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by Caroline Roberts Published: October 30, 2006
Not-so-famous celebrities like Danny Bonaduce and his wife, Gretchen, turn the formula upside down. As their marriage falls apart, the Bonaduces gladly invite the television cameras into their living room and their therapy room. Letting a camera into their house worked wonders for Danny's career and probably his bank account. However, this choice may not be helping the marriage, and it leads to some wince-worthy television. VH1 should put a disclaimer on in front of the show that says, "If your marriage is in trouble, don't try this at home." Seriously. If you are having relationship troubles, just watch Breaking Bonaduce and then do the opposite of what Gretchen and Danny do. For starters, don't let someone capture every moment of your day on videotape. Second, if you're on meds, stay on them. Third, keep your regular appointment with your couples therapist. Fourth, stick to your decisions when you make them. At the beginning of the episode, Gretchen appears to have learned the fourth rule. Inspired by Dr. Garry, she decides to kick Danny to the curb. For real. She even tells the camera, "Danny's a great guy. He's just a sh*t husband." But, for Gretchen, Danny's a hard habit to break. When it comes to kicking him out, she does it in the most polite way possible. Many women just want the guy gone, and they don't care where he's going to go. But Gretchen asks her assistant (they have an assistant!?!) to find Danny a place to stay for that night. That level of concern automatically suggests that the separation will be temporary. When Danny drives back from therapy, Gretchen pulls him into a room for a private talk. Now, knowing how Danny loves to create good television, he and Gretchen may have just counted to ten to make it look as if an intense private discussion took place. Whatever happened behind that door, Danny emerges looking agitated, and he announces, "I'm moving out. Gretchen wants me to move out." Things go from bad to worse. Danny stays in a hotel, but he constantly calls Gretchen, begging her to say she misses him. In a nice segue, Dr. Garry learns that Danny's not seeing an MD about his meds, and no one is looking after him. Enter Danny's Rockabilly-Punk Intervention Team, who all look like they came fresh from a Social Distortion gig. They emerge out of thin air, but who cares? They're just what Danny needs. There's a whole lot of them, too. Gretchen lets Danny use the house for the Rockabilly-Punk Intervention -- and he needs it because the whole crew probably couldn't fit in his apartment. One of the Rockabilly-Punk Intervention Team members asks Danny about his sobriety sponsor. Turns out he doesn't have one. What, David Crosby wasn't available? Since Danny doesn't have a sponsor, and he's not seeing a shrink, one of his buddies, a young fella named Jason, who looks oddly familiar (If anyone recognizes him, please let me know -- maybe he was in Social Distortion!), steps up to the plate. He tells Danny, "I think you're getting loaded, dude." Danny tries to defend himself, but a pile-on of straightedge rockabilly punks ensues. Of Danny's habit of stalking Gretchen and sending text messages about her to his friends, one guy hollers, "That's not normal, dude!" To keep Danny from illicit drinking and overzealous texting, Jason declares that he will a) take Danny for a drug test and b) spend three days watching over Danny. Bless his heart. That's a whole lot of Danny Bonaduce! Danny and Jason head to the drug test. Danny refuses to pee on camera, but VH1 throws in long, loving zoom shots of Danny's full pee cup. I sure hope he didn't pull a Tom Sizemore and use a Whizzinator because that's going to be a waste of everyone's time. Jason then takes Danny out for a game of pool, just to prove you can have a good time sober. (Note to VH1: Playing awkward banjo music doesn't help the cause of a sober good time, thank you very much.) At the end of the evening, Danny calls Gretchen from the parking lot and begs her to say that she misses him. Probably afraid of looking like a wuss, Danny takes some rage out on the camera crew and demands that they erase the conversation. They refuse. Heck, they know Danny would regret it later. It's good TV. The rest of the show is a frenzy of cross-cuts that show Danny and Gretchen in marital torment. Jason tries to talk Danny down, saying that everything will be all right whether the two stay together or not. Isabella gets angry at Gretchen for kicking Danny out, and Gretchen tries to calm the girl down. (If Gretchen and Danny want to air their spats on camera, perhaps they could leave the kids out of it. Separations and divorce are bad enough without a camera lurking around the house.) The episode has a loose ending. To the swells of irritating emo music, Gretchen and Danny are apart, yet together in their suffering. Or something like that. Next week: Even if they are pining for each other, Danny's going to head to Harvard next week, where the crazy kids at the Lampoon encourage him to act very, very badly. |
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