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by Paul Phillips Published: August 29, 2006
It’s Day 43, and we open with the cast in a "beautiful mountain setting" for this week’s Fit Camp. Ant says "We’re approaching the halfway point of our journey and our two teams are at a dead heat. So each team is gonna vote one of its members to the other side." Everyone is shocked and dismayed. Actually, the Fat Crushers are probably just acting shocked and dismayed—they’re no doubt quite relieved to cut the dead weight that is Angie Stone. Angie is—no surprise—voted over to the red team. The red team votes out their team Captain, and one of my favorite people in the world, Carnie Wilson. Ted explains, "I think Carnie and Angie are evenly matched." Actually, Angie’s a lazy, whining sack, and Carnie is a strong, inspiring woman. So you’re wrong, chump. Be careful, Ted and Tina. Other than making fun of your careers, which left the building 20 years ago, I’ve been nice to you. But you mess with Carnie Wilson, you mess with me. Carnie seems a little hurt, but she takes it like a champ and moves over to the blue team. Ant tells the red team that at the weigh-in tomorrow they’ll need to name their new Captain. Vincent says, "I’m ready to give it to you now: Ted." Angie immediately throws her hands up and pouts, "I’m going home. Why ya’ll gotta make me feel like doo-doo?" I’m pretty sure that was in no way an attack on Angie. Why ya’ll gotta overreact? Everyone asks Angie what she’s crying about, and she tells Vinny: "Who made you the spokesman? You can’t make that call. It’s a team effort here." Vinny says Okay, who does Angie want to be Captain? Angie declares, "I want to be the Captain. I’m the head person in charge over here. Let me show you what I can do, dammit." How is Angie, brand new team member, demanding to be Captain any fairer than Vinny nominating Ted? And by the way, we’ve already seen what you can do, Angie. We weren’t impressed. The ladies are in the camper, fueling up on fruit before the Fit Camp starts, when they smell smoke. Erika calls to the Powder Room: "Angie? Are you smoking?" Ant’s voiceover comments that smoking is "not the best choice for someone who has battled heart problems and is about to undergo a rigorous fit camp." Indeed. And here Angie offers her first excuse of the night, the old "I took a nasty, stinkin’ dump so I lit a match" excuse. Working hard to sell this, Angie explains: when one makes a smell that’s less-than-ladylike, one must "strike a match. That’s what you smell." You’re not fooling anyone, Angie. In this Fit Camp, the teams have to complete a 2-mile circular hike through the hills. The first team to get all four members to the finish line wins a getaway to a spa in Palm Springs. The blue team sprints off. Over on the red team, Ted and Tina sprint off. Vinny and Angie? Not so much. They hobble away, arms linked together like two senior citizens determinedly making their way up to the early bird buffet. Before long, Angie can’t even keep up her .5 mile/hr pace; she has to stop. Ted’s team has won every Fit Camp, but, says Ant, "with Angie now grinding the team to a halt Ted’s competitive spirit and his patience are being tested." Ted complains, "That Bitch ain’t gonna do sh*t. Give me a f*cking break here." Whoa. Isaac’s got a dark side. That’s what you get for voting Carnie out. Vinny, who just had heart surgery a year ago, is super-sensitive to Angie’s condition. "It’s her heart. She can’t breathe." The medic swoops in to give Angie some oxygen. But she apparently has enough oxygen to give us excuse #2: "I don’t think you guys understand what Congestive Heart Failure is. It stops your breathing." I don’t think Angie understands what laziness is. "I’m not gonna kill myself for a Palm Springs vacation." A pack of smokes? Maybe. A few slices of carrot cake? Bet on it. But a Palm Springs vacation? Keep it. Over on the blue team, Bone’s not feeling right: "This ain’t normal, Crusher." He’s having a hard time, which is understandable, since he’s 400 lbs.—200 lbs. heavier than Angie. But his team gives him a pep talk and Bone soldiers on. Ted, meanwhile, takes pity on a sister and helps Angie: "Put your arm around me." I guess he’s figured out the only way to get her to the finish line is to drag her there himself. Meanwhile, as Ant says, "the formerly dysfunctional blue team is now the picture of harmony." And they easily win the Fit Camp. Let’s think about this. Angie’s on the blue team…and they lose everything. The moment Carnie joins them…they win. Who’s sorry now, red team? Angie just wants to sit down and have a cigarette, but Tina gets all in her face. Tina gives Angie a tough love speech, no doubt borrowed from the Family Ties script where Jennifer has to motivate Mallory to get in shape for cheerleading tryouts. Tina says Angie needs to start working out, so she’s ready for the next Fit Camp. Angie says "It’s my heart. You don’t understand." But Tina insists, "You’ve gotta exercise. That’s the only thing that’s gonna save your heart." Even Angie’s buddy Bone won’t accept her excuses: "Look at Vinny. He had bypass surgery. He has a zipper on his chest. Don’t use that as a crutch." Angie, of course, doesn’t want to hear any of this, calls for her car, and takes off. And she’s already ready to quit: "I don’t feel like I belong to either team, for real. I really wish I could cancel the show." That’s the spirit. We report to the Weigh-In Chamber, and Angie’s already got some big ol’ tears brimming, trying to make everyone feel bad for her. Tina’s a little gentler this time, and she tries to comfort/motivate Angie: "Angie, we’re doing this together. We’re all in the same situation. We’re on a team and we’re gonna pull through all of this and get you as healthy and healthier than you’ve ever been." But Angie reminds Tina that her weight problems are worse than anyone else’s—you see, nobody’s challenge is bigger than poor Angie’s. People like this drive me nuts. "When you’re not physically able to compete with everybody… Nobody has my issues. My battle is not just with climbing up a hill or running from snakes. My battles is within my joints. Within my blood stream. Within my heart valves." Um, Vincent has heart issues too but you don’t hear him complaining. Yet. "I am the least healthy one here," Angie continues. "I got two children and I told ya’ll from the gate. When I stopped breathing on that road, I thought about my kids. And I said, 'To hell with everything and everybody.'" So you can’t exercise…because you’re a good mother. That’s a creative spin. Angie weigh in this week at 211—she only lost 1 lb. Dr. Ian points out: "Yesterday at lunch you ordered a pastrami sandwich. I walked up to you, I said ‘Angie, I don’t think you should be eating the pastrami sandwich." HANDS ON YOUR HEAD. BACK AWAY FROM THE PASTRAMI SANDWICH, ANGIE. "You said to me, ‘I’m hungry. I’m-a eat me this pastrami.’ Then you got carrot cake." Well, it’s got carrots in it. She thought it was healthy. Angie ate pastrami and carrot cake THE DAY BEFORE WEIGH-IN? Even I’m not that brazen. You weigh in…THEN you go to McDonald’s. Angie’s defense is: "It don’t need to be here if we don’t need to eat it." So it’s Fit Club’s fault for giving her the sandwich. As Angie continues to whine, the other players, whispering in the background, start turning on her. Says Ted: "I’ve got to bite my tongue." Carnie: "She’s got a lot of excuses." And Angie comes up with a brand-new excuse: she couldn’t walk through the hills…because she’s terrified of snakes. This is so laughable…that the other contestants start LAUGHING AT HER. It’s more like suppressed giggles, but still, I can’t believe Angie didn’t hear them. Harvey cuts through all Angie’s crap: "It wasn’t about Angie’s heart on that hike. I don’t even want to hear the excuses no more, Angie, we’re done with it." Angie is aghast: Excuses? What do you mean? I’ve never made an excuse until today! Yeah, but you made like twenty excuses today. Harvey is great: he’s sensitive to Angie’s health issues, but he wants her to get healthy—he really cares. And he’s incredibly frustrated by Angie’s refusal to bite the bullet and do what she has to do: "You have to start somewhere. You have to have the self-discipline to get in the fight, Angie, and put all the bullsh*t aside." Angie’s target next week is "no damn excuses", and a loss of 6 lbs. Bone Crusher is up next, and he’s down 4 lbs., to 397. He’s under 400! Good job, Bone. This week, Bone got a chance to "throw his weight around": he Sumo wrestled. They put Bone in the ring with this poor little guy who looked like he’s half Bone’s weight. And Bone, of course, crushes him. Bone’s target next week is 8 lbs. Next is Tina, who’s named the new Captain of the red team. Now we know why she wanted Carnie out. I’m watching you, Tina Yothers. Their new team name is "Hot Buttered Soul", which is just weird. Tina is really embracing the program, and it shows: she’s down an amazing 8 lbs. to 173. Dr. Linda asks: As the new team Captain, how is Tina going to motivate Angie? Excellent question. Tina says she does understand where Angie’s coming from, since she lost her father to heart disease. Tina wishes she could talk to her father, and motivate him. But since she can’t, "I’m gonna have the conversation with you every day. Your tour, your career, your bills mean absolutely nothing if you’re not here. We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna work as a team. We need to put our priorities in line and do it and we will." I’m pissed off at Tina and even I’m inspired. She’s like Angie’s Life Coach. Harvey looks like he’s about to cry tears of joy. He just whispers, "Awesome." This week they sent Carnie back to conquer her fear of the rock wall. As if that’s not bad enough…Dr. Linda tags along. While Carn climbs Dr. Linda stands at the bottom and babbles, "Wonderful. Well done. No negative thoughts…" Yes, Dr. Linda is an amazing clinician. Halfway up, Carnie again starts freaking out…but she digs deep, keeps going and makes it to the top. Great job, Carnie! This week Carnie has lost 3 lbs. Vincent steps on the scale…and he gained 2 lbs. Ouch. Says Vinny, "I know why. ‘Cause I’m working out and this fat is turning into muscle." This elicits a chuckle from the panel, and Dr. Ian informs Vinny that fat doesn’t magically transform into muscle; it’s a myth. Dr. Ian has heard that Vinny’s on "The Vinny Diet", which basically is "a little bit of this, a little bit of that". That’s kind of how I’ve been doing Weight Watchers lately, and it’s not all that effective. Dr. Ian asks, "You have a little cake last week?" "No," Vinny answers emphatically, "I haven’t had a piece of cake in a month." But Dr. Ian won’t be fooled. "Did you take a teaspoon of cake last week?" Wow. It’s like a Sopranos episode, Vinny stripped to his briefs, tied to a chair, a bright light shining on him, and Dr. Ian pistol-whipping him: Don’t lie to me, Vinny. Did you eat the f*ckin’ cake? Did you eat the f*ckin’ cake!? Vinny grudgingly admits, "Yeah, I did." Vin’s target for next week is 6 lbs. The always dapper-looking Ted hits the scale, and meets his goal of 3 lbs. That lowlife degenerate Dr. Linda manages to refrain from asking Ted about his sex life this week. Oh! I just figured out why: Ted and Dr. Linda did the deed. She’s trying to keep it on the down-low. Don’t worry, you two. Your secret’s safe with me. And here’s where beautiful, delicious Hell breaks loose. Vincent wants to know why some people, like Ted, only have to lose 3 lbs. while some people, like Vincent, have to lose 6 lbs. It seems pretty obvious, but Harvey explains that the more you have to lose, the higher your target. Duh. Vinny: "But when I started off I came in losing 14 lbs. Now I can’t lose the weight. I’m working out every day and I can’t lose the weight. So now you’re telling me I gotta lose 6 lbs. and if not you’re gonna embarrass me again. You’re gonna embarrass me again! I’m getting tired of this!" Vincent is this close to calling his boys in Jersey and putting a hit out on the panel. Dr. Ian says They don’t mean to embarrass anyone, Vinny can lose the weight, he just had a bad week. Vincent: "Why’d I have a bad week? Why, ‘cause I gained two pounds? Maybe I’m constipated." Could be. I always try to make a good B.M. before I weigh in. Vinny thinks he’s being ridiculed because he gained, and Angie’s being attacked because she had a hard time at Fit Camp. And Vinny goes into flying off the handle/wild exaggeration mode: "She almost had a heart attack!" The panel insists that Angie did not almost have a heart attack; all her activity is approved by her doctor. Angie takes this as her cue to start in again, and Harvey cuts her off: "Angie, look, did you think it would be all red roses around here?" Angie fires back, "I don’t think it’s gonna be none of that, but I am a human being! Man, I can go home right now. I don’t need to be here." Ted finally can bite his tongue no longer. He shouts: "My 3 lbs. are not gonna be easy. Your 6 lbs. are not gonna be easy. That’s why you f*cking showed up! Now these guys here are gonna give you the tools to lose the 6. So f*cking lose the 6!" Holy sh*t. Isaac’s got a big ol’ pair of balls. Who knew? Angie suddenly rises: "I’m gonna get the hell outta here. All this yelling in my ear is ridiculous." And she walks out. Ant asks, "The question is, after this long, emotional night is Celebrity Fit Club falling apart?" I’d say yes. An even bigger question: Did we actually get through a whole Fit Club without Nick screaming at someone? And we find out the real reason for the "TO BE CONTINUED": we’re not getting a new Fit Club for two weeks, and they want to make sure we come back. Relax, VH-1. I'll be there. Next time: Angie makes some more excuses, and threatens to quit again. As my Dad says, Sh*t or get off the pot, Angie. Also, "former Fit Club phenom" Gary Busey offers inspiration, telling the celebs to "inject it with Victor juice". Um…inject what? And who’s Victor? |
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