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by Caroline Roberts Published: November 12, 2006
Despite a much more entertaining cast, the producers lack creativity and go right back to the Warson Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Last time, Rachel Hunter and others tried to track down the ghost of Pearl. Now, the new crew wants to make contact with Mad Ray, whose old mugshot looks a little like nutty actor-director Vincent Gallo, but even creepier. Mad Ray earned his nickname for a reason. Not only was he insane, but he was also violent. He had electroshock once a week, and apparently it made him angrier. Eventually, the doctors decided he needed a lobotomy, which gives VH1 a reason to show more disgusting lobotomy footage. Mad Ray may have been mad, but he wasn't stupid - he hung himself the day of the procedure so he didn't have to go through it. Now his spirit is supposedly lurking around the asylum. Kimberly Caldwell: She was on American Idol. She didn't win. Hence, she's on this show. Evan Farmer: Home-renovation beefcake from TLC's While You Were Out. Gilbert Gottfried: Yes, that Gilbert Gottfried - he of the unmistakable voice and face that earned him the Boston Phoenix's title of "Unsexiest Man Alive" Oh, and he's also the voice of the AFLAC duck. Traci Lords: Underage porn queen who morphed into respectable John Waters glamour girl.. Jeremiah Trotter: Linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles. He should be able to handle scares as he had to deal with Terrell "Dramatical" Owens as a teammate. And, without further ado, here's how the teammates rank on the Busey-o-Meter: Kimberly Caldwell: After making a lame joke about her pets "playing with themselves," it seems as if she's going to be this week's foul-mouthed Tonya Cooley. Luckily, other than a few beeps, she's not that annoying. She turns out to be the perfect foil for Gilbert Gottfried when they go on the first mission together. Of Caldwell, Lords says, "Kimberly is really young. She hasn't been beaten down by life." (Lords should know, eh?) Caldwell is pretty funny, and she doesn't mind when Gottfried takes a zoom shot of her rear end as they track down Mad Ray. When she's with Farmer in the Rec Room, Gottfried asks Caldwell to write the question, "Are you still here?" and Farmer is supposed to leave the room. Gottfried tells her to move the chalk in a "loose and relaxed motion and attempt to let the spirit of Mad Ray guide your hand." It probably took every ounce of Gottfried's strength to avoid making a dirty joke. And then something ugly happens. Caldwell hears some bangs, and then she stumbles and screams her head off. She head two bangs and then heard someone whispering in her ear, and it wasn't Evan Farmer or Gilbert Gottfried hitting on her. After her scare in the Rec Room, she is quickly chosen as the conduit when the team heads to the "Heart of the Haunting." She gets scared, but, after all the booty-shots and screaming the final mission is a bit of a letdown. Busey-o-Meter: 3 Evan Farmer: Farmer shows up in full beefcake mode. He dares to compete with Trotter by wearing a T-shirt with cutoff sleeves (he loses). For his troubles, Farmer gets some private time with Caldwell, and she in turn seems to be happier groping around in the dark with him than with Gilbert Gottfried. Farmer doesn't seem to take anything too seriously and even pushes Caldwell around in the rec room's wheelchair. When he leaves Caldwell alone, and she screams, he gets to play hero and calm her down. If he didn't make a connection with any ghosts, maybe he made a connection of another sort. Busey-o-Meter: 1 Gilbert Gottfried: Yeah, Mr. Gottfried has a reputation for being unsexy, but don't be fooled. Gottfried has lovin' on his mind! As soon as he finds himself alone with Kimberly Caldwell, he uses his video apparatus to take a nice long look at her tuckus. She turns to see Gottfried looking at something other than the wall and shouts, "Are you filming my ass?" To which Gottfried responds, "What? Yes!" All that ass makes Gottfried extremely careless when it comes to provoking the ghost of Mad Ray. When he finds Mad Ray's bed, he goes to town: "I'm standing on Ray Gallina's mattress. I'm jumping up and down on this mattress. He obviously didn't take good care of it. People used to throw clothes around this asylum like crazy." He clearly stops just short of yelling at the VH1 interns who made the mess. Needless to say, he doesn't make contact with ghosts, but he scores high on the Busey-o-Meter because he's been the best thing about the entire season of this show - except for Mr. Gary Busey himself. Busey-o-Meter: 4 Traci Lords: Either Lords didn't want to discuss it, or the producers had a rare moment of restraint, but no one mentions that Lords was an underage porn star. Not that it's a big deal, but it's a little funny when she says, "Judging from the fans, I guess I'm best known for Blade." Alas, that's not really the role she's best known for, but if she doesn't feel like talking about it, we'll respect her privacy, even if she did write an autobiography. If you didn't know that Lords was in fact a porn queen, she'd seem like a more intelligent Baywatch babe or ex-model. In fact, she's the most serious of all this week's cast members, and she chides the others for making so many jokes: "They've sent me here with the Stooges!" Hey, it could have been worse. She could have been ghost-hunting with Danny Bonaduce. When it comes down to it, she wins the luck of the draw because, in both of her assignments, she goes ghost-hunting with Jeremiah Trotter, who could break the neck of any ghost or VH1 intern who chooses to mess with them. But even the bulky presence of Trotter doesn't calm Lords down. She runs away from pretty much anything. During one of her freakouts, something interesting happens - one moment she doesn't have on much lipstick, the next moment she's got on ruby red lipgloss, and then the gloss is gone. Maybe Mad Ray had a knack for lipgloss, eh? Busey-o-Meter: 3 Jeremiah Trotter: Trotter claims he encountered a spirit when he woke up one night and saw a man standing above him. But his fellow Eagles are probably real pranksters. When it's his turn to mingle with Mad Ray, he declares, "I'm about to go Blade on 'em!" If Mad Ray does indeed exist, he'd half to be an idiot to mess with a guy that size. When ghost-hunting with Traci Lords, Trotter acts as comic relief while Lords turns into a quivering mound of jelly. Alas, there's not much to say about him because he seems reasonable, and he doesn't scare too easily. Busey-o-Meter: 1 Next week: Bachelor Andrew Firestone, rapper Coolio (and his hair), boxer Mia St. John, David Kill Bill Carradine, and Playboy babe Bridget Marquardt head to a haunted factory. |
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