For him to make a nomination like that is just like, ‘What are you thinking?’" He’s thinking of what’s best for him—not what’s best for the Legion of Doom. George’s nominations were pretty on-target: yes, George is with Danielle and Erika—sort of. But they’re only keeping him around because they have no reason not to. As soon as it’s time for one of their own to go, they’re gonna cut George loose without thinking twice. I think George might be able to go further with Howie and Janelle. They desperately need allies, and if you’re gonna hitch your wagon to someone, Janelle is an excellent choice (see: Howie’s strategy). I don’t think George consciously realizes any of this; he’s just following his gut. But I think, even if it’s sort of by accident, George made the right move. Targeting James makes perfect sense for George. Targeting Chill Town would’ve been even smarter. As for Chill Town, Mike Boogie is not happy George had to do live, on-the-spot nominations: they didn’t have time to work on him, and influence his decision. They’re hoping they can convince him to backdoor Janelle. Better hurry up, guys…’cause Janelle’s up there working on George now. For some reason, Janelle is wearing a white mime face. Okay, I guess it’s her exfoliating beauty cream. But she looks like a mime. Usually Janelle does the wheeling and dealing while Howie sits back and eats. But since mimes don’t talk, Howie works on George, Jedi to Jedi. "We did everything we could last week to keep you off the block and we did. And there was people from your alliance fighting to get you on the block to get you voted off." Slowly, almost in disbelief, George says: "So we’re debating on what to do here." Yes, George, someone’s actually talking strategy with you, instead of just telling you what to do. Howie and Janelle ask, If the veto is used, will George backdoor them? George immediately answers No. "If I was gonna go after you guys I already would’ve done it. Why would I go after you guys?" Janelle is relieved. In the diary room, she says she really trusts George. Of course, Janelle trusts Will too, so clearly her judgment is shaky, to say the least. Janelle says, "For once I feel safe. It’s just really bizarre. Thank god for George." This is what I’m talking about. Janelle and Howie are much less likely to screw George over because for them, he’s the best game in town. Onto the veto competition. In another blow to Janelle, she isn’t selected to play—so if James or Erika win, she could go up. The backyard has been transformed into a magical forest, with little gnome statues all around. I liked this: Will says, "There are three things I hate in life: robot clowns, baby corn and freaky little gnomes." I’m not exactly sure what a robot clown is. But I’m right there with Little Willy on the baby corn. I mean, it’s not actually corn, right? So what is it? Why is it so freaking small? And why on Earth would I want to put it in my salad? The players are shackled to the ground by their ankles (the gnomes are "holding them captive"). The key to their lock is hanging several feet away, and they have to tape together a bunch of assorted crap from previous challenges to reach the key. The BB producers are so at a loss for decent challenges they’re just directly copying them from Survivor. Howie is feeling good about his chances: "I started taping together my Flinstone golf club to a hula hoop. I felt pretty confident I was gonna win my first veto in Big Brother history." Don’t stop believing, Big Boy. Mike Boogie, though hateful, is more in touch with reality: "It’s a little sad for Janelle to have to stand on the sidelines and watch her only hope in Howie, who can barely tie his shoelaces." That made me laugh. The "Veto King" is back: James easily wins. And I was so sure Howie was gonna win his first veto in Big Brother history…maybe next time. James tells George: "Obviously I’m here for another week because my name is not Marcellas. It’s James. And I use vetoes." Your name’s not Marcellas, but you’re almost as bitchy. George is going to have a name a replacement nominee, so the houseguests immediately start working on him. I do loves me my Chicken Man, but, bless his big ol’ heart, George is easily manipulated. George, like all of us, just wants to be liked. So all you really have to do is be nice to him, and he’s pretty much yours. Erika has figured this out. George is telling her how overwhelmed he feels, and Erika says he can’t play the game alone anymore; he needs to confide in someone. George: "I feel like I don’t have anybody." Sweetly, gently, Erika says: "You have me." She’s got him. "Alright, Erika. I’ll tell you what we’ll do. From now on I’ll work with you." In the diary room Erika beams: "Guess what? Georgie and I are now in a new alliance. Very interesting." It’s really just a little interesting. The only time Erika was very interesting was when she was showering with Boogie, Will and Janelle. I would say "Atta girl, good for you, Erika". But I fear George is going to enter into a new alliance with anyone and everyone he speaks to. Mike Boogie also drops by the HOH bedroom, to "help" George decide who to put up. Boogie asks George, "What do you think the house as a general whole wants?" "James," George answers. Boogie talks to George impatiently, as if he’s a child. "But no, I mean in the big picture." By "what the house wants" I mean "what I want". Mike informs George that Janelle and Howie didn’t keep George off the block—Chill Town did. Mike "advises" George to take out the biggest threat…which would be Janelle. I couldn’t really follow what Boogie was saying after that, but I think it basically boiled down to him threatening George: if you’re not with us, you’re against us. But inside this Chicken beats the heart of a lion. Or at least a really feisty domestic shorthair. He has a strong, stubborn streak—which kept him alive when James nominated him. George cryptically says: "I know what I gotta do, Boogie. I know what I gotta do." Will George buckle under the intimidation? Not my Chicken Man. He tells Janelle, "The whole house wants you out. You know, Janelle, you’re a good player. For me to do that to you would be to go against every principle that I stand for. I can’t do it to you. But I do want something in return, okay?" It’s been a long 50 days, Janelle. A long time to be away from the missus. A man has needs, okay? No, George simply wants to join up with them. Janelle and Howie gladly take the deal, but Howie’s still a touch paranoid. "Are you gonna try to sell me out, Georgie?" Is Howie psychic? Erika, George’s OTHER new alliance, gets him alone, and he tells her he’s going to nominate Will. Erika freaks out. A very quiet, uninteresting freakout. Erika’s sure if it’s her and Will, the house will keep Will. "That’s the worst thing you can do. I will go home. I’m gone." Erika promises George she won’t tell anyone what he’s planning. Then she runs downstairs and tells everyone what he’s planning. There’s tension in the air as the gang waits for the veto ceremony to begin. Howie notes, "Georgie was all stressed out. I think I saw fever blisters coming out, sweat dripping down the side of his face." In the diary room, Boogie says "Chicken George can be influenced by just about anybody in this house and I wanted to be sure that my voice was the last one heard before the veto ceremony." And Mike confronts George about nominating Will. Mike’s argument basically is: Why nominate Will when you could nominate somebody else? George answers, "I figure the Doctor’s the best player in the game." George is right. Will is the shrewdest, most cunning player in Big Brother history, and he’s walking away with the game. Boogie again insists, It was he and Will who saved George last week. George asks Janelle: Is that true? And here’s where it gets interesting: instead of saying "of course it's not true! I'm on your side, Georgie!"...Janelle just mumbles that she was going to nominate either Boogie, George, or Marcellas. George then gives Howie a chance to defend himself. This is simple, Howie. George already loves you; just invoke the Jedi Force and tell him how much you respect him and what a great guy he is you’ll win him over no problem. George turns to Howie: "Howie, what do you have to say?" Howie looks a little disoriented. Did we wake you? Then Howie says: "Um…I don’t know. I think we’ve covered everything." Super. Don’t, I don't know, fight to stay in the game or anything. James calls everyone to the veto ceremony, where he vetoes himself. And now it's all George. He says: "Boogie, I’m glad you talked. Boogie did save me. The Doctor saved me. Janelle, I won’t go after you because you played the game very well. And Dani…I won’t go after you. There’s only one person left, Howie…" Suddenly Howie remembers: oh, yeah, he's playing a game. "You promised me twice, Georgie. And you want to listen to the people that tried to sell your ass out last week." If Howie had given this impassioned speech FIVE MINUTES AGO, he could’ve saved himself. What a freakin’ moron. You deserve whatever you get, Howie. From here, Howie goes on a rant, and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense: "They’re impossibly outnumbered. It’s a free week for me Georgie, it’s a free week. I saved you last week, Georgie. I was probably one of the most motivational reasons for it. But your allies decided to sell you under the bus last week. You were expendable to them. He doesn’t count, he’ll never win an HOH. We’ll keep our three intact." George looks like he’s going to cry. "Howie, I don’t want to do this. But you’re the only one left." "That’s fine, Georgie. You get influenced by people. Oh, you’ve never been nominated, never had a rocket shot at him. We have to take away someone’s crutch, someone’s helper, someone’s partner. Fine. ‘Cause the joke’s on them this week, Georgie. The joke is on them." Howie’s this close to calling George "Busto" and making fun of his fat wife, so Will and Janelle take him away and try to calm him down. And Will translates Howie’s rant: Howie was apparently invoking his alliance with Chill Town, saying he has the votes to stay, so the joke is on Erika and Danielle. Thank you, Will. Howie’s plan? "I can go personally attack George. ‘You lied to me twice to my face, and put me up’." Attacking someone is always a good way to persuade people to keep you in the house. Will explains to Howie a little thing called "self-control": "You can’t yell at a 47 year-old man." Will turns to Janelle. "Can you control him? He’s your alliance." Will and Janelle are like guidance counselors trying to reign in a drugged-up, rampaging teenager. Janelle says, "Howie, you need to settle down. Quit being afraid to talk to people and quit yelling at people!" Howie starts campaigning to stay. And here’s where we see the glaring difference between a player like Howie, and a player like Will. Will gets what he wants by using charm. By being clever. Howie has all the finesse of an angry bull running towards the red cloth. Almost manic, he asks Mike Boogie: "Are you gonna keep me? Seriously? Are you gonna keep me? Bros before hos." Does that expression make anyone else cringe? Mike says Yes, of course he’s keeping Howie. Mike then goes to the exercise room…and Howie follows him. "Bros before hos? Am I staying? I’m staying? I’m staying?" Well, this is uncomfortable. I almost felt bad for Boogie. Almost. Howie is losing it, and it is just fascinating. I wish we had more time to watch Howie unravel. But it’s time for… THE EVICTION Julie asks if the winner of the Coup d’Etat wants to use their power, and again Mike stays silent. They vote "live", with James and Janelle voting for Erika, and Will, Boogie and Dani voting for Howie. By a vote of 3-2, Howie is evicted. Howie gives Janelle a big hug, and tells her to win it for Season 6. He says civil goodbyes to Erika, Danielle and George…but we can feel the anger bubbling right under the surface. Then Howie comes face to face with Boogie. This is gonna be good. Howie snatches Boogie’s neon orange fedora right off his head and throws it across the room, sneering: "Thanks for the sellout, Buddy." Mike scoffs, "Classy move. Another class act leaves the Big Brother house." Howie gets right in Mike’s face…close enough to kiss him. You never know. There’s a thin line between anger and passion. "Right to my face, lied to me, you little punk!" You know for the people in the room, this was one of those heart-pounding, "oh my God" moments, like: Oh sh*t. They’re gonna fight. As James gets between them (he’s braver than I thought—you didn’t see Will trying to break it up, did you?) Boogie unleashes his inner thug: "Get to steppin’, Howie. Go get a life, Dog." And as I predicted, Howie leaves the house with all the grace and dignity in the world. Howie meets Julie outside, and asks about his bag: "Where can I put this, Julie?" Anywhere you want, Big Boy. Just don’t hit me. The HOH competition consisted of more dumb questions, and real-life little people dressed as gnomes, hitting the houseguests in the face with pies. It comes down to Janelle and Mike Boogie…and guess who wins. No, not Janelle—this time Boogie takes it. He’s on a winning streak. Boogie, of course, nominates Janelle. But guess who wins the veto? |
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