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by Caroline Roberts Published: September 24, 2006
What makes New York stand out over the other girls is how she describes her connection with Flav. Unlike the other women, who speak vaguely of how much they "feel" him (whatever that means), New York lingers on the animal lust she feels for Flav. New York talks about him as if his mere presence puts her in a heated frenzy. After she speaks of the sexual sparks she and Flav generate, one would think she needs a cold shower. Flavor Flav is many things. He's funny. He's lively. He has a "shnazzy" fashion sense. But a sex symbol he most assuredly is not. And that's precisely why this episode is so good because the audience gets to watch the world's most unlikely sex symbol turn a woman into a quivering mound of jelly. New York will not be denied some intimate time with Flav. When Big Rick delivers the Flav-O-Gram and New York discovers that Deelishis and Krazy will get the first overnight trip with Flav, she collapses like a souffle. Bootz thinks it's funny because New York "hasn't had a date for about four days." Actually, New York seems so upset because she hasn't had an -- ahem -- date ever since she and Flav spent the night together last season. New York is like a walking bucket of hormones. Deelishis hops up and impersonates New York's reading style, and we learn that either reading isn't New York's strong suit, or her eyes are blurred from her lust for Flav. When New York read the Flav-O-Gram, she said, "Now that I'm down to four prime cuts, it's time to start slickin' things up a bit." When Deelishis reads her version, she is stunned to discover that New York read "slicking" instead of "slicing." Deelishis, who is the brightest bulb remaining in the house, harrumphs, "Slicing, baby! English was my major in college!" Well, given the fact that Flav fancies himself the poet laureate, Deelishis might be his perfect match. Deelishis tries to calm down New York, who spews, "I need time with him. You guys just don't know what I'm going through!" No, they don't. Is it that time of the month? Putting the High Back in the High Seas This episode is all about New York's Flav addiction. However, there is one date before New York has her opportunity to sink her claws into her man. Flav takes Krazy and Deelishis out on a yacht, and, to keep all three of them from drowning, VH1 hires the mysterious "Captain Warren" to help Flav control the boat. Of course, Flav takes the opportunity to ogle behinds and swap spit. As he smooches with Deelishis on one side and Krazy on the other, one hopes that the Cold Sore Terror Beautuful brought into the house is gone. The mingling of the spit and the rocking of the boat gets to be too much for Deelishis, and she has to head down below to calm her seasick tummy. Hey, maybe her body is just looking out for her. Maybe it's trying to tell her something: "Um, uh, is sharing spit with Flavor Flav and a handful of other women really a good idea? Perhaps it's time we intervene." Later that night, when Flav takes Krazy and Deelishis out to a romantic dinner, Deelishis looks mysteriously fine. Maybe a bout of seasickness is a clever way to avoid smooching Flav. But Deelishis turns everything around and says that seeing Flav kissing Krazy contributed to her seasickness. Yes, folks, that's right. She basically told Flav, "I love you so much I want to puke!" Speaking of puking, Deelishis has another reason to hurl. Krazy uses the dinner date as an opportunity to sing to Flav. It isn't the kind of singing that would shatter glasses. It's the kind of singing that would win second or third place at a high-school talent show. Krazy's singing doesn't do it for him, so Flav decides that he'll take Deelishis back to his hotel room. Despite a romantic atmosphere and Flav's fumbling attempt to mount Deelishis from behind, both of them collapse and fall asleep. And a note to Krazy and Deelishis: If you two do indeed have any post-Flav career aspirations, lose the elbow-length gloves. That trend must be nipped in the bud. "I Am No Backburner Bitch!" We get to the good stuff when Flav, Bootz, and New York travel to a vineyard (or "vin-YARD" as New York calls it). The winery trip starts with a ride on horseback. With their skimpy clothes and spindly shoes, Bootz and New York are hardly prepared for a ride. To Bootz's credit, she hops right up on that horse. Alas, that is also Bootz's downfall, because New York sucks up all the attention by freaking out at the sight of a horse. In confessional, New York wails, "I don't do well with large animals, small animals, any animals! A horse is so overpowering! It's overbearing!" Finally, she sucks it up and says, "I know to get to the vin-YARD I have to get my ass on the ass." Well, at least one of them is an ass, and it sure isn't the innocent horse. The three ride up to a posh meal set up by "Mr. Wilson." They eat, and New York pouts as Flav pays attention to Bootz, which he seems to do solely to get New York annoyed. Then Mr. Wilson tells them what's in store after they eat: "I'm gonna show you your next vintage over there." He points to a bin of grapes, waiting to be stomped. "Get in there. Get your feet dirty. Get your hands dirty. Get any part of your body dirty that you want." What? Is that man crazy? Does he know who he is talking to? Stomping grapes with one's feet is one thing, but do you want Flav, Bootz, and New York to get "any part of their body" dirty in his grapes? The grape-rolling (because, yeah, those poor grapes get squashed by many different body parts) is followed by the required two-girl shower. Flav stands in the middle as he gropes Bootz and New York. Only this shower has a twist -- look closely and you'll see New York holding a cigarette under the shower of water. What kind of person tries to smoke while taking a shower? They return to a hotel, where Flav has rented out a club for supper. He shows up looking like he raided Bishop Don Magic Juan's closet. And he proceeds to lavish attention upon Bootz, which sets New York aflame with rage and desire. In confessional, New York wails, "Flav is ignoring me! I'm like, 'Here I am! Take me! Give me something!' I am no backburner bitch!" At dinner, New York stalks out, and Flav follows her like a little puppy. Flav reassures New York that he'll take her out to a date, so Bootz has her meal trashed, and she doesn't even get a date. By "date," Flav means "wild, lusty, Animal Kingdom kind of love." He may have fallen asleep with Deelishis, but he and New York are sucking face even before they reach the hotel room. The hormones are boiling over when they cross the threshold. As New York prepares a cigarette, she sighs, "Oh, Flav, you don't know what you do to me!" Oh, New York, you don't know what you do to the audience when you say that! Let's let New York describe the rest of the date: "By the end of the night, Flav took me. He needed me. I needed it." Ewww. She continues, "We basically took a chunk out of each other if you will. It was a good chunk. And we chunked up the rest of the night." Is that legal? A chunk? A chunk of what? Normally, when one person says to another, "I wanna take a chunk out of you," the police are going to be called. As if New York's description of their romantic tryst weren't enough, VH1 adds noises of New York sounding as if she's undergoing surgery without anesthesia. It's enough to make Bootz want to stay celibate forever. The Clocking Ceremony So New York may have had her Flav Fix, but the last time she spent the night with Flav, she got dumped. So the contest is still wide open. Still, New York is so confident that she speaks to the camera while wearing a full set of rollers in her hair. Flav comes down in a Hawaiian shirt, and he stretches his words out to seriously annoying lengths in a lame attempt to build anticipation. Here's the clocks: New York - Well, if weird animal noises turn Flav on, that's his business. Deelishis - Seasickness must be a turn-on, too. Krazy - What on earth is going on in her head? That leaves Bootz without a clock. Flav must be nutty. Sure, she's celibate, but she was willing to get her weave wet for him! She also has the best exit of any Flavor of Love girl. She pulls a piece of paper with her phone number on it out of her bra and says, "Call me when you get sick of these ho's!" That's what's called leaving with style! Next week: Meet the parents! Flav's kids show up on the show, and New York refers to them as "Those little bastards!" Now that could throw a wrench in her plans. |
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