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by Paul Phillips Published: April 29, 2007
Last week, The Four Horsemen alliance went in the crapper when Dreamz told the other side that Alex was going to use the hidden idol. Earl and his posse instead voted out Edgardo, leaving Mookie and Alex sh*t out of luck. This week, we open on Mookie, as usual, whining like a little bitch: “Dreamz… I’ve got nothing to say to the kid. Everything he told me was a lie.” Boo-freakin’-hoo. Alex agrees, calling Dreamz “a true traitor.” You were outplayed, boys. By the not especially bright Dreamz. Deal with it. Dreamz’s betrayal was not at all subtle, but he tries to play it off like he did nothing wrong. He ambles over and asks, “Why ya’ll ain’t hanging out no more?” “Dude,” says Alex, “you turned on us.” Dreamz says he had no choice but to flop to Earl’s side, and he insists it wasn’t a betrayal: “It’s not me turning on ya’ll, ever. Ever.” Dreamz tells us: “I want them to think that it wasn’t my fault that it happened. I pretty much told them a story about me not knowing about what was going on.” Dreamz would have to be pretty darn clever to sell this load of crap. Dreamz is sweet. Dreamz is strong. Dreamz has a set of abs that, frankly, gets me a little excited. Dreamz is not, however, clever. And he’s not fooling anyone. You screwed the boys over, Dreamz, and they know it. REWARD CHALLENGE: The Survivors are randomly divided into two teams. One person on each team launches balls, while everyone else tries to catch them. The catchers are allowed to go for either team’s balls, and the first team to five wins. And the reward is—product placement alert—a basket of Olay Ribbon body wash. “Trust me,” Jeff smirks, “all eight of ya need this desperately.” If you were trapped in the jungle without soap and water, you’d smell like a cesspool too, Jeffrey. Not only will Survivors shower—they’ll shower at a luxury spa resort. The winning team will send one member of the losing team to Exile Island. The challenge proceeds with Stacy, Earl, Alex and Dreamz (the green team) vs. Boo, Mookie, Yau-Man, and Cassandra (the orange team). Nothing especially exciting happens… until Boo slips in the mud. He lies on the ground, clutching his knee and moaning in agony. The medics come to the rescue, but Boo gets up and, with a shudder-inducing pop, his knee goes back into place. Ouch. “I’m good,” Boo announces. “Let’s go. It’s alright… it’s gone. The pain subsided.” Boo’s a tough son-of-a-gun. I’m impressed. It comes down to a 4-4 tie, game point. And that powerhouse Dreamz scores the winning catch. I tell you, Dreamz isn’t going to outwit or outplay anyone. But no one is better at challenges. The green team sends Boo to Exile Island. The hidden immunity idol Alex played has been re-hidden. At Exile Island, Boo gets the new clue which says the idol is “easy to reach.” Boo’s not faring too well: his knee hurts, and he says “I’m nearing heat exhaustion… I cannot be in the sun anymore. I’m gonna die.” While Boo tries not to die, Alex, Earl, Stacy and Dreamz arrive at the luxury spa to collect their reward. They bust open the Olay Ribbon body wash and Dreamz exclaims, “Let’s go ahead and get sexy back.” Alex marvels, “There’s like so much dirt in so many places.” Particularly, I’m guessing, in his feet and his asscrack. Stacy lets out little, erotic moans… “Oh, wow. This is great.” There are lots of gratuitous shots… no, not of the water streaming down Stacy’s pert breasts. Of the Olay Ribbon body wash. Alex has more than getting squeaky clean on his mind. “The first thing I’m gonna do is see if I can wiggle my way back into this alliance.” Good luck with that, pal. “A lion is most dangerous when he’s wounded and backed up against the wall and that’s how I feel because I’m clearly on the chopping block.” Alex starts working on Earl and Stacy…and he doesn’t let up. He’s relentless. More like an annoying little mosquito than a lion. Alex keeps trying to persuade Earl not to vote him out next. He even tries to throw his BFFE Mookie under the bus, telling Earl that Mookie wants to go. I used to think Alex was a pretty good guy. But losing has brought out his true colors. And his true colors are that he’s kind of a dick. Which undoubtedly makes him an excellent lawyer. But Alex makes no headway with Earl. The next morning Alex and Mookie reunite, and they try to come up with a way to stay in the game. They search Yau-Man’s bag, and find the hidden immunity idol. Extremely satisfied by their cleverness, Alex wonders, “What can we do with that info? Let’s go think what is the most damage we can cause.” The boys steal off to the woods to formulate their master plan. Little do they know Cassandra and Stacy are sitting four feet away. As Stacy and Cass listen, the two remaining Horsemen decide they’ll confront Yau-Man at Tribal Council, and “blow him up on the spot”: they’ll demand he empty his pockets. When everyone sees he has the idol, they’ll turn on him. Or something like that. The plan doesn’t seem especially well thought out. But Alex and Mookie are positively giddy: “God, it’s gonna be so great,” Alex beams. “Even if we get voted off, Mookie, it’s gonna feel so great. That’s going out swinging. Literally, a blaze of glory.” Mookie and Alex are so busy stroking themselves they don’t seem to realize there’s one problem with their master plan: IT MAKES NO SENSE. Alex continues to rhapsodize, “Two great brains working together, strategizing… We’re on top of the world.” Then they hear a noise and realize Cassandra and Stacy were listening. Oops. “We’re screwed,” Alex concludes. So much for two great brains. Mook and Alex decide to go to plan B: confront Yau-Man right then and there. At this point Alex and Mookie have nothing to lose—they’re doing anything they can think of to stay in the game, and I respect that. But this plan is just going to make their situation worse. Picking on poor little old Yau-Man is just going to make everyone hate them more. Be that as it may, Alex and Mookie corner Yau-Man. Trying to sound threatening (but merely sounding snippy) Mookie says “We know you have the idol. Now, do you want to tell the people yourself or do you want us to do it?” Yau is understandably shocked. But this little old man is a whole lot tougher than he looks, and he doesn’t let the two bullies see him sweat: “You guys do what you need to do… I don’t think it’ll change, actually, very much.” Yau-Man then turns this around to his advantage: he announces that “Alex is trying to blackmail me.” No one cares that Yau-Man has the idol—they all just jump to his defense. He’s so cute and little and old…how could you not? Stacy gasps, “They went through your bag, Yau-Man? My heart is like hurting right now.” Cassandra, nestling Yau in the comfort of her big bosom, asks, “They’re trying to bully you?” Alex and Mookie, meanwhile, could not be prouder of themselves. Roughing up the old guy must’ve felt really good. “At least we caused up some dissension,” Mookie notes. Yes, the boys stirred up some sh*t. But they’re still f***ed. IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Jeff says this challenge will require a strong memory and lots of strategy. It’s basically Battleship. Very cool. It’s worth mentioning that Yau-Man knocks Mookie out of the game. That’s called karma, baby. It comes down to Stacy, Alex and Yau… and with one hit Stacy sinks Yau’s and Alex’s battleships. Stacy wins immunity. Alex and Mookie’s game is over. But Alex isn’t giving up: “I’m a lawyer.” And he’s got the smarminess and arrogance to prove it. “I know what it’s like to negotiate with people. I know what it’s like to use information strategically… It’s very clear, hey, Yau-Man can’t be trusted.” Alex plans to drive that point home at Tribal. “I’m definitely up against the wall… but I’m not gonna go down without a fight… If I’m going down I’m bringing hell with me.” Earl and his posse are trying to figure out who to vote out. Even though neither of them have the new clue, Boo’s afraid Mookie or Alex could have the hidden idol. So he suggests they split the vote, ensuring one of them definitely goes home. Sounds like a bad idea to me. TRIBAL COUNCIL: Okay, Alex. I’m ready for some hell to be raised. Let’s see what you got, big boy. Alex begins, “As Dreamz pointed out last Tribal Council, the rats and the snakes came out of the woodwork.” Hmm. So far, not exactly fireworks. Mookie tells Jeff they found the hidden idol in Yau-Man’s bag. Jeff’s not about to let that go without a firm reprimand: “Hold on. You found an immunity idol in Yau-Man’s bag? You FOUND it? That’s about as snaky-ratty as it gets, going thru someone’s personal belongings.” As if he’s making a closing argument, Alex lectures: “Karma has a funny way of working in this game, Jeff, and it’s pretty immediate. Whatever will be will be, but word to the wise: remember past actions because they foretell the future.” And Alex rests his case. That’s it. That’s the big “going out swinging in a blaze of glory.” Worst blaze of glory ever. Alex must be a really crappy lawyer. “My client didn’t kill that guy. I mean, I don’t think he did. Just remember that past actions foretell the future.” Mookie votes for Boo. And Alex votes for Mookie. “Just trying to stay here another day, buddy. Good luck.” Earl’s posse splits their vote as discussed—it comes down to 3 votes for Alex and 3 for Mookie. And Alex’s vote breaks the tie: the 11th person voted out and the 5th member of the Jury… is Mookie. NEXT WEEK: Alex goes undercover: “I’m trying to make sure I’m not seen or heard… kind of like a ninja.” Oy. Boo annoys everyone: Dreamz says “I was like ‘Would you shut up? Why don’t you stop saying stupid stuff?’” And Stacy gets smacked in the face with a slab of meat. |
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