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Related Sites: · Official Site: The 79th Academy Awards · Official Site: Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

The proceedings opened with a montage -- directed by Errol Morris -- celebrating the many nominees and focusing particularly on the ones who've never won. It was finely-crafted, but I personally preferred the "Happy Feet" introduction to the red-carpet "Road to the Oscars" program, where the cheerful animated penguin meets "Cars'" Lightning McQueen on the road, and gets picked up by the minibus from "Little Miss Sunshine" on the way to the Oscars.

All the nominees stand up in the audience as host DeGeneres gets as political as she would get the entire evening by pointing out the presence of Jennifer Hudson, whom America didn't vote for, and Al Gore, whom America did vote for. That got a big cheer. Who'd have thought the crown for liberal entertainment industry banter would go to the Grammys? Oh, she also got some crack in about if it weren't for "blacks, gays and Jews" there would be no Academy Awards. That's it, though.

Then -- for some inexplicable reason -- a gospel choir erupts from the back, and celebrates the nominees in songs while parading down the aisles and out the back.

After that bizarre little interlude, we get the first presentation of the night, for Best Art Direction. Nicole Kidman says, "The winner is..." and, for a moment, I thought they were finally getting rid of the dumbass phrase "The Oscar goes to..." because all the nominees are "winners" blah, blah, blah. But, no, it was an apparent slip-up, because the winners were not announced that way after that. Kidman will probably be banned as a presenter for that little faux pas.

I just realized that "The Movie Trailer Guy" -- Don LaFontaine -- is doing the voice-over narration. That's cool.

Also cool was a humorous song-and-dance number by Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly, bemoaning the lack of respect for comediennes at the Oscars. I found this particularly ironic because these people were in arguably two of the worst high-profile comedy films of the year, "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" and "Nacho Libre".

Will Smith's son (and co-star in "The Pursuit of Happyness") Jaden beats Abigail Breslin in a race to the microphone, and also gets ahead of himself with the cue cards, starting in on a second set of nominees before even announcing the winner of the first. Abigail stops him just in time, and the cute youngster mutters, "That's probably the wrong line, anyway." It's as darling as you might imagine.

A "sound effects choir" accompanies famous film clips. This was a rather neat idea, but the subtle art is kind of lost as a big production.

Best Sound Editing went to Alan Robert Murray and Bub Asman for "Letters from Iwo Jima", though the pair was also nominated for "Flags of Our Fathers". This had to be a toss-up that favored the preferred of Clint Eastwood's pair of war films.

The height of suspense for the night came at the expense of nominee Djimon Hounsou ("Blood Diamond"), who put his head down in nervousness as Alan Arkin was announced Best Supporting Actor for "Little Miss Sunshine". Eddie Murphy can thank the currently-in-the-theaters "Norbit" for shutting him out of this award. His interview with Barbara Walters beforehand will have to suffice.

The dance troupe Pilobolus put on an amazing display of acrobatics, as they morphed their bodies in silhouette behind a giant curtain to form various signature images from this year's movies. First was the Oscar statuette, then at other stages it was the pitchfork-spiked heel from "The Devil Wears Prada", the gun from "The Departed", a group of penguins from "Happy Feet", the VW bus from "Little Miss Sunshine", and serpents entwining an airframe from "Snakes on a Plane". Truly amazing stuff.

Technical difficulties at the microphone marred James Taylor and Randy Newman's performance of Best Song nominee "Our Town". Melissa Etheridge fared much better with "I Need to Wake Up" as various tree-hugging slogans appeared on-screen behind her head.

My one laugh-out-loud moment came with Leonardo DiCaprio prodding Al Gore if he had "any major, major announcements" he wanted to make. Gore finally said that, since there were a billion people watching, "My fellow Americans, I would like to formally announce my intention to..." and then the orchestra drowned him out until he left the stage.

Nancy Meyers creates a featurette looking at how writers are depicted on the screen. Oh, yeah, "Happy Feet" won Best Animated Feature Film, but I'm boycotting the category not only because "Cars" didn't win, but I'm more miffed that "Over the Hedge" wasn't even nominated. Even the cryptically-dense-but-visually-brilliant "A Scanner Darkly" deserved a nod more than "Monster House" did.

Best Adapted Screenplay went to William Monahan for "The Departed" and this was the first sign that it may be Martin Scorsese's night.

Speaking of Mr. Scorsese, he gets an unsolicited nod from DeGeneres, who's schmoozing down in the audience. It's a good thing this is very public, because nowhere else will Ellen get away with handing Steven Spielberg a digital camera to have her picture taken with Eastwood "for MySpace" and then asking for a re-shoot when she's not satisfied with the first take.

Next up is a montage of foreign language films, which highlights the international flair of the diversity of this year's nominees -- as it should, since foreign box office handily outstrips domestic.

Best Supporting Actress goes to a jubilant Jennifer Hudson, giving the ultimate flip-off to American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson for her rejection. She's genuine and teary-eyed in her acceptance speech. "Look what God can do," receives a weak smattering of applause, and it's the last time the apparently unpopular Creator is invoked the rest of the night.

It's no surprise that Al Gore's global warming slide-show wins Best Documentary Feature, though it's not even the most "inconvenient truth" depicted among the nominees (that would go to the human face put on "Iraq in Fragments").

What the hell is Clint talking about? Music great Ennio Morricone is getting some sort of an award, but Eastwood fumbles incomprehensibly through his lines. Coming through crystal clear, though, is Eastwood's assessment that Morricone has been unduly snubbed throughout the years for his tremendous scores (seriously, check out "The Mission" for a brilliant sample) and, "in its wisdom the Academy has decided to give him an honorary one.” Eastwood makes up for his gaff by translating Morricone's Italian acceptance speech for the rest of us. "I Knew I Loved You", a new composition by Morricone, is introduced to the world by Celine Dion. Is it just me, or does she sound like Barbra Streisand?

Best Original Score goes to Gustavo Santaolalla for "Babel" and Best Original Screenplay goes to Michael Arndt for "Little Miss Sunshine" before I realize it's been, like, three hours and they haven't even touched on the major categories yet. No big whoop for me since I'm getting caught up on my ironing, and cleaning that coffee pot I'd been putting off. Some people do have to work the next day, though, so let's step it up, people!

Jennifer Hudson, Beyoncé and Anika Noni Rose certainly liven things up by performing “Listen”, “Love You I Do” and “Patience”, the trio of nominated songs from "Dreamgirls". Apparently the roof is securely attached to the Kodak Theatre, because it could have easily been ripped off during these explosive numbers. Alas, none of these songs take home the prize, and we are instead treated to Etheridge kissing and thanking her "wife" while capturing the trophy for Best Original Song for "I Need to Wake Up".

Michael Mann is the next luminary to assemble cinematic images in a vastly-incomplete look at how America is depicted through its movies. Following this is a tribute to all those stars who have died in the last year. Among Glenn Ford and Robert Altman, was Star Trek's James Doohan -- a curious selection, seeing as how he died in July of 2005.

It's no great shocker that Helen Mirren wins Best Actress for her title roll in "The Queen." What's shocking is the stupid voice-over narration, telling us "a hand reader told her her career would not peak until her 40's". First of all, she's 61, and second of all, who really cares? Her acceptance speech was dignified and heartfelt, as was Forest Whitaker's as he won Best Actor for his take on Idi Amin in "The Last King of Scotland".

"Are we there yet?" I scream petulantly in my mind. Almost.

When Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola stride on-stage, I just know Scorsese is going to win his long-sought-after Oscar because it's just so damned appropriate. Sure enough, Best Director goes to "The Departed"'s director-for-hire, and as the thunderous applause dies down, Scorsese looks around and asks, "Could you double-check the envelope?" Maybe now that they've rightly honored Scorsese, they'll get around to doing the same for Peter O'Toole before he kicks off. We'll see.

It's now a foregone conclusion that "The Departed" will be proclaimed Best Motion Picture of the Year, and presenters Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton don't even attempt a pretense at suspense. While there were a few obvious front-runners for certain awards, there were equally a few surprises. Check the winners against our own prognostication here at The Trades in "Oscar Wild Cards: We Predict, You Decide". Predicting ain't as easy as it looks.

The night, while way overlong, was mercifully devoid of self-indulgence. The non-winners can at least be thankful they didn't capture Razzies, where "Basic Instinct 2" (Worst Picture), "Little Man"'s Marlon and Shawn Wayans (Worst Actors) and "Lady in the Water"'s M. Night Shyamalan (Worst Director) were favorites in these achievements of dubious distinction. Overall, the ceremony was rather tame, with the only potential shield-the-kids'-ears dialogue coming from Steve Carell, who noted, "Sound editing is a lot like sex -- it's usually done alone, late at night, surrounded by electronic gadgets." Still, it was much like the State of the Union address -- you just want to hear the content, and skip all the extra baloney.