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by Caroline Roberts Published: September 3, 2006
By feelings, we can assume that he means his sexual urges because Flav can't resist the ladies who appeal to him on a physical level. Last season, even Gitte said that Goldie was as true as could be, and Flav said he wanted a woman who could "keep it real," but Goldie didn't have the body he wanted. While Like Dat isn't as cool as Goldie, the show sets her up as the kind of woman who really does "keep it real." In fact, she tries too hard to be real because she's still hassling Buckwild, who isn't hurting anyone with the way she talks. Like Dat isn't on the show to be famous. She's certainly not there to be on a music video because no one's going to put her in a video unless it's Richard Simmons' "Sweatin' to the Oldies." From the very first episode, Flav said that she was the woman he understood the best. But there's one big problem between Flav and Like Dat, and that's Like Dat's behind. While Flav loves big bottoms, there's an upper limit, and he won't cross it. The other girls think Like Dat is weird because she doesn't seem to care where the cameras are. In fact, she forgets. In the beginning of the episode, she's propped up in bed with a hoodie and heavy black glasses, which gives her a Unabomber vibe. Buckeey, who looks like she would never leave the house without makeup, is disgusted when Like Dat drinks milk straight from the jug and burps. Buckeey confesses, "Like Dat is a different type of woman. Like Dat is from New York, and a lot of women I've met from New York are very, very nasty." The fact that she drinks milk from the jug makes me like her more! The best reality-show moments happen when people forget that the cameras are around, and Like Dat doesn't seem to care about the cameras. But, despite all he says, is that the kind of woman Flav truly wants? It's Not Really Hard Out There for a Pimp The presence of a television camera and the potential for celebrity will reveal how "real" a person is. If you want to date someone "real," then don't find your mate through a televised dating show. But, if you insist on going on a televised dating show, then see just how far your potential mates will go to be famous. Flav decides to put his women to the ultimate test -- to see if they're on the show to be famous or to be with him. When Big Rick brings the Flav-O-Gram, Buckwild reads that there's going to be a pool party with a bunch of his friends. But when Flav says his homies will be at the pool party, he means it. The pool party guests aren't washed-up rap stars, but the latest in big names -- the Ying Yang Twins, Lloyd Banks and Young Buck of G-Unit, and the Oscar-winning Three 6 Mafia. (Live it and love it -- that's the "Oscar-winning Three 6 Mafia.") That's not all. DJ Quik and Warren G are there. AND former pimp, spiritual guru, Daily Show tax consultant, and all-around fashion plate Don Magic Juan. Check out this guy's website. He needs his own reality show! Before anyone knew who would be there, who is out cleaning the backyard? Like Dat, Buckwild, and Bootz (and maybe Beautuful, although that girl must be hiding from the camera). Most of the other girls are inside dolling themselves up. A special reprieve goes to Nibblez, though, because she did clean Warren G's toilet. Like Dat is steamed that she worked while the others primped, and Buckeey says -- to the camera, not to Like Dat -- "Get over it, fat ass. I don't care." Flav emerges wearing a money bathrobe, and he tells the women to be hospitable, which is awfully open-ended given that at least one of the women knows how to work a stripper pole.. Everyone is on pins and needles expecting a cavalcade of the elderly, but then Big Rick transforms into a hype man and announces the illustrious rap guests. Finally, Big Rick gets a moment in the spotlight! The girls crowd around the guests, and Bootz wastes no time before shaking her rump in the presence of the Ying Yang Twins. The Ying Yang Twins test her and offer her a spot in her music video if she'll let them touch her salt shaker. There's a long "Flavlation" in which VH1 translates whatever one of the Ying Yang Twins said as "I admire your hindquarters." (I've never heard a white person say "hindquarters" unless they're talking about a horse, thank you, VH1.) Yet Bootz remembers what she's there for and resists the temptation, pledging allegiance to Flav. Meanwhile, Like Dat shakes her own behind. I admire her confidence. After cannonballing into the pool to prove that she can have fun, she then screams, "I represent Jersey City and the big girls of America!" Speaking of confidence and the lack thereof, Nibblez forgets that she doesn't have to please the roadies in order to access the band. Even though she can get at the big rap acts, even though they are right in front of her, Nibblez "takes it upon herself to make sure the entourage feels just as welcome." To do that, she finds a big old fella and rubs herself all over him. She says, "I know the joy of a big belly!" Aim higher, Nibblz! You're on a tee-vee show with Oscar-nominated rappers. Aim high! People in my apartment building agreed. As I was watching the show, I heard someone holler, "NIBBLZ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, GIRL???" Nibblez winds up barfing in the toilet, and who is taking care of her heaving butt? Like Dat. Like Dat must have been a resident advisor or a camp counselor. Who Hasn't Heard of "911 Is a Joke"? The answer to that question is Krazy. The Three 6 Mafia senses something's off about Krazy, and they ask her why she's there. One of them says, "You don’t know nothin' about Flav." She acts like she knows all about him, but she can't even bust out a lame rap of "911 Is a Joke." Seriously. She's old enough to know Public Enemy's biggest hit, and she should at least be able to hum it. And then she gets mad at Deelishis for not helping her. What does she expect? Look, if you are going on a reality show, you should know a little bit about the person you hope to date. No wonder Flav and the Three 6 Mafia make up a Schoolhouse Rock song teaching Krazy about the wonders of Google. When Flav and his buddies reconvene and evaluate the women, several of them say that he should "throw [Krazy] into the pool." They all respect Like Dat, but "as a homie." One of them says of Like Dat, "If somebody started kicking your ass, she'd start kicking their ass!" Later on, Like Dat gets into yet another fight with Buckwild regarding the way Buckwild talks. And she makes Buckwild cry! Buckwild didn't do anything to her! Like Dat is pretty cool, and I root for her, but I'm not sure why she's picking on Buckwild. If she wants to pick on a phony, then she should pick on Krazy. Buckwild says, "I don't want nobody to think I'm a racist." Then again, like Krazy and Deelishis, who appeal to Flav's male impulses, Like Dat and Buckwild are the two contestants who appeal to the other side of Flav - the "keeping it real" side. Even though they look nothing alike, Flav appears to respect them and enjoy their company. Like Dat is clearly trying to eliminate her direct rival through intimidation. It almost works because Buckwild starts packing her bags, and Like Dat realizes she should let up a little. Like Dat tells Buckwild to stand up for herself instead of leaving the house, and Buckwild manages to forgive her, at least for the moment. She says, "I'm a lover. I love everybody! Even Like Dat!" So there's a little reconciliation. I Like You As a Homie Flav uses the evening's clocking ceremony as an excuse to get his loving on with women who have been neglected in the past. Number one on the list is Buckeey, and he is inflamed by "that big old apple she got back there! She got the applesauce!" After Bootz and Krazy brawl over Krazy's fakery, Flav also holds a private pool party with Bootz, who scores major points when she risks her weave to get close to Flav. That's love. Poor Like Dat is feeling jealous: "Why is everybody else getting time with the brother, and I don't? I got my little cha cha heels. I got my outfits. I wanna be in that room, too, man!" (If you've seen Female Trouble, hold your tongue.) While all the little girls run around screeching in their high-pitched voices about who is the bigger slut, Like Dat decides it's time to roll the dice. She visits Flav's suite wearing a "KISS THE COOK" apron, and she reassures him that he won't get crushed if she rolls over on him. Then she breaks out an impressive assortment of "big-girl lingerie." Even though he makes a few faces when her back is turned, Flav tries hard to treat her with respect and sends her on her way. He reprimands himself for getting a case of the giggles, "She's a nice girl -- don't do that to her." He turns to his piano and starts composing a song called, "She's a big one." The Clocking Ceremony Who's gonna go? Well, if Flav were smart, he would show Krazy the door and at least give Like Dat a cuddle before eliminating her the next week. At least Krazy would learn a lesson about doing better research before auditioning for reality shows. But Flav is a man whose nether regions speak louder than his brain. This clocking ceremony is a real roller coaster: Bootz - any woman who will get her weave wet is worth keeping Krazy - Flav says it's for her "strength," but it's really for her looks and he didn't learn a dang thing from season one Buckeey - of course Buckwild - who also hasn't had much Flav alone time, but Flav likes her Deelishis - who thought she got rid of Krazy this week Nibblez - for just being Nibblez That leaves Beautuful and Like Dat. Where has Beautuful been? I thought for sure that Flav would eliminate her by saying, "Hey, I forgot you were on the show!" She only popped up a few times, and the only time she spoke substantially was during the clocking ceremony. She's pretty, but she just fades right into the background, and she hasn't pushed for her alone time, either. Then Flav drops his bomb. After all the advice from his pals to drop Krazy, Flav decides he's not even going to keep Like Dat around for companionship. She's out, in favor of a girl the audience barely even knows. This was a bad move. Even though she picks on Buckwild, Like Dat was fun. On the bright side, at least Flav and the VH1 kept a woman with a real shape and a real attitude on the show for a little while. When he un-clocks Like Dat, he says, "Just to keep it real with you, I would never ever want to lead you on, boo." Like Dat accepts her fate and leaves on a high note, yelling "Ya'll better take care of my man -- I ain't playin'!" Then Flav asks Beautuful to get her clock, and he gives her this long, lingering kiss. The women look shocked, and Buckwild later says, "I felt like I shoulda put a deposit in the quarter machine to view some of that!" But the problem isn't with Beautuful. It's with his keeping Krazy amidst all his declarations that he was "keeping it real." Way to "keep it real," Flav. Next week: New York - yes, as in "New York on your ass in 5-4-3-2-1" - is in charge of the contestants. Maybe it was a good thing that Like Dat left the show because Like Dat would have strangled her. In other drama, Deelishis promises to "mop the floor with [Krazy's] white ass." |
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