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by Caroline Roberts Published: November 26, 2006
can't do it cuz my wife's a whore Wanna go upstairs because it's fun. My wife, she wouldn't f&*k nuthin' Cuz I'm down here and totally bored My wife's up there on the second floor. I hate her. Oh yeah, I hate her. Going down to Carolina. Gonna get a new Vagina. [and so forth] Looks like Flavor Flav has competition when it comes to being America's poet laureate. But, in all seriousness, what would the kids think to hear their dad calling their mom a "whore"? And did Gretchen walk past and think that was okay? Danny just needs to turn on the filter, to take a breath, think, and ask himself, "Is this really a good idea?" And then he needs to ask himself, "Is this really a good idea if a camera is going to record this for posterity?" Gretchen then offers Danny a chance to prove he's mature. She lets him babysit Dante, Isabella, and two other kids while she enjoys a "Girls' Night Out." There's something rather junior-high about that, but Danny is elated because he likes nothing more than to spend time with his kids. Danny may like it, but, while Gretchen and her friend are leaving, the mom of the other two kids looks like she's made a terrible mistake. VH1 probably made her sign a stack of release forms, though, and it's too late to go back. She might have a reason to worry. As soon as they're gone, Danny thinks it would be a smashing idea to play with guns. Now, Danny and the kids don't play with real live guns, but their "toys" sure aren’t water guns. The guns look real. Danny, who knows he's crossing a line, reassures the viewers that the Airsoft gun is perfectly safe for kids 5 and up. (And, presumably, safe for Danny Bonaduce.) The Taurus PT Danny uses with his children is a straight-up BB gun. If you watch the Christmas Story movie marathons during the holidays, you know that little Ralphie got to shoot his precious Red Ryder BB gun on Christmas morning. If you watch the movie, you also know that a ricocheting BB strikes him in the eye, nearly proving his mother right when she tells him, "You'll shoot your eye out!" Depending on how you view the Second Amendment and the right to bear arms, Danny's decision to let his kids use BB guns may not be that terrible. They do in fact wear goggles to minimize eye injuries, and Danny makes sure that Dante keeps his goggles on. But must they fire the gun in the house? And where were the pets at that time? Surely they don't appreciate the BB gunplay, either. It also doesn't seem like a good idea when Danny offers himself up as a target when it's Isabella's turn to shoot. He keeps taking hits as she says, "You're the freaking antichrist." Now those are the kind of words that make a therapist rub his or her hands together with glee! But it gets better. Danny decides to take the kids out for a little adventure luring coyotes out of the hills. To pull that off, they take one of the innocent family dogs and rub the dog down with bacon. I sure do hope they threw the bacon away afterwards. Outside, Danny and the kids search for mountain lions and coyotes, and Danny says it would "rock" if a mountain lion came down and took Dante by the head. Yeah, that's a real laugh riot. Then Danny and the kids get spooked by an odd white apparition coming at them. Isabella wants to shoot at it. Dante shouts, "Bring it on, bitch!" How charming coming out of a little boy's mouth. Isabella shouts, "You wanna screw with me? I'll kick your ass!" When this kid hits her teens, she's going to win all the catfights. Alas, all their fuss comes to naught. It's just a neighborhood woman taking her child out for a stroll - and, in an instant, the property rates in that neighborhood plummet. Luckily, Danny, the kids, and the neighborhood survive the night. Gretchen torments Danny a little more during dinner as he downs potent oysters and she tells him he should've chosen tryptophan so he'd sleep instead of feel like makin' love. The episode should have ended on a sour note given Danny's bad mood and the BB gunplay, but, for lack of a better way to put it, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Danny takes Gretchen to church for a meeting with Pastor Jim, and Pastor Jim precipitates a breakthrough simply by asking Danny to apologize to Gretchen. Later that night, after making us think Danny was going to be in the doghouse a little longer, Gretchen reveals that she's ready for Danny to come back upstairs. Of course, he immediately asks if he's going to get some, and - shocker! - Gretchen says yes! So, does that mean that everything happening in the Bonaduce household earlier is normal? Next week: Now that Danny's out of the doghouse, is his relationship with Gretchen fixed? |
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