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by Paul Phillips Published: September 14, 2006
I think the biggest problem with Fit Club, however, is it’s lost its effervescence since Nick Turturro became suddenly sane. I’m bored—someone hide his Prozac, quick! When we left our Fit Clubbers, Angie was aghast and agog at the suggestion that she do some physical activity other than eating her pastrami sandwich and carrot cake for lunch. Anything more strenuous than that and she MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK. SHE COULD DIE, PEOPLE! Angie walked off the set, with that fierce, weight-losing machine Tina Yothers (or, as Ant calls her, Tina YO-thers) following her out to do damage control. (SIDE NOTE: After my last recap, I got an email from none other than…Fit Club host Ant. I just about plotzed. Ant’s ear from comedy is apparently very finely tuned—he thinks I’m hilarious. And since flattery will get you everywhere with this writer...Ant can now do no wrong). Dr. Linda joins them, hoping to make use of that PhD her poor parents mortgaged their home to pay for. Angie whines, "I don’t need the people in my immediate company to be looking at me cross-eyed and sideways because we don’t f*cking win a trip to go somewhere. Take your ass up to a regular spa and get a massage. Everybody out here got money. They could do that on their own." Except, perhaps, Ted, Tina, and Erika, who haven’t worked in decades. Angie, of course, is deflecting the real issue: no one gives a sh*t about the spa. They’re frustrated with Angie’s stubborn refusal to get off her ass and do the work. Tina YO-thers does some really intense, confrontational therapy with Angie while Dr. Linda just stands there and takes up space. Seriously, Dr. Linda doesn’t say a word. Tina convinces Angie to stay with the show, but the night ends without a final weigh-in. While the Fat Crushers get pampered at the spa, the Team That’s Been Dragged Down by Angie Stone is subjected to a "Native American Medicine Man and a band of spirited drummers". Tina takes in the spectacle and asks, "We’re gonna do a sacrifice?" Seems so: a wild-eyed serial killer rushes in and-- Wait, that’s just Gary Busey, season 2 alumnus. I didn’t watch Gary’s season of Fit Club, and I’m not familiar with his work, other than knowing that he hasn’t done much lately. All I can really say about Gary is that he creeps me the hell out. Gary shares, "I did the show two seasons ago and I realized that the show was brought to me by a blessing I used in prayer." That, and his agent, who was tired of not making a dime off Mr. Busey. Gary gives the team a recycled 12-step speech, saying that FAILING stands for "Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth". Which is a nice way to say "Making a huge mistake and f*cking everything up". Gary says "Winnersh do what loshersh don’t want to. If you’re in a losing position with yourself"—TAKE ANGIE—"you might as well leave the show cause you’re not representing the truth and the heart and the love you have for yourself. I could speak forever…" Please don’t. "…but I can’t." Thank you Jesus. Tina, extremely moved, tells Gary: "I just have to say really quickly I lost my father in December and you have the same exact arms. And you just remind me so much of my father." I'm sure somewhere up there, Tina's late father is super-pleased about that comparison. Tina is clutching Gary’s arms, and he looks at her like he wants to rape her. He says "Let me tell you, I have been to the other side of my death after brain surgery in ’88. Your father is in the most beautiful, wonderful place. And celebrate his life, ‘cause he’s here right now." As the White Cloud Singers play "a song of inspiration" (it sounds like the Survivor theme), Gary & crew join hands and dance, with Gary chanting, "Feel it, feel the spirit of friendship. We’re all together as one here, Baby!" Gary flashes the camera a devil grin that says: "I’ve got Tina YO-thers right where I want her. That plump little chicken is mine!" RUN, TINA! But, sadly, a moved Tina says, "His words were inspiring. His words were encouraging. This whole night was a blessing. It just felt good." Oh, Honey. He got to you, didn’t he. It’s day 65 as the celebs report to the weigh-in chamber. Last time, Bone turned a corner as he got down to under 400 lbs. This week, he does great again: he loses 11 lbs., down to 386. Bone is just 3 lbs. away from beating Phil Margera’s Fit Club record of 41 lbs., and he looks great. Dr. Ian gives him props: "A lot of people in your condition would’ve given up and resorted to something like surgery." But Bone’s doing it "the right way", through diet and exercise. My new best friend Ant, always trying to stir the pot, says "Ian, I just have to interrupt you for a second because Carnie looks really pissed." Carnie says, "I think it was a pretty irresponsible comment coming from a doctor. Or ignorant. I don’t know why you would say that." Dr. Ian gives Carnie the dirtiest look…and I’m sensing a theme with this little twerp: he can’t take it when anyone challenges him. Dr. Ian gets all uppity, saying: "I’ve helped perform these surgeries, so I know these surgeries very well." He’s…helped? What, he handed the scalpel to the real doctor? Dr. Ian’s point is that many people turn to the gastric bypass as an easy way out. That may be true, but what Carnie (and I) are objecting to is Ian saying that losing weight the old-fashioned way is "the right way", and the surgery is "giving up". Instead of just clarifying what he meant, Ian goes into "I’m right and I don’t care what you say" mode. Listen to me, Ian: last week Tina orchestrated Carnie getting traded to the other team so she could be Captain. This week Tina’s in the clutches of Gary Busey. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe Carnie’s #1 fan made Tina pay. All I’m saying, Dr. Ian, is I’d hate for you to wake up in the middle of the night bound and gagged, with Bruce Vilanch looming over you in a Dominatrix outfit and whip. I humbly suggest that you give Carnie the respect she deserves. Carnie has a bad weigh-in: she only loses 1 lb. Erika encourages Carnie: "You lost a pound", and leads a clap for Carnie. See, Ian? Erika’s a smart woman. To Carnie’s credit, she knows why she only lost a pound, and she takes full responsibility: she picks off her daughter’s plate, and she wasn’t great with her eating. Carnie turns to Harvey and says "Kick my ass." But Harvey says "What I like about what you just did, Carnie, is you didn’t get up here and try to BS us." Hear that, ANGIE!? Carnie’s target for next weigh-in is 3 lbs. Tina has another great week: She’s down 9 lbs., to 164. Wow. Next up is Nick "no-fun-when-he’s-not-crazy" Turturro. Lately, Nick’s relationship with his brother, actor John Turturro (the Turturro brother you’ve actually heard of) has been strained. So Fit Club hits the road, going to Queens, NY, where the Turturro boys reunite and play basketball with some old friends. When he sees Nick, John kisses his cheek. Nothing strange about that—those Italians are very affectionate. But Nick immediately WIPES THE KISS OFF. What was that about? Even if a kiss it really wet, you should wait till the kisser’s not looking before you wipe it off. It’s just common courtesy. John is impressed with the new svelte Nick: "You can see his cheekbones." But John shouldn’t talk: he looks like he could be collecting Social Security. Seriously, he’s got wrinkles, giant bags under his eyes, white stubble, and yellow teeth. Was he not told there was a camera crew coming? Nick gets on the scale. I didn’t think Nick had a big weight problem to begin with, but I gotta give it up: Nick does look good. He loses 3 lbs. again this week, he’s down to 160. Erika’s up next, and she has an amazing week: she’s down 8 whole lbs., to 132. Erika is almost down to the goal weight the panel set for her, but she wants to lose even more—she wants to get down to 123 "because when I go to work, if I’m not a certain size I look heavier on camera." I wouldn’t worry about it, Erika. I’m sure you won’t be working much. Harvey is simply beaming with pride (he has a very nice smile!): "Erika, every time I talk to you you’re trying to raise the bar higher and higher. How much more can you take that bar up?" "I don’t know," a sassy Erika says. "What do you got to dish out? Why don’t you throw me something, Harvey?" You can bet Erika’s not talking about one of Harvey’s workout videos. I guess since Dr. Linda and Ted began their illicit love affair, it’s okay for the panel and contestants to bang. "I love to accommodate," Harvey says suggestively. Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? I’m guessing starting tonight, Erika’s gonna be on Harvey’s "special", extremely individualized exercise program. Last time, you might recall, Vinny was constipated. But he must’ve taken an enormous dump, because he lost 5 lbs. The panel is impressed. Says Dr. Ian, "20 out of 35 lbs. You’re goal is 35 lbs. for the show. You’ve already lost 20 lbs." To which Vin replies, "So I got 10 lbs." Old people get so confused by the simplest things. Like 2nd grade math. I swear, Vinny reminds me of my Grandma. When she has to call a computer system and press 1 or press 2, she can’t handle it. She totally freaks out. Ian explains that 35-20=15, and Vinny exclaims, "I gotta lose 35 lbs.? Marone!" Vin’s target for next weigh-in is 3 lbs. Next up is Ted, who’s looking thinner and thinner. This week, he lost 4 lbs. Says Ted, "I work my ass off. I mean literally. I don’t have my ass anymore. It’s gone. I used to have a black ass. I don’t have it anymore." Dr. Ian says, "I can relate to that." Dr. Ian’s commiserating with Ted on the black experience? Okay, I’ve been thinking it since I tuned in. And I’m just gonna say it: Dr. Ian is one of the least black black people I’ve ever seen. Un-PC? Yes. But I bet a lot of you know what I’m saying. Dr. Linda comments, "You and I have spoken about feeling sexier for your wife…" And for Dr. Linda. I figured out last time that Dr. Linda has been setting sail on Ted’s "Love Boat", if you know what I mean. Dr. Linda engages Teddy in some titillating dirty talk about his sex advice column in FHM magazine. Harvey tells Ted, "I didn’t realize you were so experienced in this sex thing." He’s amazing, Dr. Linda coos, a pink blush in her cheeks. That man made me feel things I didn’t know were possible. Now, Dr. Linda talking about Ted’s sex life is hot. Harvey talking about it is just weird. Ted’s goal weight for the show is 165, he’s already down to 167. So he’s just got one more pound to go? asks Vinny. And we save the best for last: yes, it’s time for our big beautiful Drama Queen Angie Stone to step on the scale. Says Ant, "We start every Fit Club season with eight celebrities committed to diet and exercise for 100 days. But sometimes challenges can surface that make it tough or even impossible to continue." Challenges like not feeling like getting off the couch. " It’s time to discuss your health, Angie, and your future on the show." Since last weigh-in, Dr. Ian accompanied Angie (wearing a giant white hat) to a heart doctor, to find out the real deal. The doctor (not Ian—the real doctor) asks: "Do you smoke cigarettes?" "Yes, I started back," says Angie. Also, Angie’s been off her diabetes medication for two weeks (she ran out), and she stopped taking her blood pressure meds. Let me get this straight: Angie couldn’t take a stroll through the woods because she was afraid she’d go into cardiac arrest. She can, however, smoke cigs and stop taking all her medications. That’s not a problem. I see. Angie’s blood pressure is 180/100. I know almost nothing about blood pressure, and even I know that’s really high. So high that it’d be dangerous for her to do the stress test. Angie has to get back on her meds, get her bp down, and come back. Angie and Ian come back a week later, and Angie (wearing a hospital gown and a sideways cap—it’s like the K-Fed Hospital Scrub Line) does the stress test. Rather, she does five minutes of it. That’s all she can take. But it’s enough to establish that Angie’s heart can handle exercise—even vigorous exercise. Dr. Ian, in his best "told you so" voice, announces, "This is great news. Angie has found out she can go full board 100% vigorous exercise." Angie got a weak, "oh f*ck" smile on her face. "All the way," says Ian, "no more excuses." That’s what you think. Back at the weigh-in, Angie immediately starts bitching. "I’m a little disappointed ‘cause I work out and I think that was overlooked." Sorry, Ang, but the walk from the couch to the fridge doesn’t count as exercise. "I ‘m jogging on the treadmill. Mentally, I’m jogging on the treadmill at this point because I know now that I can do it without my heart failing." She’s jogging on the treadmill…mentally? Mentally I didn’t eat at McDonald’s, Friendly’s, and the Chinese Buffet last weekend. Mentally, I’m 6’4" and 180 lbs. Oh, and blonde. Angie gets on the scale…and she gained 2 lbs. Oh, that’s not good. Angie and the panel just stare at each other for several long moments, and it’s just deliciously excruciating. Angie finally speaks: "I don’t know what to say. I worked out. I’ve been dieting. What do you want me to say?" Dr. Ian throws a major hissy fit: "I don’t know what to do. I flew here to help you. I took you to doctors. Everyone was upset last time because they thought that you were having a heart attack and we were possibly being mean and singling you out." "You were," Angie whines. "What you’re doing is trying to make me look as if I’m an idiot. I’m not an idiot." Lazy, yes. An idiot? NO SIR! For every problem Ian points out, Angie has an excuse ready. Her smoking? It's the stress. Not taking her diabetes meds? She was trying to call her doctor. Harvey intervenes—and he’s not happy. "You’re really wasting our time up here right now. It’s one excuse after another excuse, Angie. I’ll tell you what. Put your money where your mouth is. You can join me this week and we can make some money, we can rock and roll. And we’re gonna work out every damn day. You and me. Can you handle that? Put up or shut up." The appropriate response would, of course, be "Yes, I’m there, let’s do it!" But Angie hesitates. Harvey presses: "Yes or no?" Angie says "I have things booked already. Obligated." I have to take my dog to the groomer. Oh, and I need to go buy more cigarettes. This woman is unreal. Come on, Angie, step up already! The panel and the cast basically shames Angie into saying yes, she’ll do it. Ant tries to orchestrate an XXL cat fight, nothing that Tina YO-thers doesn’t look happy. Tina thinks even if Angie couldn’t exercise, if she was following her diet she should’ve lost something. But Angie says "I haven’t, in my opinion, gained a bunch of weight." Gaining only 2 lbs. was actually a triumph. As they head out to the big scale, Angie murmurs, "I do not want to do this anymore. I really don’t." They get on the big scale, and the Fat Crushers lost 23 lbs. to Tina’s team’s 16 lbs., giving the Fat Crushers a 10 lb. lead overall. And Angie pipes up: "I think this is gonna be my last night, guys. I’m serious. I can’t deal with this. I quit." Next week looks good: Harvey’s at the gym waiting for Angie. Will she show? Or is she off the show for good? Also, the celebrities have to shovel horsesh*t. Good times! |
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