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by Paul Phillips Published: September 21, 2006
Since the show was slow this week, I’m gonna create my own drama. (I did, after all, write soap operas for several years). No, I’m not going to try to convince you that my evil twin is back from the dead (he’s been at Sunnyview Mental Hospital for years, where he’s no longer a danger to himself or others. I hope). This drama has to do with my songbird, Carnie Wilson. If you’ve been reading this column all season you know I’m Carnie’s biggest fan (seriously, I’m big. I haven’t been to Weight Watchers in a month). I love Carnie, her music, her books…in all seriousness, Carnie’s story has moved and inspired me. And now, I have a quest. A quest to let Carnie Wilson know who I am and that I think she’s great. And I have a helper in this quest. My helper is none other than Fit Club host Ant. As I reported last week, Ant emailed me to let me know he loves my recaps. Ant doesn’t get to do a whole lot on Fit Club, which is unfortunate, because I checked out his website and he’s really really funny. Anyway, since Ant and I have been corresponding, I mentioned that I’m a huge Carnie fan, and you know what my boy Ant did? He FORWARDED MY LINK TO CARNIE WILSON. Oh, Ant, I love you! So here’s what I’m thinking: Carnie reads my recaps and she’s so tickled by the lovely things I’ve written about her that she contacts me. I’m not expecting Carnie to show up on my doorstep with a bouquet of flowers. Although I’m certainly not opposed to it. Just let me know first, Carn, so I can clean the place and wear something nice. I would be happy with just a quick email. And an autographed photo. Okay, the ball’s in your court, Carnie. I’ll be waiting with my fingers crossed. Back to the show. This week kicks off with the big "Will Angie quit?" cliffhanger being resolved. Harvey arrives at the gym, saying "Angie’s supposed to meet me here so we can sort her ass out. We’ll see if she shows up." I have to admit, I didn’t have high hopes for Angie. As the minutes pass, Harvey starts getting pissed: "I really feel like I’m getting damn played around like a damn toy." Finally, at 10:20—an hour and 20 minutes late—Angie shows up. And a miracle happens: Angie doesn’t complain. She doesn’t make excuses. She works out—HARD. And she shows up all week. We head to the weigh-in chamber, and Angie’s up first. Last week Angie weighed 213. Tonight, she weighs in at 214—she gained a pound. And this really is a new Angie: there’s no excuses. No "poor me" speech. Angie simply says: "I’m really disappointed that I didn’t lose any weight and that I gained because I have really worked hard and I dieted and I’m just surprised. But I want to just stay to everyone that the last time I was here, I was very much on the defense. So I just want to apologize to everybody who found me to be disappointing because at that point I was overwhelmed with what I thought was being picked on, really was concern. I’m just looking forward to coming back the next time and meeting my target and making my team proud." Is Angie going to make it for the long haul? I don't know. I'm not sure she's motivated enough. At least she’s trying. This week the players have to suffer through the "Fit Camp from Hell": Ant tells them they’re going to play "cowboy games that are gonna test your endurance and force you to act as a team." In the 106 degree heat. The first "cowboy game" is shoveling 300 lbs. of horsesh*t, which is sort of a metaphor for most of their careers (NOT you, Carnie). "Angie’s nonstop efforts proved her commitment to her team", and the red team has their first victory since they had the bad luck of inheriting Angie. First we had Ted Lange and Dr. Linda. Then last week Erika and Harvey were flirting shamelessly. And now we’ve got another hook-up to add to the list: Vinny Pastore and Angie Stone. The sexual tension between Vinny and Angie is subtle, yet palpable: every time Angie’s complained about "almost having a heart attack" (chuckle, chuckle) Vinny’s right there on his white horse, coming to his damsel’s aid. And today, after their win, Vinny pulls her close, and says in a husky whisper, "Gimme a kiss, Baby." You know how there are some couples you’d like to watch have sex? Vinny and Angie are not one of them. For the next event Harvey announces it’s "time to get down and dirty, Folks. Cowboys can’t be afraid of mud. So this event is a good old mud crawl." They have to crawl through the mud military-style, elbows and knees down. And I thought shoveling sh*t was bad. Angie objects: "I don’t want that stuff down in my vagina," and everyone instantly tries to silence her, saying "hey", "whoa"…nobody wants to hear about your vagina, Hon. Except maybe your luvaaah Vinny. As the Fit Clubbers race through the mud, asses up in the air, I have to say I’m getting a real "Deliverance" vibe: "I bet you squeal like a piggie. Soo-WEE!" The rivalry between Nick and Ted resurfaces: Ted races through the mud crawl in no time, while "Nick’s focus on proper military technique slowed him down." You’re competing with the bartender from The Love Boat, Nick. I dare say proper military technique is not necessary. But Nick points at Ted and cries, "He didn’t do it right. He was way up off the ground. He couldn’t have moved that fast! I’m the only guy who did the crawl completely down, Harvey." Harvey decides the only way to settle this is to show the boys how it’s done. And Harvey leaps into the mud, and does a fierce crawl to the finish line. He gets up and smears mud in Ted’s face, screaming: "Are you happy? That is a low crawl. That is a goddamn low crawl, Baby. Can you feel it?" THIS is the Harvey I like: the Task Master. The Drill Sargeant. Harvey’s been behind that desk with a big toothy smile on his face an awful lot this season. It’s nice to see him out in the field again, pushing the celebs to their limits. Back in the good old days, Nick’s whining would’ve turned into a meltdown, complete with screaming, ranting, and accusations a-plenty. But now his Prozac kicks in and before long everyone’s happy again. Yawn. The Blue team wins the Fit Camp, but Fit Club gives the prize to both teams's charities (not so impressive, considering they were playing for a measly two grand in prizes). But the day turned out to be especially triumphant for Angie. Says Bone Crusher: "I was especially proud of Angie for finishing, actually getting in the mud and doing her thing." Despite the danger to her pristine vagina. Tina hits the scale, and, proving once again that’s she unstoppable, Tina loses 3 more lbs. Dr. Ian informs Tina that she’s lost 16 ½ % of her body weight, putting her in the lead for biggest individual weight loss by body weight percentage (whoever wins gets a 2007 Camry Hybrid. Which I’m sure Tina could really use—I’m guessing she’s driving a ’92 Hyundai Accent now). For the first time since she was 16 and starring on Family Ties, Tina is a size 8 (and, it occurs to me, for the first time since Family Ties she’s on tv again). Tina was also able to get back into her wedding dress, although I gotta say I hope it fit better on her wedding day, ‘cause she’s practically bursting out of it. Dr. Linda offers her usual insipid "insight": "It’s pretty lovely seeing you there like that because I think you never feel more beautiful and sort of sexual than that day." Way to drag something as pure as a wedding dress down into the gutter, Dr. Linda. Why is everything about sex with you? Tina’s only 3 lbs. away from her show-goal of 35 lbs., but she’s still shooting for 50. Bone Crusher has another great week: after losing so much weight he is finally small enough to ride a roller coaster again. Bone is down 5 more pounds, for a total loss of 43 lbs.—which means he’s beaten Phil Margera’s all-time Fit Club record. Congratulations, Bone! With only two more weigh-ins to go, the panel is beginning to encourage the celebs to keep it up when Fit Club is over. Dr. Ian says: "I want to know, what about after the show? Are you gonna continue? What’s gonna happen with Bone Crusher?" Bone says his post-show goal is to get down to 300 lbs. Nick is up next, and he weighs in at 160, staying the same. Nick admits, "I had a little pizza, I had a hamburger here and there. I had a Big Mac. I haven’t had a Big Mac in a while. It was good too." Nick gets a little loony, telling Dr. Linda about his "up and down week": "Sometimes you look at yourself and you know, ‘I don’t like you.’ ‘I don’t like you either.’ You know, It happens. And sometimes you look at yourself, ‘Yeah, I like you. I like you now. I like you better.’ ‘Yeah, alright, good. You like me? I like you.’" Sounds to me like Nick’s experiencing hallucinations. We see Nick’s stats, hand in hand with his little lime-green speedo. I can NEVER GET ENOUGH of that lime-green speedo. Erika is down another 2 lbs. this week, to 130. I didn’t know who Erika was when the season started, but I’m starting to see how she could once have been considered a sex symbol—she looks good. In the race for the Camry Hybrid, Erika is nipping at Tina’s heels—she’s lost 14 ½ % of her body weight. Erika’s already done Krav Maga street fighting, so, says my buddy Ant, "We thought she was ready for the ultimate workout with the current Ultimate Fighting Light Heavyweight Champion, Chuck Liddell." And suddenly we’re in a stadium. There’s a boxing ring, and thousands of people cheering. Oh my God—they’re gonna throw Erika in the ring and make her fight this guy! Stop! This woman has a young child at home! But, thankfully, the stadium was just a clip of Chuck Liddell at work, and Erika’s just working out with him in the gym. Whew. Erika’s doing great, but man, she still just puts me to sleep. As of last week, Ted was only 2 lbs. away from his target for the show. He gets on the scale, and he actually beats his target: he’s down 3 lbs. to 164. Wow. Good job, Ted! Ted’s weight loss target for this week is just to maintain. Vinny’s up. Last week the panel set an "aggressive" target goal of 3 lbs. But Vinny’s up 1 lb. At first, Vinny does his "I’m just a few years away from Alzheimer’s" thing—very confused, he repeats: "I gained a pound?" But then he becomes lucid again and remembers: "I think I know what the problem is. Come 9, 10 o’clock at night, I’m hungry," and Vinny’s been snacking late at night. Ian asks Vinny what his weight loss plan is after the show, and Vinny replies: "I’m probably gonna become a fat bastard again." Last, but certainly not least, is Carnie. Carnie’s had a series of disappointing weigh-ins—the pounds are coming off really, really slow. And this week, she loses 1 lb. "Dammit, dammit, dammit," Carnie vents. "It’s so frustrating. It’s so hard. When you try so hard it’s so hard to not see it happen. I’m frustrated, but I’m not upset at myself because I know that I worked hard. I feel good. I really do. I look in the mirror now, I’m seeing curves. It’s great." Listen to me, Carnie: this is certainly not scientific, but from what I’ve heard and experienced, the first time you lose the weight, like in Bone Crusher, or Tina’s case, you can find a program you really respond to, and the pounds just seem to fall off. But your body’s been up and down so many times it knows the deal, and it’s not letting the pounds go easily. You lost a pound in a week, and that’s great. The panel ups the ante for next week, giving Carnie a target goal of 4 lbs. It’s time to climb the giant scale. The Fat Crushers are still in the lead: they lost 8 lbs. to Hot Buttered Soul’s 4 lbs., and they’re ahead by 14 lbs. overall. This week wasn’t too exciting, but next week looks good. After several weeks on the backburner, Carnie’s in the hotseat: says Ant, "After a season of disappointing weigh-ins, it’s time to find out why Carnie’s numbers just don’t add up." And they bring Carnie to a deserted warehouse and give her a lie detector test. Ian asks, "Have you been 100% honest?" "Yes," Carnie answers. But the lie detector reader guy gives her a big thumbs down. Hmm. Remember my warning from last week, Ian. You could disappear and no one would miss you. Also, Angie gets to redeem herself in the bike challenge from earlier this season, and "Bone finally gets to throw his weight around" when he and Harvey play one-on-one basketball. Oh, and Nick trades in the lime-green speedo for a yellow banana hammock that so traumatizes his young daughter that she runs out of the store. Parents just don't understand. |
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