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by Paul Phillips Published: October 5, 2006
Tonight's winning team will walk away with $150,000 in prizes. Tina nearly passed out over last week's toaster oven/blender prize combo -- I mean, the Luxury Kitchenware Package. Imagine what she'll do if she wins $150,000 in prizes. I hope they have some EMTs on set. Of course, we all know Tina's not going to win -- the Fat Crushers have been way ahead all season. Tina, however, is in the running for the 2007 Camry Hybrid. "I've seen it," says my buddy Ant, "and it is rad." As of last week, Tina was in the lead, having lost 16.5% of her body weight to Erika's 15%. Who will win? I know -- I read it in the National Enquirer months ago. We'll see if they got it right. First up for the final weigh-in? Carnie Wilson. CARNIE WATCH UPDATE: No word from Carnie yet. She's probably been busy doing publicity for the show. Did you see her on The View last week? Her new shorter red hair looks great. I am not giving up on Carnie. If and when I hear from her... you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be a post at The Trades about it. Last week, Carnie's target weight loss was 4 lbs. She lost 2 lbs., down to 166. Carnie says "I'm happy with that. I'm a little sad that I didn't meet our big target but I'm really really proud and I feel good." Dr. Linda, always one to f*ck with people's emotions, plays a message from Carnie's dad, music legend Brian Wilson, saying how proud he is of her. Carnie's brought to tears -- the first of many tears tonight. Carnie is the Poster Girl for weight loss, and Dr. Linda asks what message Carnie has for all the overweight people who look to her for inspiration. Carnie says, "It's progress, not perfection. You come to a point where you just have to be happy with who you are." And as I'm typing this, I have tears in my eyes. What's wrong with me? "Honestly, I'm more happy now when I look in the mirror than I was when I weighed 146, and that's the truth. And that's really great. It's just really f*cking great." I get it, Carnie. And this sounds so goofy, but I'm gonna say it anyway: You're my hero. And then we see what I'm calling the Morph-o-Matic: those shots we've been looking at all season, of the celebrities standing there awkwardly in their bathing suits and tugging at their fat... morph into the celebrity's current, thinner state. It was really cool, and a great way to show how far they've come. At the week's Final Fit Camp, the celebs repeat their first Fit Camp "to see just how much better shape they're in as a result of the Fit Club program." As they line up... Bone Crusher's got a big ol' front wedgie. That's not pretty. I just want to reach between his legs and pick it out. The Final Fit Camp was, truth be told, not overly exciting. Everyone, naturally, has improved quite a bit. On Day 1's jump rope event, Vinny could only manage "one meager jump"... but this time, he does 50. Impressive. The friendly rivalry between Nick and Ted continues. Nick jumps almost 13 feet in the long jump... but Ted jumps 13' 4". Ted boasts, "I love beating Nicky. I love to beat Nicky." But Nick has the most improved long jump, and he says "Remember that, Teddy. I'm the one with the balls." We know. We saw them last week in the Nick Turturro Speedo Fashion Show. Ted and Nick square off again for the 1/4 mile run. And I loved this. Ted is in the lead and someone (I think it was Ant) yells to Nick: "Come on, Nicky, you can catch him. He's old!" But Ted wins, and Nick gives him props. I have to agree. Ted is 58 years old, and the guy is an animal. The Red Team has the biggest overall improvement, and they win "the first ever Harvey award", which is a cheap faux-gold Oscar lookalike. It'll look great on sale for three bucks at Tina's next garage sale. More importantly, the Red Team gets a 5 lb. credit on the big scale. But they're so far behind, I don't think it's gonna help. Before they call it a day, Harvey has the Fit Clubbers lug around "fat blobs" weighing what they lost. As Angie lugs around her 17 lbs., Harvey notes, "That's what you had. All that junk in the trunk." And Ant tells us, "Angie especially was overwhelmed by the impact the weight had on her body." "I don't want to cry," says Angie. And then she does. "This is scary. To know that all this was around my heart." Back in the Weigh-In Chamber, Vinny is up. This week he's down 3 more lbs., to 245. He's lost 29 lbs. total. Good job, Vin. Vinny says he was really skeptical about coming on the show--he didn't think he'd be successful--but he was, thanks to the panel, and his teammates. "If anything that I did achieve besides the weight loss is that I'm getting my feeling of trusting people again. And I have to thank Linda for that." REALLY? Dr. Linda actually helped someone? Must be a fluke. "She has a way about her to make you love her and believe in her and trust her." Hmmm. That's also a perfect description of a CULT LEADER. Good job brainwashing the contestants, Dr. Linda. Next up: Erika. Early in the season, Erika did a photo shoot, but in the photos she looked more like Wynonna Judd than a Baywatch Babe. So for Erika's personlized rite of passage, they do another photo shoot. And this time, Erika reclaims her "piece of ass" status: says Ant, "now, back to her lowest weight in 15 years, Erika felt comfortable and confident in her size 2 clothes and in her own skin." This season, I've called Erika "boring", a "dullard", "walking Ambien"... and I stand by that. Erika's worked hard, she's been a model Fit Clubber... the one thing she just hasn't managed to acheive is BEING INTERESTING. At least she's thin again. Erika steps on the scale, and she's down an astounding 8 POUNDS, to 121. Tina's eyes pop out of her head: I think she just sh*t herself. She's like, "There goes my goddamn Camry Hybrid." All I want to know is, how the hell did Erika lose 8 lbs.? I'm guessing she went on the laxative/no food diet. Her total loss? 31 lbs. Erika, too, gets teary-eyed: "I just feel really good. This has been so wonderful. I don't really have words to articulate how amazing this experience has been." We see a message from Erika's hubby, Senior Citizen Roch. Seriously, I know Erika put on a few since Baywatch, but this old man was the best she could do? Roch says, "For everybody out there who's worried about if your woman gets pregnant, she'll never have her body back... Erika's living proof that that's not true." Anyone else find that statement ignorant and offensive? Don't lose weight to be healthy, and feel good about yourself, Honey. Lose weight so you look good for ME. Erika's final percentage of body weight lost: 20.4%. Can Tina beat that? Ted's up next. Ted reached his target for the show a few weeks ago, but the panel challenged him to lose a few more pounds, to raise his team's total. And Ted comes through: he's down 3 more pounds, to 161. His total loss is 28 lbs. Wow. Between losing the weight and "washing that gray right out of his hair" (don't think I didn't notice, Ted), he looks 20 years younger. Ted announces that he has a "gift" for the panel: he's written a rap song. Oh, this is gonna be fun. Ted recites the "rap song" like it's Shakespeare. It was bizarre. Highlights: "It's a club to make celebrities fit/Works like a dream if you don't quit/I came here overweight and pudgy/Ate lots of pizza, ice cream with fudgy/It's a club to make celebrities fit/But I didn't feel famous shoveling horsesh*t." Okay, the horsesh*t was funny. Ted's archnemesis Nick is up next. Once Nick got his bipolar disorder under control, he wasn't a whole lot of fun -- that is, until he busted out the speedos. Ah, the speedos. They still bring a smile to my face. All in all, Nick was one of the most entertaining Fit Clubbers, and for that I thank him. This week, Nick's down 5 lbs., to 153. He's lost 22 lbs. for the show. Nick says: "I tell ya, yesterday I was looking in the mirror. I had this Oakland A's shirt on, and it was kinda like a little tight-ribbed, whatever. And for the first time I realized, damn, you're looking pretty good. You look alright. Sometimes you really turn yourself on." I told you Nick was aroused while trying on those speedos. Dr. Linda asks about Nick's deceased mother. Nick says: "I lost my Mom last October and she was something else. I just miss her so much, I really do. I've been feeling very alone a lot. Your Mom is your Mom. There's nobody that can replace your Mom. I didn't even get a chance to tell her how much I loved her at the end..." I hope he has somebody to talk to about this. Not Dr. Linda -- a REAL therapist. Nick's obviously still grieving, still in a lot of pain. Thanks for bringing the party to a screeching halt, Dr. Linda. In Nick's morph-o-matic, the t-shirt disappears, and it's just Nick, the now-infamous lime-green speedo, and his white socks. He does a kickline thing that looks straight out of a gay Off-Broadway musical revue. Angie Stone is next. Angie had a really hard time comitting to the program, but she finally turned it around. This week, Angie's down 1 lb. She's lost a total of 18 lbs. Angie tells the panel, "I haven't met my goal yet. I'm not all the way there, but I'm a whole lot further than where I started." The past predicts the future, and given Angie's history I have to say, I think she's the celebrity most likely to put every pound back on, and then some. Without the panel berating her into submission, I just don't think Angie will stick with it. As soon as they wrap, you just know she's hitting the McDonald's drive-thru. But Angie swears to the panel, "I'm gonna make you proud. One day you're gonna look at a video and go, 'That's my girl'." Prove me wrong, Angie. Then the whole show gets on the morph-o-matic when Celebrity Fit Club suddenly transforms into American Idol: Angie sings a few a capella bars of a song called "So Happy to be Me". It was a little pitchy, Honey, but you look stunning tonight. You are a star. Seriously, the song was beautiful --- after this, Ted's "gift" is even more embarrassing. Bone Crusher already holds the Fit Club record. This week, he's down 4 more pounds, to 373. He's lost 51 lbs. total. I really like Bone: he's working hard to get healthy for himself and his family, and he seems like a really genuine person. Here, in the last few minutes of the season, Dr. Linda finally says something that makes sense: she tells Bone, "One of the things I loved was watching how you and Aneesa (his wife) interact. It's so full of positivity, and you really have given her the most wonderful gift you possibly could have given her which is to spend more wonderful years with you." Bone replies, "She's the best. She knows how to make a man happy." Hey, Bone, this is a family show. And we finally get down to the weigh-in we've all been waiting for. At the start of the season, Tina vowed: "I'll stand up here in a bikini if I lose more than 50 lbs." Tina doesn't step on the scale in a bikini, but she is "finally ready to confront the beast", and she lets Fit Club go bikini shopping with her. As her husband watches, Tina models a few bikinis, and you know what? She looks good. And Mr. Tina could teach Erika's lunkheaded hubby a few things about being supportive. Tina's husband says, "I'm so proud of her. I'm so excited. She's worked so hard this whole time and you see the results. She looks amazing." Last time, Tina weighed in at 161. She needs to lose 8 lbs. to best Erika. She gets on the scale... and, like a cat toying with a helpless little mouse, Dr. Ian takes an excrutiatingly long dramatic pause. Tina yells, "I want to know!" Dr. Ian finally says Tina's weight tonight is...151. She's lost 10 lbs. (and a total of 42 lbs.) and she's won the car. (Her final percentage of body weight lost is 21.8%). Tina gets in her new car and says "It's gonna take me to the gym every day. If you put your mind to something and put your heart and soul into it, you can acheive anything." Finally, it's time to step on the Big Scale one last time. Members of the winning team get year-long Concierge service (hmm... weird prize), a "luxury timepiece" (AKA a really nice watch), a trip to Cabo San Lucas, some luggage... and 20 grand. Now you're talking. In case you're wondering... The Enquirer was right: even with their 5 lb. credit, Hot Buttered Soul falls short. They've lost a total of 119 lbs .to the Fat Crushers 129 lbs. The Fat Crushers (Carnie's team) win! |
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